'maybe it's true when people say 'we hurt the ones we love the most'.'
i leaned into his shoulder, as he tried to wipe his tears away before i noticed he was crying.
i felt so alone, even with him so close to me. i reached over and grabbed his light brown hand with my white hand. we held on tight..
'i'm not losing you. i won't let that happen. whatever it takes. i love..i love you so much.'
his voice was shaking, and quiet.
i stood up, and faced him for the first time tonight, we couldn't look into each others eyes..it hurt too much.
i pulled him to his feet. we held both hands, never wanting to let go. our foreheads rested on one another's as we closed our eyes.
we just stood there, as close as we could be, never wanting to be separated. it couldn't have been more perfect. the sun was quickly setting and the stars started to peek out from their hiding places in the sky. but instead of feeling complete love? all we felt was heartbreak. our love was dying..and neither one of us wanted it to.
i slowly lifted my head and looked into his brown eyes. i almost fell apart. there were tear stains on his cheeks, his eyes were red.
it hurt so much...knowing i was the reason he was crying. i made him cry...
'i'm so sorry', i said with tears in my eyes, as i shook my head.
he looked at me, and his eyes twinkled, with his priceless smile he always gave me, the one that says, 'you're so beautiful, i love you'. but this time it wasn't the same...he was hurt. i was breaking. he wanted to forgive me, but he couldn't. i couldn't forgive him, but i wanted to.
we stood there together, holding hands, crying together, when he reached for me so suddenly? it made me catch my breath. he wrapped his strong arms around me and held on so tightly i could barely breathe.
he whispered through his tears-
'i already miss being able to hold you and knowing you're safe from the world. now? i'll look at my hands and think, i've let go of someone very special to me. and you being gone means that you won't be as safe as you were when i held you.'
and i cried...i wrapped my arms around his neck, reached up on my tip toes and buried my head in his chest. i cried so hard, i started to shake, but i could still hear his faint heartbeat through my sobs. and all the while, he rocked me in his arms.
'i ruined the only thing in my life i have ever wanted...' i whispered again and again. my voice caught in my throat, 'and it was you.'
our arms started to ache from holding on so tightly. we pulled away and looked at each other. he pushed my bangs out of my face, like he always did. i started to wipe away my tears and running mascara, as he caught my hand and wiped them off gently with his own warm hand.
then he slowly leaned down and kissed me, we paused, and kissed again. it felt so right, how could we ever not want to have this? i felt a tear roll down my cheek and slip onto his hand. why does everything always have to have an end?
we pulled away and opened our eyes. we didn't say anything. what was there to say? there are no words to express that pain which comes from love that is dying. how could our love, which was once so alive, be dying right before our eyes?
as i was caught in my thought, he sniffed, and lifted my chin to look at him.
'i will always love you. no matter what happens. i will always love you.'
i tried to say it back, but i couldn't. all i could do was cry.
then, in a blur, as he tried to pull me closer again, i pulled away. i hesitated. i didn't ever wanna leave him. he was my world. my life. my dreams. my future.
then i turned and started to walk away. i left him standing there. i did everything i could within me not to turn around and run back into his arms. i already missed him. i already ached for him. as i cradled myself in my own arms, i whispered, as i started running, 'i will always love you. no matter what happens. i will always love you.'