She said, “Good-bye.” And walked away. I felt a part of me die at that moment. But at that time I felt like I had nothing else to live for. That was a year ago. I still feel dead, but for different reasons.

Two months after my breakup and numerous annoying and haunting emails from her came the pen pals. Each of my friends and I were paired with a girl from the neighboring all girls boarding school. Because we went to an all boy boarding school I didn’t have to have close contact with a girl in a while. So obviously I was worried.

But it was different than I thought it would be. The girl, she was so alive, so real. She got me. I felt myself falling deeper and deeper. I was so absorbed with what might happen if she returned my feelings the last email from the girl who killed that part of me never really was real to me. I had a part to replace it. A better part. But what I also didn’t realize was, it wasn’t for sure. I had no idea if she felt the same way. Yet I took it for granted.

Then the dance. It had been nine months since the pen pals and the girls were coming to our school for a dance. I was terrified. What if she didn’t like me? What if, what if? My mind reeled faster during that time then I thought possible. That was leading up to that dance which was a course of about a week. The day of the dance arrived.

I was ready for the dance. I was so anxious that it started to connect that she might not feel the same way. Then I realized that my best friend acted a little more interested in her than I would have liked. Did he feel the same way? But we were friends right? Could I hold him accountable? After all did I really ever tell him abut my feelings? Then I realized that I didn’t. That just added to the anxiety.

I was calming myself down as I entered the gym and saw her. I introduced myself and we talked that just meeting each other talk. I was bursting to tell her how I felt. But it was too soon. I had to wait.

I’d like to tell you I ended up telling her and she felt the same way but I didn’t. I never even got the chance. When I went to go get drinks for us I left her alone for about three minutes. When I came back I found her in the middle of the dance floor slow dancing with my best friend! I almost dropped the drinks.

I turned around and dropped the drinks in the trash ad left. As I turned and saw them slow dancing one last time before started to run, I felt that part of me die, a feeling I was all to familiar with.

It has been a year since that first break up and I have felt to heartbreaks and betrayal. I while never forget that feeling of dying. That second time that happened I wished that I could go along with it.