Harry’s parents are dead.

 Dumbledore: were off to a great start already!

he is then slapped in the face by every potterhead ever.

 Dumberdore: ah, well, it’s her sisters problem now.

he puts Harry on his aunts doorstep.

the next morning, Harry’s aunt comes outside and steps on Harry, not realizing he’s on the doorstep.

kidding, kidding.

   She just screams, and says a lot of curse words.

ten years pass, and Harry’s life kinda sucks.

   Uncle Vernon: boy, comb your hair!

harry combs his hair.

   Uncle Vernon: I said comb your hair!

i should mention Harry’s aunt and uncle are quite stupid.

one day, a letter arrives for Harry, something that has never happened before, because Harry is a sad lonely boy who has no friends.

   Uncle Vernon yeets it in the fire.

harry: ,hf,ngd,ngcljgclutdlhgc,dang,nfxbvvyd.

   I should mention Harry is quite stupid too.

one day, so many letters filled their house that they drowned in paper.

    The end.

just kidding, they escaped.

   They went and rented a shack on a rock in the middle of the sea.

again, stupid decisions.

  Then a giant knocks down the door.

whoa! Plot change!

  He kidnaps Harry and eats his aunt and uncle.

    Kidding, he did take Harry, in a good way, but unfortunately, he did not eat the relatives.

  Everybody: ’sigh’

i know, I feel you.

   Then Harry becomes a wizard. Yay.

he goes too wizard school and makes freinds with a poor kid and a nerd.

yay.

in his second year of wizard school, people are attacked by a giant snake.

   Everybody: why does this place exist, if it has a giant snake roaming around?

i dunno, don’t ask me.

then, Harry kills said giant snake. Yay! And almost dies. Yay....experience!

in Harry’s third year of wizard school, a prisoner breaks out, a bad one.

    Harry: uhhhh ohhhhhhh.

but it’s okie, mr. delusional prisoner guy is good. And his name is Sirius.

   And, Harry almost gets eaten by a werewolf. Uh oh.

in Harry’s fourth year of wizarding school, their is a tournament.

   Harry: cool!

not until some crackpot enters Harry’s name into the tournament.

   Harry: well crap.

a pretty boy named Cedric is in it too. Yay.

but then, pretty boy dies!

 Litterally everybody: noooooooooooooooooo! ‘Sobs’ pretty boy noooooooooooooooo!

then, the bad guy comes back.

  Duh, duh, duhhhhhh.

harry gets away, obviously, cause he’s cool like that.

  Dumbledore: well, sorry for you buddy, but your life goals just said yeet out the door, cause you gotta kill the bad guy now.

   Harry: well, crap.

in Harry’s fifth year of wizard school, everybody thinks he’s a liar.

yay.

   Only poor boy and nerd girl believe him.

yay. Again.

   Then, Sirius gets captured.

oh noooo.

 And he dies too.

   Potterheads, and Harry: *—*

harrys kinda saddo now.

in Harry’s sixth year at wizard school, nothing important happens. Except dumbledore dying.

   Yay.

harry: jfkdnickenrhfjnekdjfjfudndi.

   That’s Latin for ‘uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, first Sirius, now old man, come on Rowling, are you trying to make people hate you’?

harry skips his last year of wizard school to deafeat Voldemort. You know, the bad guy.

   Harry and Voldemort duel.

voldemort: aavvvaadddaa kaaddaavvrraaa

  Harry: expeliarmus!

voldy dies.

yay.

     Harry gets poor boys sister.

double yay!

   He snaps the worlds most powerful wand of half.

yayy- wait, what!

the end