Chapter One:
Sleep

In my eyes, in my world, I am nothing. I have never been worth it, not to the students, to the teachers, to the people who look at me day to day and claim to be my “Family”. My feet hit the ground with careless steps, letting whatever small creatures and abandoned dreams crush under my emotional weight. Every day, this same hell holds me, and I still let it destroy me. My words were scattered thoughts, pushed together so tight that the seemed to threaten to explode out of my lungs onto the pavement before me. My head shakes with a tired sigh, my eyes looking up to the place that holds me captive, and forcefully shoves unneeded information deep into my  brain for me to forget later on. The building before me reminded me of the overbearing weight that pulled my shoulders to the ground, making my knees want to buckle.
    I realize the students around me, scurrying like mice in their small groups, heading for the single mousehole, hidden from the rising sun. I wanted to groan, but I knew that would grab the attention I don't want. My hand gripped the strap of my backpack so tightly that I felt my knuckles turn white, my slow heart beating in my ears as if warning me it could stop beautifully at any moment. I began to move the feet that were filled with fresh led, making every step feel like a chore. My chest rose and fell with the feeling that if I could just get away from these things, these animals that crowded in groups, their eyes glued to small boxes that held their life that seemed too important to them. But I knew, for the next 8 hours, I would be stuck with these bags of flesh and blood, the things that can tear you apart with their eyes.
    I found myself taking a staircase that was away from the normal herds of students, my heart seeming to slow even more, my eyes staying half open, begging for my heart to stop and let them close for an eternity. Two freshmen were running through the back halls, one knocked into my shoulder, letting me trip and fall onto one knee, looking up as they kept running. Pointless. My mind gave a word for a few things, some I didn’t know, honestly, at this point, i believed that my mind would explain to me the meaning of what life is, the meaning of my heart beating from day to day, my lungs rising and falling with strained pain.
    Tears would have fallen, but it seemed that my body had decided that I had cried enough the night before, and held them back, letting me stand, gather my bearings, and begin to walk through the thin halls, made even tighter by the bodies that pushed themselves together to form a strangling crowd.
    A breath of air, seeming to climb through the air as if desperately grasping for the ceiling, escaped my lungs, letting the emptiness in my chest grow. I found the simple doorway, wrapped in steel with a wooden door that I wished led to my grave. My eyes drifted over the sea of heads with knives for eyes, the bell was about to ring, and I had a few moments to hide in my seat from the preying eyes of the beasts around me. My body moved with the weight of the world on me, falling into the blue seat that I have grown accustomed to. The bag that held me down slumped to the floor, my table, one that could hold two, was empty. I had no friends, there were no friends here, it was a place for demons to dig their sharp nails into your life force, and slowly manipulate  then crush it. My eyes drifted closed, my breath seeming to slow, the sweet darkness behind the lids of my eyes letting my mind slowly pull me into its warm grasp.
    My eyes snapped open, my body jolted, a kid was next to me, jabbing my arm with a pencil as I heard an echo of a word familiar to me, “Rena? … Rena Gusen?”
I raised a pale, tired hand, “Here.”
The teacher nodded with what seemed like a sigh, her eyes drifting over the paper, marking it with a pencil she held too tightly, the led will break soon. My vacant eyes drifted to the kid who had woken me up, it was a guy, most likely a senior too, his ear-to-ear smile annoying as he waved to greet me. No. Not going to deal with this. My mind was perfectly numbed, my body didn't feel so broken when I was sleeping and this kid had woke me up.
“Hey.” He seemed to speak through that smile, it made me cringe on the inside.
I simply nodded to him, my eyes focusing for a moment on him, so I knew who to avoid in the halls. He had bright blonde hair, hazel eyes that seemed to be filled with the joy his mouth showed. This is sickening. My mind agreed with me, smiling was something I wished could happen, and last time I thought of it, I had hit the wall with such force I sprained my hand. I shook my head, turning it away from him, my eyes closing, I seemed to jump into the hold of my mind, letting it take me away from this pitiful place.
I felt another jab. I swear to god! My mind was starting to growl almost, annoyance showing. I sat up, glaring at the male, “What do you want?” My whisper was a hiss, tainted with dark poison threatening to strike at his vitals.
“Hey.” He had a notebook in front of him, a series of notes that she would get another zero for, “I am Jayson.” He said softly, “Like Jayy-Sun.” Did he really  have to sound it out?
“Cool.” I mutter, my lips wishing to stay closed, my lungs and heart yearning for the release of sleep. 
    “And you are?” He questioned, he seemed to be really trying with me.
    “You heard my name from the roll call...I am Rena.” I grunted, wanting to sleep so badly, it was great to sleep, and now it just annoyed me that this stupid kid was talking to me. They always leave, always make me hurt, so why hurt? All I have to do is pretend to not listen.
    “Yeah, but now you said it, so it’s good, I am guessing you  need a copy of my notes for the test tomorrow.” He said softly as I rolled my eyes.
    “Sure.” I won't even study anyways. I always fail
    “Okay, well meet me at the study hall after school.” He must have been timing it, because before I could disagree, the bell went off, the shrill noise rattled my ear drums, my heart spiking in the sudden adrenaline coursing through my veins.
    I cursed under my breath, standing, my hand gripping the strap of my bookbag, pulling it over my tired shoulders, walking out of the room, then letting my day fly by with the slow, mind numbing pace that made me want to bash my head into my desk.
    Before I knew it, the final bell rang, and many left with such energy that they would almost run out of the school, though I stayed, waiting for the crowds to disperse. I decided to blow off that kid, he was…weird. I am that girl I am the weirdo who no one really pays attention to but ends up in small little gossip of my classmates. I took a different way, the long way that made my legs hurt. As I exited, guess who was outside, calling someone. You have to be kidding me. I groaned, the doors were locked after I exited so I was screwed, I went to turn and scurry away, but a voice caught me, a cat's claws digging into the skin of my heels, planting them into the ground.
    “Hey, Rena!” His hand was in the air as he ran to me, smiling as I turned, a blank stare was all I gave, not showing my fear and anger over how I walked the longer way and still got stuck with this kid.
    “Ya?” I said softly, my eyes on the ground, not wanting to look into those happy eyes that I wish I could reflect into my own. I couldn't look at them at all now.
    “I have your notes, here.” He handed a handwritten copy, four pages, he had to have copied it and gave me the original.
    “Did you use the copier?”
    “Nope, it was broken, some idiot decided to sit on it and it didn't support him.” He rubbed the back of his neck, laughing before adding, “Well, I decided to hand copy them for ya, and try to get more sleep at night k?”
“Sure.” What was this kid doing, he was actually lecturing me? He just met me! I felt my stomach flip as I began to walk home, a two mile trip that hurt my body, but I knew that it would mean that I can stay away from others, and be able to think over pointless things, along with let my mind answer things for me, the normal is about me or what my self worth is, but today, my thoughts stayed on Jayson. Why? Why did he pick me? Out of the school of idiots to choose, he chooses me and ends up trying to talk to me while I sit there and ignore him. My actions kept cycling between shaking my head, sighing, groaning, and putting a palm to my forehead, letting the warmth from it seep into my head, warming my iced brain.
I looked around as I walked into my house, my mother waiting for me, she stood with my little brother, who seemed to run around with no destination in particular. Though when he saw me, he squealed, running into my arms.
“Sissy!” He yelled, putting small, chubby arms around me, tiny hands gripping my shirt as I returned the hug, placing my nose to the top of his forehead, he smelt like baby shampoo.
“Hey little man…” I mumbled, standing with him in my arms, walking through the house as I threw my backpack on the floor in my room. I didn't care for what was inside of it, and wouldn't care until something was unfortunate enough to be shoved inside that mess. 
He began to babble on about the day he had in his kindergarten class, and how his friends and projects when mom called him, “Deven, come on, let’s go get you cleaned up for dinner. You too Rena.” She let her eyes drift my way, giving a glare as if I had already did something wrong.
My eyes rolled as I walked to the master bathroom, Deven had always been washed in the guest because he liked the non slip stickers that were sea-shells and the curtain with a brown tree with branches that snaked up it as if it would come to life and break through the ceiling. The bathroom I planned to shower in, had a plain black curtain, which was on my request. Ever since my mom left my dad, she had issues using this bathroom. So it became mine.
I closed the door, sliding the lock into place, looking into the mirror, staring into my own grey-blue eyes, bags under them, my entire body seeming to look exhausted as I gripped the bottom of my shirt, pulling it slowly over my head and tossing it over to the side, letting ti crumple to the floor. A long sigh escaped my lips, my eyes tossing themselves to the mirror that held a skinny body. I didn't eat much anymore, and it showed with the way my stomach pulled itself in slightly, but not too much. I was what they called skinny, though, with my chest and bottom small, I was what they called unattractive. I had brown hair with pink on the bottom, flooding over my shoulders, threatening to wrap around my neck with haste to choke the life out of me. Oh I wish it would, but it seemed I wasn’t that lucky.
I found myself looking at my sides, coated with thick lines, all a darker or lighter color, some sticking out, some sinking in. I ran my thumb over them, there were so many. I have been clean for what seemed like years, when it was only 6 months. My eyes closed as I launched into a thought of how they happened, why they happened, and how they felt. I was told the next time I did it, I would go to the place I hated, a mental hospital. I had to go there for three months, and failed a grade, so I had to spend the summer working non stop to be able to fix it. My head shook, I am stronger that it. I recited one of the many battle phrases to keep me from ending it in a crimson, short lived peace treaty.
I let my attention drift lazily to undressing the rest of my fragile porcelain white body. Small tan lines should be revealed, but I was not like the cattle that would bath in the sun whilst chewing their cud. I was the human who sat in the shade and let my mind expand with small boxes of knowledge that I could let in if I chose, some unreal, some pieces of the world and history that I could think about in the moments when I needed to divert my mind.
My  hand grasped a cheap mock-crystal knob, turning it to the left, letting it settle between the middle and the H. As the water spurted out from a silver pipe extending from the wall, it let licks of head extend into the air, the water rushing into the drain, running with hopeless abandonment. I pushed a small silver button in, the water stopping for a moment before spraying from the shower head, small beads of heated liquid falling onto the base of the tub. After a second, I stepped in, my chest feeling the heat first. The water steamed at the ears, showing its anger by filling up the room with breath stealing water gas, letting my lungs want to choke. My hair stuck to my face, my hair heated, causing my head to respond with wanting to run away from this pain.
I let out a small sigh, turning the water to a hotter setting, letting it spray more onto me, the heat making me cry out lightly. With that, I put it on a lower setting, and began to do the normal wash routine, scrubbing my hair so hard that it scratched my scalp. I let the soap seep into my pores on my face and body, remembering how it would hurt mysides constantly.
I let the water run over my body, removing everything from today, pushing it into a dark drain there it turns into scum, letting it infect someone else's mind. My hand went to that same nob that let the angry, heated water run over me, and turned it to the center, the water slowly going away, waiting for its next victim.
I step out of the tub, taking a dark towel, pressing it to my  body, letting it hold me tightly, pressing the fibers to absorb the warm water into it, protecting me from the heat. I walk out of the bathroom, out of the master bedroom, and into my small room, shutting the door and locking it to keep Deven out while I changed.
A simple black tank top and shorts was what I chose, the black shorts came to my upper thigh, and normally in school id put black leggings to hide the ghostly pale that most would laugh at. Though since I didn't feel like placing my body in the oven to crisp to a golden brown and make it be in pain from frying my skin, I chose to no longer swim or go into the sun much, if so it was to have a jacket and jeans on. In my house, I was able to wear what they call summer clothing, normal clothing. The house that held me was a large umbrella, hiding me from the bright, damaging rays that could burn me if I lay for too long.
    I stepped out to see my little brother sitting at the table, stuffing bits and pieces of chicken into his mouth, babbling about one of the many things he has done today. I take a seat next to him, looking at the bits and pieces of mashed potatoes that has crawled off of his plate, trying to escape his messy fingers. Dinner for me was the basic normal things, mostly consisting of my mother yelling at me for my grades, Deven laughing and giggling when I would make smart comments. I got slapped for it of course before bed, and ended up laying down in my soft, warm bed with a burning cheek and jaw. She had very strong hands, working where she did, a resort, seemed to help her with the constant movement.

Chapter Two:
Awake

    The same walk, the same sky, the same cars, the journey to school was slow, enough to where I could have nodded out right...here…
    “Hey!” That voice, Oh no. Jayson was running up to me, wearing jeans, not too tight, but lazily thrown on, with a plaid shirt half buttoned up, his hair messy, eyes filled with tired excitement. “Great thing I was late or I wouldn’t have seen ya!” He said as he began to match the normal pace of my feet. Great? More like unfortunate.
    “Yea. Sure.” I grunted, my eyes looking ahead, my hands wrapped around the familiar straps of my book bag. It was the only thing I had to keep me calm at the moment, and at the moment, I found that the boring routine, was actually great.
    “Well, did you study?”
    “No.” Answer fast and answer short, he will get bored of me.
    “You should have some time in class to study, maybe we could pair up.”
    “I’m fine alone.” True.
    “Please? I need someone to quiz me at least.”
    “Ask one of the other people in class, they know more.”
    “Too bad, I want to study with you.” He huffed lightly, seeming to pout as he looked ahead.
    “You’re stubborn, you know that?” I rolled my eyes as I added, “Fine, whatever floats your boat.”
    “Yeah, so? You gave in didn't you?” Crap.
    We walked in silence all the way to school, the sun pushing down on us with the force of its entirety. It made my legs weak, along with my bag even heavier today. Did I eat breakfast this morning? No. The weakness in my body explained it, it seemed to scream from my stomach, begging for anything. My hands tightened, darkness dancing on the edges of my vision.
    Shaking my head, I barely listened to Jayson babble on just like my brother, he wasn’t a cow in the field, more like a bird, one who sits in the tree I use for shade, chirping and dropping sticks from its nest onto my head, waking me from sleep that I desperately wanted. I let out a breath as we entered the campus, my head letting the minutes, even seconds tick away of how long he would stay around me.
    I felt my leg catch on something, someone elses. I looked up, my eyes filling with empty fear, “B*tch.” I grunted, seeing a bleach blonde, with as little clothing as she could pass for in this school. A bottom of a foot hit my mouth, I could smell the grass in her heels. I didn't cry out, but Jayson did.
    My mind was numb as blood spilled from my nose and lip, something was cut, and I felt like I was being moved, I could hear someone yelling.

***

My eyes opened slowly, the first thing I saw, was hazel, tear filled eyes, hair messy, blood on his clothing. We weren't in the school, but it seemed an emergency room. My mother sat in the corner, shaking her head. My eyes drifted painfully to the clock, seeing it was 4:03.
    “What the hell Rena?” She was mad, she would slap me if Jayson wasn’t here, “You got in a fight?”
    “Kimberly, it wasn’t a fight.” Jayson was speaking, no don’t.
    “You don’t need to butt into your life.” She started getting angry, she might slap him now.
    “S-Stop.” I pushed out the words, my head hurting with each syllable that slipped from my tongue.
    “Shut up Rena.” She retorted. I closed my mouth.
    “No you, Mr. Know-It-All. Leave.”
    “But-” Jayson tried to argue, but I already knew what would happen.
    “I will get security.”
    He was silent after that, he placed his hand on mine, and mumbled, “Remember, you have to study with me when you get out of here, so get better soon.” Me and him both knew that the test had already happened, so why was he saying that? I let my brows push together with confusion as he left. My mother followed, closing the curtain as she moved over to me, seeming to not care if anyone heard the harsh noise that echoed. I knew Jayson would hear it, and I thought I could hear his footsteps stop, then restart. My face burned, my headache worse as I laid there, wondering why my hand was so warm, and why my mind wanted his hand to be there.