Dear First Boyfriend,
I’d really like to thank you for asking me to Homecoming, you made me feel beautiful. Thank you for holding me, kissing me, telling me how lovely my eyes are, and for making up a new language just for us. Thank you for showing me how amazing it is to have someone else there for you, and for opening up an entirely new world to me.
However, I don’t thank you for breaking up with me because I was shy and quiet. I also don’t thank you for coming out as gay a couple months later. I mean, really. You should have just told me that to begin with, so that I wouldn’t start picking apart my entire personality and trying to scrub out all of the shy in me. But I’m sort of glad you did, since you’re such a nice person and a good friend and I don’t know what I would do without you and your boy advice. And because of your telling me I was too shy, I worked on becoming a more confident and outgoing person.

Dear Second Boyfriend,
Thanks for asking me to Prom! And thanks for being so many firsts for me, even though you were my second. First dirty dancing, first make-out, first clumsy groping.
But I have to say, I really don’t appreciate you breaking up with me after a week and a half because you just don’t see me as anything more than a friend. I also don’t appreciate the fact that you plastered our break-up all over Twitter, and I do believe my mild dislike for you turned into extreme hate when you started talking about how you were pressured into asking me out on your Formspring.
Jerk.

Dear Cute Boy Working at Urban Outfitters,
You’re next.