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The Ballad of Lithium Fluoride
Once upon a time in the city of Periodic, in the state of Table,
there lived a battery called Lithium. He lived all by himself on the
far side of the Heavy Metal district, on First Street to be exact.
Lithium spent most of his time dreaming of what life was like in
Club Ionic which was located on the other side of town across the
Club Ionic was where all the Nonmetals gathered. You could
find Nitrogen, Oxygen, and Phosphorus clubbing almost every night.
The Noble gases also attended regularly. But the main attraction
at Club Ionic isn't the cool club-going elements; it's the pop sen-
sation girl group, The Halogens. This fantastic group consisted of
the hottest female elements in all of Periodic, Table. Every one
of them was gorgeous, but one caught Lithium's eye more than all
rest, the lead vocalist Fluorine who had a great toothpaste tube
Lithium had only seen these awesome celebrities in the latest
issues of "Chemistry Weekly" and "Ions Gone Wild". He had never
actually had the privilege of gazing upon them in person because he
was a mere metal and wasn't allowed in the club. The Bouncers that
guarded the club's entrance were some of the toughest around.
Boron, Silicon, and Arsenic stayed outside the club's doors to ensure
that no metal could come in. One day Lithium decided to try to
sneak into the club.
It was a friday night and Lithium was determined to make it into
the club without getting caught. He left his house on First Street and
climbed into his graduated cylinder with twin Bunsen Burners and
headed off in the direction of Club Ionic. He went straight down
Second Period and took a right onto Second Street and then a left at
Fourth Period. He headed straight until he got within a few blocks of
Lithium waited and watched from the shadows until he saw all
three bouncers step away for a neutron break. This was his chance.
He took a deep breath, came out of his cover, and slipped into the
place that had dominated his dreams and fantasies for years. It was
amazing. Until that time Lithium had believed that Noble Gases were
inert, but as he entered the club he saw Helium, Neon, Argon,
Krypton, Xenon, and Radon putting on the most impressive light show
he had ever seen. The steady pump of the Halogens music drew him
to the stage where he saw her, Fluorine herself, in person. His jaw
dropped to the floor for she was far more beautiful than any scientific
tabloid could ever portray. He was convinced that if he could talk to
her for just five minutes, he could make her fall in love with him.
As the Halogens were taking a break, Lithium meandered his way
over to the fume hood where Fluorine was sitting enjoying a round of
alloy all by herself. Confident that she needed some company, he
waltzed right up to her and said, "What's up girl?"
"Just taking a break, did you catch the show?", she asked.
"Did I ever! I never knew you were so amazing!", Lithium replied.
"Haven't you ever been here before?"
"No, I'm Lithium, a metal. I snuck in here to see you because I had
to profess my love for you!"
" What? You? A Metal? Love Me? I'm a Halogen, you know a Non-
"Don't you see?", he pleaded, "We're perfect for each other! What's
"My charge?", she asked confused. "I'm a minus one...."
"And I'm a plus one! Don't you see how much easier it would be to
bond with me than with one of those Noble Gases? I mean, they're
animals on the dance floor but when it comes to bonding, they're
"I see your point.", she said.
"So....so you want to go out sometime? I know this great little
supercollider that would be a perfect place to go!"
"Well," she said tentatively, "I don't see why not."
"Alright then, it's settled. How's tomorrow at say, eight o'clock?"
"That sounds perfect!", she replied enthusiastically.
Lithium went home that night walking on electron cloud nine. All
he could think about was his big date with Fluorine. That night , he
jumped into his graduated cylinder with twin Bunsen Burners and roared
down the streets of Periodic to go pick up Fluorine.
"I had a great time!" She said to him as he walked her to her front
"Me too!", he replied. "I hope we do it again sometime."
He leaned in to give her a goodnight kiss and before he knew it he
was in a beaker wearing a brand new, shiny coat on his bonding day.
Fluorine gazed at him from under her veil as the Radon said, "You may
now kiss the bride."
And from that day forward, Lithium and Fluorine are still happily
bonded. They provided an example to elements everywhere. This
truth still holds true today, opposites really do attract!