Listen to the calming sound of the oceans waves surrounding you. The colony of birds flying over the ocean. You turn your head away from the ocean and look into the eyes of the amazing young man sitting next to you. You’re beginning to stare. You are lost in his eyes and you remember all of the reasons that you are in love with him. His humor. The dramatic pauses he inserts into sentences. His thundering and infectious laugh. The look that overcomes his face when his face when he’s thinking about something. The way he looks at you like you are the one person he will always love. Cliché. So hackneyed you should be on an e-Harmony commercial. But that is how you feel. There is no other way to describe it. You look down at your hand and his. Intertwined. You are connected and always will be. He stands and pulls you with him. While running toward the ocean, you smile. Your left foot touches the water and you awaken from this beautiful nightmare.
Your phone tells you that it is 3:07am. It’s happened again. You grab your headphones off of the nightstand and slide them into your ears. L, left. R, right. Scrolling through the playlists on your phone, you come across the one that you created for moments like these and click on it. The tears flow freely. The pillow absorbs all evidence of your insecurity. You think back. The first date. A very uncomfortable hour followed by freely flowing conversation in your new favorite place. The first kiss. Not awkward. Not prolonged. But comfortable. When he finally told you the truth about his doctor appointments. You were betrayed. He lied to you. He wanted to keep a part of himself hidden. You wanted to scream and shout and cry, but he held you tight. You were just sure he would never hurt you again. The celebration of his life. You walked in and saw the open casket with his lifeless body resting inside. Taking a next to his younger brother, you thought of how that is not how you wanted to see him for the last time. You wanted to remember him living his life. That’s when the first tear came. After that there was no stopping the continuous flow of the salty liquid from your eyes.
Thinking time is over. You sit up again. Looking at the time on your phone you discovered that you passed 39 minutes thinking of him. You needed to get out of that house. Grabbing a sweatshirt and your keys, your run out of the door and jump inside your car. Wait. Where are you going? There is nowhere for you to go and there is no one for you to talk to. The one person who cared is gone. Silence.
That’s it! You know where to go. Your place. You’re out of the car in a hurry and jogging to the only place you know to go to. When you see the rusty old chain and blue piece of plastic blowing in the wind, you speed up. Full force. A sprint. Stop. You’re there now. You’re butt touches the cold seat. The sense of uncomfortable familiarity is soothing. You hold on tight to the frigid chain with your right hand and begin to kick. Your left hand reaches out, but no one is there to hold on to it. You are alone. No one is coming and there is nothing you can do about it. This harsh reality sets in leading you to pump your legs faster and faster. Going higher and higher, you hope that somehow this is putting you closer to him. You keep going. You know that one day the two of you will be together again, but for now this closeness. The feeling that you get just thinking that he is near you once more. It makes you smile. You stop pushing. The movement ceases and you close your eyes and allow the tears to flow freely once more before you allow three small words to slip out: I miss you. You words are lost in the twists and turns of the world around you.