10/17/16
I kept repeating the words over and over again in my head. How could she say that to me. After all I have told her respected her understood her elevated her loved her cherished her idolized her. She said something so demeaning and so simple that the crudeness of her utterance is what bothers me most. I know she was having a bad day, it happens, but f*** why can’t her bad days show a little restraint. Every time my mom has a bad day the world suffers from it. She can’t allow herself to feel something without tieing a lasso around everyone she talks to and dragging them down to her level. “Are you stupid?” That’s what she asked me. And then had the true audacity when I explained to her how that made me feel, that it “Sounds like a you problem.” She constantly surprises me with how obviously disappointing she can be at times. Because of our work we are constantly close to each other and have nearly shattered the classic parental mother daughter relationship most teenagers experience with their family. Because of this I have seen her become more of a best friend to me than anything else, but at the same time that adult reliance comes in handy when my overzealous teenage brain wants to latch on to a useless emotion and hug it as if to avoid being taken away by monsoon winds. Sometimes I need some support from a parental figure and since she's the only one I got it sucks more than the 49ers this year when she walks away from the maternal role I sometimes hope she could fill. But, as I write this down in my journal I am beginning to understand the change in her perspective. As we have been working lately my understanding of the concepts, ideas, and theories we are working with has been furthering and have nearly equaled her. Knowing her competitive spirit and knowing that her daughter is quickly approaching her “big headed brain” as many other people call it might be an issue for her. Hmmm. Interesting. That represents, explains makes me understand why as we begin to delve deeper into the research she is becoming slightly more distant and more equal to me. The toned down nurturing she usually does has been turned off and I am starting to get why. When you are so used to being constantly praised by all those around you for your incredible intelligence she must be worried for this dynamic between the world and herself to change. She has always been an individual who waits for the world to service her and right now she feels that is in jeopardy because I may be surpassing her intelligence. She always says things like “I don't buy things I just wait for people to get them for me” or “the way I am gifted is difficult for you people to comprehend. Now with what I have scribbled I am realizing that this is the most negative way I could possibly introduce my mother but what happened happened.