I sighed as the smoke curled up around me. It just happened to be the only thing reliable in my life. I looked around me; piles of plaster from the walls fell like stars from the heavens above. The windows were a cold hard grey but no one would care. I had no one to care. Between the high and the almost empty bottle of cheap tequila I was feeling pretty s***. The feeling of carpet slid across my feet slowly. The ghost of her seemed to follow me, leaving wisps of despair and sorrow. I could never escape you could I?

            Anti-depressants had never really worked. They didn’t help the depression they just made me numb. I found myself hating myself even more than usual. The feeling of carpet was still there. The keys seemed to jingle as I picked them up. I looked into your eyes again.  They sat there lifeless in front of me. The sparkle was gone. It was all gone.
            Cold, that’s all I could feel.  I could feel myself choke before the taste of bitter bile rushed up pushing itself out of my mouth. It was true and honest torture, knowing you would be waiting for me when I got home, whenever I happened to roll into bed with you. You would be there waiting. You never left. I tried concentrating on the road in front of me but all I could really see was a blur in front of me.  I was waiting for it, the swerve, the crash, the flames, the burn, but nothing ever came.  Nothing.
             The sound of screams echoed around me, slamming into me at all sides.  I could feel them choke me, wrapping a cold hand around my throat squeezing out sobs. I was slamming my hand into the steering wheel. That was all I could really do. The smoke continued to curl up around me even though I left the blunt at home.  Your fingers still brushed against my bare skin even though I had left you at home. Nothing left but nothing was left. The screams still tore at me.
             They’d dig their fingernails into my sides again and again but the swerve never came. The road never ended. It never ended. Nothing ever ended yet it was all over.  The suit around me was pure white. I had dressed up for you. I wanted to go in style. I wanted to look my best for you for the rest of our time.
             Gut wrenching sobs, and a mind wrecking headache followed my screaming fit.  I found myself parked.  I found myself huddled next to you baring my back against the bitter cold. I could never get over you could I?
             Cold sweats wracked my body. I was asking you out for the first time. I sat there in the back watching as you pranced around running around and loving life. The water seemed to pull at you. I felt everything at once. I pulled at my skin wishing the marks would go away, wishing the tattoos would fade into ink and wash away with the tide. I found myself more than anything wishing I was pure like him. I wished that I was him; pulling at your hand leading you into the water; leading you into your domain. Your lips seemed to pull me in as you smiled.       
             How could you be so perfect?  I could feel all my insecurities ripping at me. The high I felt wore me down so much. I could be your everything. I could hold you at night when you were cold or just lonely. I could tell you that you were perfect every day. I could love you like no one else does. Because no matter what happened I would.
             Love me. I love you. You pulled at me know allowing me to collapse into your domain with you. I saw it in your eyes, the loneliness, the depression. I could see the scars, they weren’t physical but they were bleeding hard. They were washing in with the tide swirling and mixing with the ink. Our eyes locked and I could feel the wave leave us, wahing away the pain and insecurities leaving us.
I lean forward, you do too. I love you. He wasn’t good enough. He didn’t love you. He didn’t tell you. He didn’t even think it and If he did I would kill him. Our lips locked. A gasp , a flick of the tongue, a giggle a breath of air and repeat. I could feel you surging through my veins like heroin. A drug, that’s what you were.
             I was obsessed. Without you there was aches, pain, insomnia. I could feel every inch of you and I wasn’t pulling away at all. I could hear the wolf whistles. I could hear the crash of the waves. I could hear our heartbeats, just happening to be beating together. I love you. Love me back.
             I love you. Love me. I love you so much. I love you. Love me back.
             I can’t live without you.
I love you. Love me. I love you so much. I love you. Love me back
             Your hands wrapped around the base of my neck. I found myself laughing, pulling the black beanie over my blushing face when you pulled back. I could feel you in my veins. He wouldn’t love you like I would. EH couldn’t love me like I could.
             I love you. Love me. I love you so much. I love you. Love me back
Heroin.
I could feel your presence as I walked in. I was ashamed. I tried to join you in sleep but I failed.
The world was spinning beneath me. The constellations swirled, stars moving and falling. Hot white streaks of white rushing through the sky moved. We dance around. I hold you. You almost fall out of my hands but I can hold on right now. We twirled underneath the raining sky. We twirl and whirl and you love me.
The stars are guiding us. I failed but you forgive me.  The dance was simple but exquisite. I felt the rush the dizziness. I felt our love and It was amazing.  I found myself wondering how I ended up with someone so perfect.
I see your smile in your sleep. I see you shift and move beneath me. I feel you roll over and I can even feel the cold breath you release. You’re tired but that’s okay. We’re okay. I found my eyes falling shut against my will. I was fine with it though. You’d be here when I awoke.  You’d be there always.
You were mine. I was yours. There’s no changing it.
I say goodbye for the night.
Because when daylight falls Ill leave you in fear of separation.
You’d always be there though.