I’m alone, scared, and angry all over again. So many thoughts and emotions running through my head. I shivered. It was all my fault! I only had them for a few years before they were taken away from me. Let me start from the beginning. Ever since I was 7 years old, I had been living in this house in Portland, Oregon with my so-called grandparents. I say that because they couldn’t care less about me. My parents were in Toronto, Canada on some sort of business trip. If only I knew that “trip” would last 6 years. For 6 years, I lived without my parents. I was angry. I felt as if they didn’t care enough for me to take me with them. That’s why they left me here. Maybe they only cared for my brother, who I had never even met because they had him after they moved.
After all those years came summer break after 8th grade. My parents said they were flying out here. They said they were going to take me back with them so I could start high school there. Great. New place, new people, new life. Even though I was angry at them, I was very happy I would finally get out of this place. I still remember the day they came. I saw them and immediately I was in tears. Love had taken over anger, and I gave my parents a big hug. I finally got to see my 5 year old brother. Oh he was so big. I never realized how much I had wanted a sibling.
“I’m going to be the best sister ever!” I assured him. What a lie.
In my head, being with my parents again was going to be filled with nothing but happiness. We would finally get to live and be together which was all I ever wanted. I was so wrong. I guess being apart for so long created many barriers between us. They didn’t understand me. We fought and argued like there was no tomorrow. They wouldn’t let me do this, wear that, eat this, go there. They treated as if I was still the girl they left when they came to Toronto. I never got close to anyone because I wasn’t allowed to go out with friends. It was a never-ending cycle. It got to the point where I didn’t feel at home anymore. I didn’t want to go back to my grandparents, but being with my parents made me feel suffocated. I felt as if they expected me to be this smart, perfect daughter. Everything I wasn’t. Few years passed and our relationship continued to worsen. It got to the point where cops were called to our house because neighbours heard us shouting at each other. Who did they blame for that? Oh yeah. Me.
One day, I had had enough. I still remember the day like it was yesterday. I was never confident enough to tell my parents how I felt. How bad it hurt when they yelled at me about so many things. It was after the last day of winter break and Toronto,  being such a freezing place as it is, was snowing heavily. We were on the way back home from school. My brother and I in the back, my dad driving and my mom in the passenger seat. Of course, even though I was 16, I couldn’t drive because my parents didn’t think enough to take me to get a permit. I wasn’t doing so good in school because of all of the stuff at home. I was never motivated to do work. As we were driving, my parents were yelling about how I wasn’t keeping up my grades.
“Huh, I wonder why?” I scoffed.
“What did you say?” my mom yelled.
“I said I wonder why!” I was furious. “You guys are always yelling at me! Never even give me a chance to explain myself. There’s never a point when we’re not fighting and I’m sick of it!” I let it all out.
“How dare you talk to us like that!” My dad turned his head back to look at me --and that was it-- My mom screamed as my dad tried to turn his head back and slammed on the brakes but the ice made the car slide off the road. BOOM. I heard horns. Loud horns.
The next morning I woke up in a hospital bed. My head felt like it was going to burst. I opened my eyes to see my parents and my brother. They were hovering over me with scratched up faces and bodies.
“You’re alive?” My mom sounded furious. I rubbed my eyes, and then saw that nobody was there. I was confused. I went to sit up, only to fall back into the bed. My body, it felt like I wasn’t controlling it. Like I was being held down, choked almost. I started violently coughing and pretty soon blood started gushing out of my mouth.
“Here’s some water,” a nurse said as she handed me a glass. What? She was not there a second ago. I looked down to see there was no sign of blood. What is going on?
“Are you okay?” the nurse asked.
“Sort of?” I was still weirded out about what was going on. “Where’s my family?”
“Oh honey, I’m so sorry but they didn’t survive the crash.”
I sat there stunned. I felt like my heart broke into thousands of pieces. My family died? They were all gone?
“Why did I survive?” I asked. We were all in that car. How come I was the only one who left with a few scratches?
“We are all still trying to figure that out. Hold on, I’ll get the doctor,” she said and left the room.
I was laying down. I felt like I couldn’t move. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Why not me? It wasn’t long before I started blaming myself. It was all my fault. If it wasn’t for me this wouldn’t have happened. If it wasn’t for me, we wouldn’t be fighting in the car. If it wasn’t for me, my dad wouldn’t have taken his eyes off the road, filled with rage. If--
My thoughts were interrupted with the doctor entering the room.
“Hey how you feeling?” he asked.
“I’ve been better,” I responded. My head was still pounding.
A few days had passed and I was finally allowed to leave. The hospital knew about my situation. How I had no one else except for my grandparents back in Portland. Since I was still a minor I was to go back and live with them until I was 18. Also great. Now I get to go back and live through that again.
“Way to go,” was the first thing I heard from my grandmother when I stepped into the house. No hello. Now how are you? Nothing.
“You were already such a burden. Now you've killed my children.” she claimed.  She was sobbing. Fake tears - I thought. But somewhere deep down, I knew she was right. Maybe all of their lives would have been better without me.
I started going to school again. But nothing was the same. I would sit in class. Just thinking. Suddenly I saw the door open. It was my mom, dad, and brother. Still cut up, covered in blood. They were inching towards me. Whispering.
“It was because of you.”
“How could you do this?”
“Why did you get to survive?”
“I- I don’t know,” was all I was able to get out.
“Are you okay?” said a girl sitting behind me. I changed my direction towards her, and then back at the doorway.
“I’m fine,” I responded, turning back towards my teacher, with my head everywhere else.
I went home and sat in my room. I didn’t eat much. Food tasted like throw-up. Not like there was much to eat anyway. My grandparents would usually eat out, never asked me if I wanted to go with.
I heard a knock on the door and I went to check. I opened it, to see my parents and brother again. Whispering the same words.
“It was because of you.”
“How could you do this?”
“Why did you get to survive?”
“LEAVE ME ALONE!” I screamed as loud as I could.
I slammed the door, locked it and scurried to the roof. I kept hearing loud footsteps as I ran up the stairs. No! No! No! I wouldn’t dare to look back.
“Go away.” I yelled.
I opened the door to the roof and also locked it behind me. The cold wind pierced through my weakened body. It was snowing a lot still. I ran and ran till I got to the edge of the roof. I heard muffled voices through the door and loud pounding. I stood up on the ledge and looked down.
I snapped out of my thoughts when I realized I had been standing here in the cold, with my now numb body, just thinking about everything that had led up to this point in my life. The images of my life flashing through my head. Maybe this is it, I thought. I started sobbing. I realized that was the first time I had cried after the crash. The news of my family being dead hadn’t hit me till this very moment. I’m not sure I was ever upset that they died, but upset that I hadn’t.
“I can’t escape this time,” I thought.
I don’t know what happened but I wasn’t supposed to survive. My parents and brother died in the car I was also in. They died. I had to too. So that’s what happened.