I’m going to make the right decision.

The only thing I ever asked for was to go to the beach. To wade in the early morning tide and splash around as the sun grew high in the sky. To wade in the crystal blue water and white sand that burns your feet. I dreamed of tasting the salt water on my skin and feeling unadulterated sun beat down on my skin.
Just mentioning the beach always made my eyes light up and my mother’s eyes gray.

Sometimes, when I was really little, I would pretend to be a mermaid in the bathtub, splashing around, exploring underwater lands. Then mom would barge in and begin draining the water. “Stop pretending, Ula. There is no such thing as mermaids.” She never bothered to listen to what I was trying to tell her.
As I got older she would look out our kitchen window and tell me that the ocean is dangerous place that only harm can come from the massive waves that knock down small children and sink ships. I always replied to her dismissive tone with, “but my name is Ula. I’m a gem of the sea. How can it be so bad?” She would just shake her head and walk away.

Now, I understand her precautions as the water seems to be a great and terrible beast. The way the waves crash on the rocks and how often a rip tide will carry a small child so far out to sea. The people here are wary of the water. They live with caution, careful to respect the water and stay away from it as often as possible. There aren’t any endless shorelines with colorful beach umbrellas propped up in the sand.

That is perhaps why I like it here so much, although I’m not sure. When I found him this island became more beautiful with each step I took. The beauty seems to be fading now, but perhaps I’m just becoming immune to the sights just like everyone else.
______________________________________________________________________
“Ula!” Ryan burst in the door of my small hut. “I’m going to ask her to marry me. Next week.” His face was red and he was breathing heavily. I felt a dull pain arise in my chest but I quelled it and forced a grin on my face.

“That’s…incredible!” I replied. “I have no words!” Truly, I had no words.

He fumbled around in his pocket for a small black velvet box. His face fell. “Oh s***, s***, s***! Where is it?” He circled around and then went back outside to check his bike. “Found it!” He said triumphantly. “That was a close one.”

I secretly been hoping he wouldn’t be able to find the ring but once he opened the small box, my jaw dropped. “Will she be able to hold up her hand with a rock that big?” That should be for me, for me.

His eyes glittered with anticipation. “So you think she’ll like it?” He asked, suddenly withdrawn and cautious. “I picked the setting.” Tabitha was picky; she never liked anything Ryan bought for her but this ring was so beautiful I knew she would love it.

“If Tabitha doesn’t like it, she is truly crazy,” I replied, half joking, half serious.

“Thanks, Ula. I’m going to ask next week when we go out to dinner. I made a reservation at this real swanky restaurant where there’s complimentary champagne. I’m going to put the ring in the glass. Do you think that’s too cliché?”

The self-consciousness Tabitha induced on Ryan angers me. She is a pipsqueak of a person with a voice in the highest register and wears high heels that resemble daggers. Ryan, although a confident person, crumples at the first sight of Tabitha.

“But anyway,” Ryan continued, “Me and Tibby are living together now and I don’t want her to find the ring until then. Would you mind if I kept it here? I know you won’t lose it like I would. I came right here from the jeweler, and almost lost it already,” he said, kneeling to get the box he had again dropped.

The dull pain in my chest felt stronger in my chest. I wish I could’ve helped him pick a ring. Then I could’ve convinced him to buy a hideous one Tabitha would’ve hated. “I best be off. Put it somewhere safe, Ula.” He kissed my cheek and went back to his bike.

I spent the rest of the day trying not to look at the ring. At first, I threw it in my bottom junk drawer and tried to forget about it. But the gleaming ring and perfect diamond perched on top called to me until I grabbed it back out of the drawer. It was the perfect size for my finger, sliding it right over my knuckle. It practically belonged on my finger. I walked around my house, resting my hand on the counter and on the couch, grasping a pen, grasping the remote. Anything and everything was made beautiful by it.

“Oh yes dahling, I’d love to go to a romantic dinner and a walk in the park. We can watch the stars if you’d like. Of course I’ll marry you!” I said, prancing around my bedroom like a little girl, talking to my self and twirling around with the ring on my finger. If only it was for me.

By nightfall, I couldn’t help but start to feel angry. I was sure Ryan had picked up Tabitha and they were going for a night hitting the pubs or a romantic date, while I sat alone, drinking wine in my pajamas. I slid the ring off my finger and held it in my palm. I considered flinging it over my apartment balcony, keeping it for myself, disposing of it somehow. That gave me an idea.
________________________________________________________________
It was swinging surreptitiously on a string over the toilet. I felt a sick pleasure, like I was torturing Tabitha, completely in control of her fate. I twirled it around my pointer finger, the glinting diamond reflecting off the white porcelain of the bowl. I lowered and raised it, watching as it balanced on my fingertip. I laughed manically at myself as I began to fabricate a story, thinking of what I would say if I dropped it: the ring was stolen; someone threatened to brutally murder me had I not given it up, when suddenly, plop.

Shitstickers.

How could I have been so stupid? I watched, stupefied as the ring disappeared from sight. What could I do now? I sat next to the toilet for a few minutes, feeling bad for myself and trying to come up with a plan. I could…flush it and say I lost it. I could pretend I thought it was there and act surprised when the box was empty. Or, I could do what I was going to do all along.

I cringed as the toilet water touched my wrist, shivering as it traveled up to my elbow, then my shoulder. Was I a sight to see. A girl sitting next to her toilet with her arm completely submerged in it, feeling around inside the bowl for a diamond ring. I felt around for a few minutes, hoping to find the ring within the depths of my toilet, trying to quell the ensuing nausea. Finally in the corner of the tube I felt the cut of the diamond scrape my knuckle, and quickly grabbed the ring before it could flush down into the depths of the sewage system.

Scrubbing roughly at my arm, I couldn’t help but feel like I was some sort of fisherman as I felt for the ring, reminding me of the first time I met Ryan I was some sort of savoir for him as he fished off the clear bay. And now again I was a savoir, except this time for the ring he entrusted me with. I was still detoxing my arm from the innumerable amount of feces that had most likely infiltrated my pores as I stared at the ring, glinting on the counter. It was beautiful, following a claddagh pattern and over a karat. I couldn’t help but feel protective of it.

I tucked the ring back into its tight velvet box and slipped the box back into my bottom drawer. It hurt to look at, and I was done playing in my fairy tale that he would someday love me. I slid into bed, trying to calm the spinning in my head from the wine. I tried falling asleep, but was of course distracted, nostalgic of when I first met Ryan.

The air had grown cool and crisp in the setting sun. I couldn’t believe I had made it here. I was in my great perhaps. I had found my new home in the ocean surrounded land of Ireland. I could already see myself finding a job, a love, starting a family in this paradise planet. My last suitcase had been unpacked in my little apartment barely big enough for myself. I felt like a little child, wanting nothing else but to play by the water.

I strolled along the bay watching the large boats heading toward the dock with baskets and nets full of fish. The sun was setting over the horizon and I found a bench by the water’s edge. That’s when I noticed the small rowboat in the distance. This one was different, it didn’t seem to be worried about the impending dark nor did it have any nets full with fish. In fact, it looked quite low to the water. It was bobbing nervously, looking quite unsteady.

From what I could see, there was a single man, about my age, on the boat. I could see him beginning to row toward the shore, but contrary to the rest of the sailors, he was now frantically paddling and flailing around. I squinted to see what he was doing, but I couldn’t make out exactly what he was motioning. I stood by the bay’s edge until he was within earshot.

“There’s a leak in my boat!” He yelled to me.

He seemed to be waiting for instruction, although I had never even been on a boat, let alone ready to guide a sinking one. “Uh, keep paddling to the uh, shore!” I called back hesitantly. Once he got closer to shore I reached out my hand to pull him in, but as he stood up the boat wobbled and tipped over.
He flailed around in the water until he was able to hold onto his boat, which had flipped like a canoe. “I’m so sorry!” I yelled over the splashes.

He smiled as he paddled to the shore, boat in tow. “It’s no problem,” he reassured me, “I would’ve been worse off without you. I lost my book in the depths of the bay, though. I’ll have to buy a new one.”

My interest was piqued at this guy I met by flipping his boat. I felt a magnetic pull to him, and figured it couldn’t hurt to invite him over. “Would you…maybe like to come back to my place to dry off? I live right across the street.”

He looked a bit surprised but quite flattered. “I don’t want to interrupt anything,” the Irish lilt in his voice made his words lyrical.

“It’s no problem, really. I haven’t had any guests since I moved here.” He abandoned his ruined boat and followed me back to my newly moved in flat. I put on tea and gave him a few blankets so he could warm up. As the tea was brewing, he pulled up a chair. “Ryan,” he said, his eyes squinting as he smiled.

“Ula,” I replied, handing him his mug.

“What’s that mean?”

“Gem of the sea, my dad was in the navy.”

“You’re my gem of the sea. You saved me and my boat.”

“I wouldn’t exactly say that I saved your boat. You did flip over,” I laughed.

He told me about Ireland and I told him about America. We discovered we loved the same books and laughed at the same jokes. He was the one for me. We talked all night and I fell in love with him. And I thought I was the one for him.
¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬¬____________________________________________________________________
Ryan had been calling me every day and coming over for frequent visits to check on the ring. I tried not to look at it to avoid dropping it down the toilet yet again. This morning he came over and asked for the ring. I pretended to jumble the things around in my drawer before pulling the box out for him.

“Thanks, Ula. I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know how it goes. Pray she says yes!” I crossed my fingers ironically, and he kissed my cheek and ran back out to his bike. I could see his nervous energy as he fumbled to put the box in his pocket and kick up his kickstand. As he balanced and rode out, the box with the ring slid out of his shallow pocket and landed in my driveway, a cloud of dust surrounding it. I almost decided not to tell him, but I ran out after him.
“Ryan! Stop!” He braked quickly and turned dropped his bike to run back to me.

“How am I going to keep this safe until tonight? I don’t know what I would do without you, Ula.” He clenched the box tightly in his hand and hopped back up on his bike, steering with one hand. “I’ll call you tomorrow.” He turned around momentarily and smiled, then swerved to avoid a tree directly in front of him.

I was awoken the next morning to my phone ringing. I groaned and rolled over, my pillow covering my head. It stopped after a few rings, and I closed my eyes again, already drifting back to sleep. The phone rang again, and when I let it go to voicemail, Ryan’s voice came on. “Ula, I know you’re there. Pick up.” I reached and felt around for the phone on my nightstand and put it to my ear without lifting the pillow from my head.

“Wha?” I said groggily, although I knew what he was going to say.

“She said yes!” I could hear the elation in his voice and my heart sank. I mustered up any excitement within me.

“That’s amazing! I’m…speechless.”

“We want to take you to the pub tonight; you’re going to be a part of our wedding party. We’ll need your expert eye to help us design and all.”

“I’m free,” I replied, squeezing my eyes shut before a tear could escape.

“We’ll meet you at tonight at eight, see you then,” he said and hung up. I threw the phone on the ground next to my bed. I prayed this day wouldn’t come. I moved four thousand miles across the world to find someone like him. And I did. But I was going to lose him to Tabitha, a soul-sucking woman whose main goal was to take the excitement of his life.
__________________________________________________________________
“You’re going where?” Mom asked, her hands perched on her hips.

“Ireland.”

“No.”

“You can’t tell me what to do anymore.”

“Just because you are adult doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be treated like one. You are a child.”

“Well this child is leaving you.”

“You never know how far is too far,” mom said harshly.

“You never listen to me! If you listened to me just once, things would be different. You wouldn’t keep me from the one thing I want most.”

“Maybe I would listen to you if you had something useful to say.”

I crossed my arms. “Don’t bother visiting.” Mom dropped her arms from her waist and left me standing alone.

The next morning all of my belongings from around the house were packed neatly into four little boxes, sealed with packing tape. I quickly gathered the rest of my clothes and trinkets in my room and packed them into suitcases and boxes I found lying around the house. My apartment and plane ticket were all lined up. All I needed was to get out of my home which now seemed like a place I used to live. All of my photos had been taken off the walls and my childhood arts and crafts projects were no longer scattered throughout the house. My high school and college diplomas were packed nicely in a box. My home became a house within days, the pristine furniture showing no trace of me.

The morning of my flight, I packed my final bag and took my final shower in my house. I left nothing but a note and my memories that morning when I crept out long before the sun rose on a crisp morning in June.

I met Ryan and Tabitha at our usual corner table that night. I arrived to Tabitha splaying her diamonded finger on the table, sneaking glances at it every few seconds. Moments after we ordered drinks the topic turned to their engagement.

“Doesn’t the ring look lovely on her finger?” Ryan asked, gazing mesmerized at her hand. I nodded, looking up at him internally screaming, it looked better on me!
“I only wish the band was covered in diamonds as well,” Tabitha said, shrugging her shoulders. “Then it would’ve been better.”

I couldn’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of anger. How could Tabitha not appreciate a ring as beautiful as this one, coming from the most flawless, loving person on earth? I shrugged in response to Tabitha and responded, “I think it’s beautiful the way it is.” She flashed me an angry look but smiled sweetly at Ryan.

“We’ll fix it after we save up a little more, won’t we Ry-Ry?”

“It’s not broken,” I said under my breath.

“I was talking to Ry-Ry,” she hissed back. She called him Ry-Ry and he called her Tibby. Gag. Ryan looked nervously at both of us, smiling softly. We spent the rest of the night having light conversation, discussing where the wedding should be to the color of the dress to the flavor of the cake.

As our night came to an end, I excused myself to the restroom, and sat in a stall to cry. I flushed the empty toilet and stood in front of the mirror to fix my makeup. The door opened and in walked Tabitha. She stood at the mirror next to me and ran her fingers through her hair a few times before turning to me. “I see the way you look at him. Stay away.” With that, she flipped on her heels and left the bathroom. I stood there, shell-shocked. I couldn’t help but think about all she didn’t know and how desperately I wanted her to.

“You’re drunk.” I said as Ryan stumbled in my apartment.

“I’m pissed. I’m so friggin’ pissed!” He yelled. “I hate Tabitha! I love you! I want to be with you!” He leaned over and kissed me before I could do anything to stop it.

“Ryan. I can’t. You’re drunk.” He had already pulled me close to him and had begun taking my shirt off.

“I’m not that drunk. I want you. Only you.” He took me by the hand and led me to my bedroom. I let it happen, blissfully forgetting about Tabitha for a few moments. The next morning I woke next to him, and let it happen again. It felt so right, our bodies fit together like I knew they would.

Until he scrambled up, pulling up his pants and his shirt over his head. “I’m so sorry, Ula. I’m so sorry.” I was left alone again, staring dumbfounded at him as he left my apartment, calling Tabitha to apologize for their fight.

I walked back out to the pub to join Tabitha and Ryan. Tabitha gave me a snotty kiss on the cheek. “I guess I’ll see you soon, Ula.” The night Ryan and I had spent together came rushing back to me.

“You know, Ryan and I had,” I glanced at his terror-ridden face, “had…already thought of centerpieces for the wedding. You could…put…candles in decoupaged mason jars.” More words left unspoken.

Tabitha looked taken aback but nodded thoughtfully. “That’s…actually a good idea. Thanks,” she said.

Ryan, looking relieved, bent over to give me a hug. His mouth pressed against my ear and I barely caught as he whispered, “I haven’t forgotten. I’m so sorry.” I gave him a little squeeze and waved goodbye as I left the pub. I could feel the sea breeze as I headed back to my apartment, feeling oddly misplaced in this European world.

I glanced at my watch which read midnight, counting back the six hours to mom’s time in Oklahoma. Back in my apartment I hesitantly picked up my phone, dialing a one before keying in the phone number I had grown up with.

The voice that answered seemed older and more tired than the last time I had heard it. “Hi mom,” I said. “It’s not quite feeling like home anymore. Do you think I could maybe…come for an extended visit? I think I might’ve made a mistake by leaving.”

I looked out at the bay, glistening under the moonlight. My desire for to be living near the sea had someone dwindled. The endless sea no longer seems exciting, but merely daunting. I got swept away in the beauty of the ocean, not realizing the danger, the vastness. Everything I had hoped for was drowned out by the roar of the ocean.