I'm going on a pseudodate with her this Saturday. I say it's a pseudodate, because we're not dating. Actually, she doesn't even know I like her, unless she figured it out somehow and just hasn't said anything. I haven't told her yet. I want to, but I have all these mixed feelings right now. I think I really like her. I mean I can't stop thinking about her and I love being around her, but I have this dreadful feeling that I'm making a big mistake. It feels like there's this tension between us that shouldn't be there. Maybe I'm making it up in my mind, because I feel like such a fool, but I think she feels the tension, too.
She's my best friend and I haven't even told her I like her yet, so why is there tension? Best friends don't have tension unless something's wrong. Something is wrong. No, not the fact that she rescheduled for Saturday because she didn't want to go to the midnight premiere. I admit that I'm extremely disappointed, but that's not it. We have these awkward silences and I have no idea whether or not I should tell her how I feel, because something tells me she'll never feel the same. And maybe that's my brain trying to teach my heart. Or maybe it's my heart saying it's not ready for this yet.
After all, I am still in love with that last girl, the one who broke me. I'm not completely ready to move on yet, because I still look at her and wish I was with her. And even if I could move on, I'm too afraid to fall for someone again. It just wouldn't be right. What if the same thing happens? How would I be able to trust my feelings ever again if I were to let the same thing happen? And it could happen so easily, too. I heard this girl tears guys apart. Falling for her is like walking straight into the jaws of a starving bear. And did I mention that she's also the best friend of the girl who crushed me? Yeah, I fell for two best friends.
There are so many problems with liking her, but somehow despite all the wrongs, falling for her feels so right. I don't know if that's love or just my own stupidity talking, but I know it's a mistake and yet it's a mistake I'm almost willing to make, just because there's a slight chance that things might work.
I should just let it go, but I want so badly to be with someone and be happy. I want to go to bed smiling and have a reason to wake up in the morning, not stay up all night and dread every minute of the days to come like I do now. I want to not hate my life and have someone to talk to and have somewhere to go and someone to be with when I don't want to be where I am. It could be a mistake, but it could be the best choice I ever made.
I'll find my courage and I'll tell her when we go to see the movie. I'll try to promise myself it doesn't matter if things don't work out. But in the meantime, I'll pray that they do.