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Things That Remind me of You
I don’t know how you can write so much and still not be bored. I just started and I’m already bored. I know I’m not like you. You know I don’t really like essays or writing. It’s just not something I want to be doing. You’re the little scholar who likes to write argumentative essays and stories to make you feel smart. Just kidding. But I have to write this. I have to write all of this down so that when you wake up, you’ll know how I felt when you weren’t here.
I remember how you used to walk up to me during passing period. Your black hair pulled up in a clip, little glasses sitting in your button nose. Always with your arms crossed like a little angry child. You would wait for me by the main staircase and we’d walk to class. I went to English, and you went to History. Sometimes I look for you in the hallways now. I imagine you coming up behind me and pinching my arm. Sometimes I just stare; waiting for you to come out of the Spanish classroom with. “She’s just behind the door”, I think to myself. But… you don’t come out. You never do.
I quickly grab my lunch and sit down. Sitting across the table is our usual lunch crew. You used to sit next to me. No one sits in your seat now. I remembered the days when you were next to me. You’d point at the seat to say that you wanted me to scoot closer. I’d scoot over and push against the railing and you’d laugh, eyes cracking with every push I gave.
“How is she”, your friend asked, breaking my melancholic train of thought. (I looked up the meaning to that big word)
I stared at your seat and coughed. “Still in coma. The doctor said everything is going well and that she could wake up any day now” , I half whispered.
“That’s great. I hope she does. We miss her so much”, she replied.
She felt bad for me. Everyone did now. They’d look at me sometimes with these sad eyes and ask me how you were. They were making a spectacle out of what happened to you. You would hate it. You hate being the center of attention unless it’s my attention.
I take a bite of my carrot and look at it. If you were, I would have thrown it across the road and it would have landed in the median separating our school from the middle school. You’d laugh and tell me to stop in your cute voice. I just wanna go home. I hate school.
It’s Friday. Some of my friends talked me into going to play some video games afterschool. I went. You would want me to. I sit there. Sometimes it distracts me. I watch them play. Then… My friend's girlfriend comes and hugs him. Suddenly I get a rush of memories. I remembered why I don’t go to these things anymore. I remember why we don’t hangout afterschool on Fridays anymore. Why I have to go straight home and spend as little time as possible at school. I remember that you’re lying in that hospital bed. Attached to machines. Eyes closed. You’re not gonna text me good morning. You’re not gonna call me to say goodnight and tell me to have sweet dreams. I haven’t heard your voice in weeks. I run far from the house and sit. I don’t wanna think. I don’t wanna be awake. I’ll go see you today. Maybe you woke up. Maybe you’re going to hug me and pull my hair. Maybe you’ll squeeze my arm and tell me what you were dreaming about all that time. Be so upset that you missed Halloween. You have to wake up now, baby. I know you’re not going to miss Christmas. You love it. You wouldn't miss our one year anniversary. Please wake up.
I’ve been watching movies and shows since I can remember. The main character gets into a fiery car wreck and falls into a coma. I thought stuff like that only happened on Grey’s Anatomy. I’ve never watched an episode in my life.
I’ve always wondered what a coma felt like. Now I know. I can cross it off my bucket list. I don't even have a bucket list.
Strangely, I hear everything that happens in this room. I feel everything too. The nurse comes in and changes my IV. She writes on the whiteboard everyday. The doctor comes in and asks about me. He shines a light in my eyeballs. I hear my family come in. They used to cry. Not anymore. They touched my hands. I wondered how long my nails are now. I can’t bite them. They must be so long. I wonder what color I’ll paint them when I get out.
The nurse comes in. I smell her rosey perfume and hear her taking the cap off the expo marker. Sounds like a high pitched sire. I’ll have to remember that one so I can tell you. She talks to me, “Good morning sweetie. It’s Friday. Vital signs are good. Wake up soon, sunshine”.
Friday. Today you usually went to your friends’ and played video games. I’d stay after school at my NHS meetings and then we’d meet after and hang out. I hear you whenever you come in, Bean. I smelled the flowers you got me. Roses. The nurse put your stuffed cat on the bed. You read me your card. 11 month anniversary. Is that how long I’ve been here? Sometimes I forget. I can’t tell if it’s night or day. The one year is coming up. I’d been planning it since September. All the presents I was gonna give you. The Cat Peach amiibo. I can’t order them. I hope I wake up in time. Why the hell can’t I wake up?
I still remember that day. I was wearing the royal blue uniform shirt and dark jeans. I had a Math test to study for. I heard the tires screeching. But he came too fast. Didn’t have time to react, The paramedic saw my ID. I was one house down from reaching my house. Thirty more steps and I would have been safe. I would have called you that night. I would have gone to school the next day. You used to tell me that you were pretty sure even if I was dead, I’d come to school. I would, to see you.
I broke a leg, got a concussion,and broke some ribs. I haven’t seen the light of day since October 1st. I forgot what your face looked like. Have you shaved your mustache? Cut your hair? I wanna wake up. But I can’t. Every day I try to. But I can’t. When will I be able to? I wonder what game you're playing at your friend’s house. Smash? Another Mario game? Sonic maybe? Were you even at school today? Were you late? Did you throw your carrot across the street during lunch? I can’t do this anymore. I can’t be asleep forever.