A Heavenly Surprise | Teen Ink

A Heavenly Surprise

May 30, 2021
By birdnerd28 SILVER, Zionsville, Pennsylvania
birdnerd28 SILVER, Zionsville, Pennsylvania
6 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
"When the last tree is cut, the last fish is caught, and the last river is polluted; when to breathe the air is sickening, you will realize, too late, that wealth is not in bank accounts and that you can't eat money."
-- Alanis Obomsawim


Cat Cory had no intention of dying, but death is often something that just happens. One day while she was on her daily walk-in-the-fog a drunk driver rammed into her. That was that. 

So, now Cat is dead. 

Really, it was not that painful. She just opened her eyes after the accident and — poof! — she was standing (or was she floating?) before the gates of Heaven. Well, she suspected that it was Heaven. Cat Cory did grow up in a Christian town — not that she considers herself Christian — and assumed that this was Heaven and she was about to be greeted by God. 

Terrific, and also how very convenient for the newly departed. 

Suddenly, a loud, deep voice erupts and Cat trembles.

“Do you believe that pineapple pizza should exist?” speaks the voice ominously.

“Umm… wh-y why?” Cat stutters, terrified.

“Your answer determines your fate -- passage to the underworld or passage to paradise.”

Once again, Cat Cory connoted that this was the Christian God, and forced out, “But but what about the Ten Commandments?”

“That’s old school. It’s 2021. So what is your answer?” 

Cat Cory hesitantly mumbles, “Uhh. I like it.” 

The booming voice seems satisfied. “Excellent. Now here is your second question: if you ate yourself would you become twice as big, stay the same size, or disappear?” 

“Stay the same s-size,” Cat quivers. 

“Final question: can vegetarians eat animal crackers?” 

“Yes.” 

The gates swing open, and Cat is indeed greeted by God in person. In fact, he really just looks like a short man with a long white beard. The only thing that told Cat that this was God was the golden name plate attached to his robe that stated ‘G.O.D.’, which apparently stood for ‘Godfather Of Dinosaurs.’ 

God holds a clipboard and flips through the papers. Cat Cory, being taller, is able to read the label at the top of each paper. It expounds ‘The Fresh Dead.’

“Aha. Here you are — Catherine Cory,” thunders God. Even though the speaker is puny, his voice seemed to emit from every direction.

“That’s me,” said Cat.

“I know that you are Catherine. It says so right here!” rumbles God. “Now that you are in paradise — choose your heaven! Over there you have Nirvana, to the right of that is Inner Peace. Off to the side you have Christian Heaven, Hindu's Reincarnation, Jannah for Muslims, and Shamayim for Jews. In the back there’s more, so take your pick.” God leans in closer to Cat Cory as if he is about to tell her something very important. She pricks her ears. “If you want my opinion, which most people value considering my status, they’re all pretty much the same.” 

Cat nods slowly, not exactly understanding, but she is too fearful to ask. 

This was crazy. Here she was, dead, and she was being offered paradises like ice cream flavors. 

“Could you do a favor for me?” inquires God. 

“Sure. I guess.” What else did Cat have to do? 

“Jesus is over there selling heavenly phones," informs God. Cat looks over to see a sort of cloud-shaped marketplace. “Could you tell him that I finally found someone who thinks pineapple pizza is delicious. Could you do that?”     

Cat nods again. She takes a step towards the stalls, each selling an assortment of things (all titled ‘heavenly’ something), but instead of walking she glides over. 

“Come get your HEAVENLY PHONES,” sings Jesus on his mass of water particles shaped like a device. “THESE will NEVER run out of batteries! They have a LIFETIME WARRANTY. They’re UNBREAKABLE, WATER PROOF, wi-fiI FOREVER at  FULL BARS, and SUPER STYLISH. HEAVENLY PHONES! Come get your HEAVENLY PHONES!” 

Cat comes up to him shyly and says, “God told me to tell you that pineapple pizza tastes delectable.” 

Jesus sighs. “Well tell God that pineapples and pizza were NEVER supposed to meet.” 

Cat relays the message back to God, and God sighs, too. “Someday that human will eat it. Someday. He’ll only live forever.” God turns back to Cat Cory and speaks in his giant voice, “You can be dismissed. Go and get yourself an iphone 700 or some bubble tea or skinny jeans or whatever you were interested in before you died. Have fun.” 

Cat Cory was rather relieved when a newly dead person appeared behind the gate and God rushed over to ask them the all important Three Questions. Cat wandered/floated about, feeling rather surprised that this was heaven. 

It seemed an awful lot like normal living -- just… better. She shrugged off any insecurities and continued her exploration. 

Well, at least she had wi-fi. Thank God.           


The author's comments:

My inspiration for this piece came from a writing prompt. I hope this makes you laugh or smile, because without a little humor here and there, what are we? 


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This article has 5 comments.


on Aug. 13 2021 at 2:49 am
Crazywolfiegirl2 PLATINUM, Kington, Other
26 articles 0 photos 272 comments

Favorite Quote:
There is something infinitely healing in the repeated refrains of nature—the assurance that dawn comes after night, and spring after winter. —Rachel Carson

I really liked this, it was funny and airy. Well done.

on Jun. 18 2021 at 10:25 pm
SparrowSun ELITE, X, Vermont
200 articles 23 photos 1053 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It Will Be Good." (complicated semi-spiritual emotional story.)

"Upon his bench the pieces lay
As if an artwork on display
Of gears and hands
And wire-thin bands
That glisten in dim candle play." -Janice T., Clockwork[love that poem, dont know why, im not steampunk]

i read and enjoyed dear humanity. i dont find anything wrong with writing dark stuff, or I would never write again, but what if it were positive instead of funny? i wrote a backstory for my pen name, entirely fictional, and it was just happy and beautiful. or something empowering, maybe?

on Jun. 18 2021 at 12:51 pm
birdnerd28 SILVER, Zionsville, Pennsylvania
6 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
"When the last tree is cut, the last fish is caught, and the last river is polluted; when to breathe the air is sickening, you will realize, too late, that wealth is not in bank accounts and that you can't eat money."
-- Alanis Obomsawim

Yeah, I figured that I might get a few comments like that, SparrowSun. I wrote this not to poke fun at something that a lot of people believe in, but to challenge myself to write something somewhat 'uplifting' as most of what I write turns out pretty dark (such as Dear Humanity). I made my Mom laugh when she read this, and so I thought I'd post it and see if I can make someone else giggle. I understand why this might stir up some gentle topics, and maybe that is why I decided to share it -- to make something very serious like religion seem more relatable. Keep in mind that if you go back to the origin of most things (such as the discovery of cells) there is going to be some almost ridiculous beginning. Yet, some people dedicate their lives to learning about cells.

on Jun. 17 2021 at 9:41 pm
SparrowSun ELITE, X, Vermont
200 articles 23 photos 1053 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It Will Be Good." (complicated semi-spiritual emotional story.)

"Upon his bench the pieces lay
As if an artwork on display
Of gears and hands
And wire-thin bands
That glisten in dim candle play." -Janice T., Clockwork[love that poem, dont know why, im not steampunk]

uh... sorry, but i cant say something positive about that. frankly, it was pretty blasphimus.

on Jun. 17 2021 at 3:47 pm
ninibee268 BRONZE, Knoxville, Tennessee
3 articles 1 photo 8 comments

Favorite Quote:
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

– Bernard M. Baruch

The last sentence helped end the article on a light note. Great Job!