Depressed. That’s what I am. I’m alive, but I’m barely breathing. Most times I wish the breathing would stop. I don’t get it. How can I be so far gone? Literally dying from the inside out, and yet nobody notices. Their life moves on. Even my parents think I’m fine, but I think they stopped trying to care. The kids at school don’t talk to me so they wouldn’t know the difference.
I’m not your average girl… I am completely overweight and I have the ugliest face you have ever seen. Greenish-brown eyes. Hazel they call it. When in reality it should be called “lifeless.” My nose is too big for my face and my lips have no volume. I have a thousand freckles on my face that not even make up can cover. My hair is dried out and way too brown. It’s dull too. I don’t have expensive clothes and nobody talks to me. I used to have friends and a big future ahead of me too.
The depression started early 8th grade. I couldn’t tell at first. It came slowly then all at once. At first I’d slowly drifted from my friends. I sat at home more often. I stopped eating as much. I listened to music more and my room became my life. The cutting came later, at the end of summer.
School was bad that day. Really bad. I dropped my books in class and when everyone started laughing I decided that I just had enough. I yelled at everyone, begging them to stop laughing at me, but that just made it worse. The entire class roared with laughter. My teacher just stood there and watched. I couldn’t take it anymore. I threw my book across the room and ran out the door. I ran out of the school and all the way home, too.
Once I got home, my dad started in on me. My teacher had called him and told him about me running out of class. When he said that he was disappointed in me, I broke down sobbing. This happens every time that he takes those meds that the doctor gave him. He becomes a monster. He screams at me and everyone else. I didn’t understand why he yelled at me so much. All he does is scream. Why was I such a mistake? After he leaves, I’m left with one option.
I go to my bathroom and go into the shower. I take it out. The shiny metal blade. I sit on my bed and drag it across my wrist begging to be somewhere else. I hate it here. I’d be better off dead.
Then I start to bleed and all the emotional pain goes away. All that I concentrate on is the blood running down my arm in a perfect crimson line. It seeps into my blanket, but I don’t even care. I sit there, half dead. I’ve stopped crying, and I’m completely numb. Finally, the way that I want to be. Numb. Away from the pain that is constantly there. 
My body tells me to stop, that I’m okay now, but my brain says one more won’t hurt. I don’t stop until the blood is in-between my fingers and I feel lightheaded. I feel dead inside and out now. With one more slit across my wrist I slowly drift out of consciousness.

~
I wake up in a white room. All I see is white: white walls, white floors, and white lights. That’s when I realize that I am in the hospital. My mom is asleep beside me. She looks rough, and I can’t help but feel bad that it’s my fault that she is in here.
The doctor walks in, interrupting my thoughts. His name is Dr. Miller. He is very young and very handsome. He could be a model even. He has brown hair, glasses, and pale skin.
After he introduces himself he wakes up my mother. She comes and sits by me on my small hospital bed.
When the doctor starts talking, I know it is going to be bad. He says that when I was cutting, I lost too much blood and fainted. My brain was probably trying to block out all of the pain from cutting.
He brings up treatment options with my mom. He wants me to go to Better Days Treatment Center. He doesn’t believe that I can stop on my own.
He takes my mom out into the hall to continue to discuss my condition.  He convinces her that I need the help. I can overhear them talking, but I tune it out.
~
I don’t sleep at all that night. All I could think of is that in the morning I am going to have to leave everything I know behind. I keep wondering what is going to happen.
I don’t want to go. I just want my mom to be happy. She deserves it.
I must drift off to sleep at some point, because before I know it, it is morning and time to leave. I go straight from the hospital to the treatment center. I don’t even get to go home. They are afraid I’ll grab something that I’m not allowed to have.
When I get there I get put into a room. It looks like a cell. I have a twin sized bed with a thin mat for a mattress. I have a sheet and absolutely no blankets. The pillow felt like rocks under my delicate head. I knew that this was going to be bad.
I realize that I have a roommate. I didn’t bother asking her name. I was hoping that I didn’t have to get to know anybody. She has short hair and she doesn’t seem like the type of person who belongs here, but I guess who does belong in a place like this.
From the outside it looked like a nursing home. On the inside it’s like a prison. Locked doors everywhere. Woman in nurse uniforms. I wondered to myself why they were all girls.
We go to lunch. They want me to introduce myself to the girls from group. They are all relatively my age. I get assigned to a table. They all look at me. It wasn’t a look I’ve seen before. I don’t even think that I could explain it. They are forced to introduce themselves. I heard Ashley and that’s where my mind went blank.
After lunch we had to go to our “cells.” We had down time because apparently when you’re sick like we are you need to get some sleep. I didn’t sleep. All I could think about was getting out of here. To have the ability to have that blade slit my wrist ever so slightly.
I realized I was crying. I dried my tears and then walked to the bathroom. My roommate is quiet. I like that. She didn’t even question me as I walked out the door.
I needed to shower so I quickly ran to my suitcase to get something to wear. I wasn’t allowed to go home so I was stuck with whatever mom brought for me. Thank goodness she packed my spandex. I went back to the bathroom and I locked the door behind me.
I got undressed and ran the water for a while. I take my time. Doing everything so slow. I pull the shower curtain and just sit under the scolding hot water. The water felt so nice. Probably the best part about this place. I have to resist looking at my wrist. It hurts under the water pressure.
I slip and fall taking the shampoo with me. I reach down to grab it and I see my wrist for the first time since the hospital. I get a pit in my stomach. I finally see what I’ve done to myself, but the weird thing is. I don’t regret doing it. I deserve to feel this. I deserve to have these cuts all the way up my arm. I don’t deserve to be beautiful. This is what I deserve.
I get out of the shower and dry off. I put on my clothes and go back to my bed. My roommate is gone and we have to go to group. I’m guessing she already left.
I walked down the white hallways. Trying to figure out where I was. I haven’t eaten in days and I become really faint. I sit down and try to get a grip. I waited about 10 minutes and then got up. I walked into the room where I was supposed to be 25 minutes ago.
As I walk in everyone turns to look at me. It is really embarrassing. The group leader, I’m guessing, told me to come in and take a seat. I didn’t respond. I grabbed a chair and sat in the back. They were in a circle. Typical group session. She asked my name. I didn’t answer again. Hoping she would get the point. She didn’t give up until group was over.
I kept my arms crossed and my eyes closed the entire group. I could’ve been sleeping. Nobody would’ve ever known, but I heard her bring me up in conversation throughout the hour. She makes me feel self-conscious. I don’t like her. I decided then I was done with her.
As we go to bed that night I cover up with the thin sheet we were given. I try to get comfortable, but it was difficult. I dozed off little by little. Trying to get some type of sleep. I want them to think I’m okay. I want them to let me go home.
I woke up the next morning waiting for visiting hours. I want to see my dad. He hasn’t seen me since before the hospital when we got into that stupid fight. I miss him.
I didn’t eat breakfast again. I’m not a morning person. Only 2 more hours. 10 o’clock is visiting. I know mom is coming. She promised that she would see me. She said that dad’s getting worse, but I don’t want to worry about it. I know he will be okay.
At 10 o’clock exactly mom shows up with a bag in her hand. It has more clothes in it. I thought I would be leaving soon. Not staying longer, but I’m going to make her think I’m okay. That will be better for everyone.
We sit down on these plastic chairs in the cafeteria. It’s awkward at first. Lots of hugging and weird kisses I haven’t gotten since I was 6. I feel bad for hurting her. I don’t say it though. I asked how my dad was doing instead. She takes a short breath and I realize that she has to tell me something.
She comes closer to me and starts to cry and I know that it’s going to be bad. She tells me that dad isn’t getting better that in fact he’s getting worse. She doesn’t know who he is anymore. She’s sobbing and I don’t know how to feel. I become really bitter and I honestly just want to leave.
I pick up my stuff and I go. I leave her where she is and I just walk away. Nobody tries to stop me. I go to my room and cry. I cry like I haven’t cried in a really long time. I became a wreck and I couldn’t control myself anymore. I needed that blade.
I cry myself to sleep and wake up not being able to remember where I was. I saw my roommate on her bed. I think she was drawing, but I couldn’t tell what. I get out of bed and head for the bathroom when she stopped me.
She asked me why I left during visitation time. I just shrugged. She asked why I was so disrespectful in group. Again I shrugged my shoulders and said.
"I don't know."
She shrugged.
"Yeah me either. My name is Holly by the way."
"I’ve got to go,” she mutters quickly.
I left my room and kept questioning myself. I didn't know what was going through my head anymore. I didn't know how I was feeling. All I knew was that I wanted to go home right now.
I called my mom from the community room. I apologized and she started sobbing. I heard a door open in the background. I wondered who it was. She became quiet and then said she had to go because someone just came in. I asked if it was dad and she stayed quiet.
Then all I heard was screaming. My mom sobbing in the background and cries of pain. At this point I’m screaming and I have no idea what is going on. I hear the phone get thrown and I start crying. I heard mom in the background telling who I’m guessing is a man that it's her daughter on the phone. I hear the phone get picked up and then there was breathing.
It was heavy and reminded me of a scary movie. As the silence almost became too much the man spoke.
"Anna. Anna is that you?"
"Dad."
"I'm so sorry, baby girl."
"I have to go to group."
"I love you darlin’."
"Yeah... Love you, too," I forced out as my brain tried to process what had just happened.
My emotions were everywhere. He seemed so normal on the phone but mom said he's doing worse. Was he the one making mom scream like that? Was he hurting her? Was it the meds?
I need a walk, but unfortunately because I’m in a nut house I’m not allowed outside. So I go for a walk around the building. I need to calm down and get that stupid phone call out of my mind. It just makes me need to go home so much sooner. All I can think of is the pain in my mom's voice. She got hit. I could tell by the way she was crying. Almost screaming.
I am freaking out in my mind. I guess it showed through because I suddenly have people right next to me. I feel faint again. I remember I haven't eaten yet. I think of my mom and what she would say and then everything goes black just like it did when I went to the hospital.
I like it better dark. It's easier to hide; it makes everything disappear. I could be anyone, like anything, and nobody would ever know. Nobody knows my feelings in the dark. It's just easier. So to my distaste when I woke up I got a light right in my eyes. I groaned and rolled over. I look at my clock and see that it's 10 o'clock at night which means I’ve been out for hours.
The group leader was in my room now. She looks at me and sighs. She rubs my back and then makes me turn around.
"What happened?" she asked
"I don't know."
"Why would you faint for hours like that Anna?"
"I DON'T KNOW!"
She winces when I scream at her. She looks hurt. I feel bad in a way. So I quickly apologize, loud enough for only her to hear. She nods her head, and leaves the room. A nurse comes in and forces food down my throat. It wasn't half bad.
I gulp down the rest of my milk, and I lay down. It was pretty late so I decided to go to bed. I lay there thinking about everything. My mom's phone call. The fact that I just fainted. My dad, and the hospital.
                                                       ~
I've been here for exactly 3 weeks and 4 days. I still hate it here. I still don't participate in group. Nobody knows me. They just know of me. I get my stuff done and I sleep. I eat one meal a day because the portions are huge and I just don't like the social time that they are forcing us to have.
Mom is coming today. We talked on the phone last night. That was the first time I’ve been near the community room since that night. I get chills just thinking about it. I didn't ask about it and mom didn't bring it up. I don't think I could handle that right now.
She walked through the doors of the cafeteria at 10:04 am. I know because I checked the clock above her head as she walked in the room. She was smiling from ear to ear. She hugged me and kissed me. We sat down and my mind drifted.
"What's wrong Anna?"
"Where is dad?"
"He's at home baby. Why?"
"Because I’m in a treatment center mom. I haven't seen my dad in almost a month."
"He's sick."
"So take him off the medicine"
"Anna we need to talk"
"Go on."
"He's addicted, baby girl."
My mind went blank and I didn't know what to say.
"I have no idea what he is taking anymore. He is gone all the time, and he's made new friends. Bad friends. He quit his job, and he's been seeing someone else. I’m so sorry." she said.
I stayed quiet. She took this as a hint that she should just stop. We stayed silent until one of the nurses said that it was time to wrap it up. I told mom that it was time that I came home. I knew it was a long shot, but she just nodded her head.
"Soon baby. Soon."
"I love you mom."
"I love you too, Anna."
I went to my room and laid on my bed. I thought I was going to cry. I thought I was going to break again, but instead I sat alone curled up in a ball. It was dark in the room, and I had no idea where Holly went. I liked how alone I felt. I need to be alone. I stayed like that until I couldn't handle it anymore. I started overthinking everything in my head, and I started to freak myself out.
I was kicking and screaming and crying all at the same time. I couldn't control anything that my body was doing. I was completely out of it. I imagine things in my mind. My mom being so sad and my dad being a drug addict. We used to be so happy. We had so much, and now look at us. I am in a mental hospital, and my dad is a pill popper. My mom is depressed. I can see it in her eyes now. I can see it because it's the same look that I have in my eyes when I look into the mirror.
I calm myself down eventually. I start to breathe and my heart goes down to a normal rate. I hope nobody heard me. I hope they don't think I’m crazy. I just want to go home. I don't understand why I’m still here.
I look at the clock and I see that it's 5 minutes before group. I decide that I'm going to go. I wipe off my face and put on some shorts. I walk into the room, and everyone is having their own conversations. I stand alone in the corner waiting for this to begin.
She walks into the room. She looks at me with pity now. I have no idea why. I decide to forget about it, and take a seat. I sit in the back by myself again. I'm not very social. I still don’t’ know the leader’s name, but that's okay. I'll be leaving soon anyways... I hope.
She begins with asking us how our days have been. She introduces the new girl. Her name is Monica. I still can't find Holly. I wonder where she went. I worry. Even if we didn't talk much, at least she respected me for who I am.
Monica is beautiful. She explains her "life story." It's pretty much the same as everyone else’s, but she was brought up differently. She grew up rich to where the rest of us were relatively broke. She was a social butterfly, and obviously liked to talk because at the end of group she was still talking.
When everyone is almost out the door someone yells my name. I turn around and look around the room. The group leader waved me over.
"Come here."
"Hey. What’s up?"
"Can we talk?"
"Yeah...”
"Take a seat sweetheart."
As I sit down I know that something is about to happen. I just get a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
"What's going on?"
"Anna. Your dad passed away about 2 hours ago."
"What? You’re lying! Why would you say something like that?"
"Honey, I wouldn't lie to you. Your mom is on her way."
I black out. I couldn't handle it. I felt the same rush that went through my body as I slowly fell into utter blackness. I wish the darkness would stay, but every night becomes day.
I wake up in my room. My mom sitting next to my side. Crying really hard. I sat up straight having flashes of my last conversation with the group leader. She was there too. Standing to the side keeping an eye on things.
My mom straightens up seeing up awake.
"How are you doing?"
"Tell me that she's lying."
"Lying about what baby?"
"Tell me dad's alive. Tell me he's okay."
She starts crying again. I knew right there that he was gone. I may not have trusted her, but I definitely trusted my mom. She'd never lie.
"Anna your father is dead."
"What happened?"
"I don't know for sure yet, but he was with his friends. He came home, and you could tell he was under the influence. He was drinking and I have no idea what type of drugs he had taken. He was stumbling up the stairs. When he walked into the bedroom he laid down and he passed out. I went to check on him an hour later, and he didn't have a heartbeat. I called the ambulance, and they declared him dead on the scene."
At this point I really didn't know what to do. This took my emotions to another level. I didn't know whether I wanted to cry or scream or beg God to give him a second chance. I couldn't feel anything. I was so numb. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I started shaking, and I couldn't breathe anymore. My mom was freaking out, and the leader came to my aid trying to keep me concisions.
They kept talking to me, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop myself. I screamed so loud that the entire neighborhood must have heard me. I didn't know how to handle this type of pain. I went through a lot with the depression and the cutting, but this pain topped that without a doubt. I don't seem to know what I was doing until I was already doing it.
Mom had to leave because it technically was against the rules for her to be there in the first place. As she left I got up and hugged her so tight I knew it was hard for her to breathe. When I let go there were tears in her eyes and I could tell she was trying to stay strong for the both of us.
"I'm ready to come home."
"I don't think right now is the best time."
"I need to be home. I have to help you."
"Baby just worry about yourself and getting better because I can't lose you both."
"Mom look at me. I'm completely fine. I have been doing so well, and after all this is over then I will come back if you believe I need too."
Mom looks at the group leader and kind of looks hopeful.
"Is that allowed to happen?"
"That is only a decision that you can make."
"Anna you can come home, but not tonight. I want the police gone and everything cleaned up before you get home. I will come back tomorrow at 6 to pick you up."
"I love you Mom!"
"I love you too baby girl. Pack your stuff. I will see you tomorrow."
"Bye."
As she leaves I hug her again, and she starts crying. I wipe her tears and tell her to hang in there because we will get through this together. She lightens up then leaves. I run back into my bed and I start grabbing everything and anything that I can get my hands on, and throw it into my duffle bag that my mom gave to me on my first day here. I wipe my eyes and I continue to pack. I'm finally going home.
I am almost done packing when the group leader comes in and sits on the corner of my thin mattress. She just sits there not saying anything. Just sitting there, watching me. Almost too cautiously. So I decided to speak.
"Can I help you?"
"Nope just continue."
"Why are you here?"
"I just wanted to sit down for a while."
"On my bed?"
"Yep."
"Hmm. Sometimes I just don't understand people."
I decide to ignore her, and continue packing. I start to think about what my life is going to be like at home. All I can picture though is all of us sitting at the kitchen table for Christmas or my birthdays. I want to picture my life in the future, but all that comes is the past. It won't go away and I start to cry thinking that I’ll never have another birthday or any other holiday with my dad because he will be 6 feet under instead of at the kitchen table cutting my cake.
I realize then that the leader is still in my room as I am having one of my stupid meltdowns, and I try to calm down and staring at her with the pity in her eyes I just breakdown. I have always hated pity. I can't handle it. Ever since I was little I’ve hated when people looked at me like that.
I fall to the ground crying and she very carefully goes to the ground as well. She puts her tiny fingers around the small of my back, and continues to try and get closer. I let her only because I realize that she knew this was going to happen and she wanted to be her for me when it did.
I curl up in a ball and I lean up against her shoulder. Crying and repeating the word "Why" time after time. She didn't say anything. She just sat there and listened. Eventually, when I slowed down on my crying I sat up, and I started talking about my dad. Only the good never bringing up the bad. I think I went on for hours and hours. The leader whose name I found out was Maria just listened until I asked what happened to Holly.
A smile spread across her face, and she said that Holly had graduated the program and she had went home. I was so happy for her, and I couldn’t wait to be like her. She was happy. She was finally clean, and she finally had her life together. She found her flaws and fixed them to the best of her ability.
We talked and talked some more until I was so tired I couldn't handle staying up any later. I decided to get into my bed. Maria didn't leave. She stayed and took over the talking. She told me about her family, and how she became a counselor at Better days. I listened so carefully concentrating on every word, but eventually I passed out and slept a dreamless sleep.
I woke up the next morning, and I finished packing. I left out enough to take a shower with. I left my duffle on my bed, and I ran to the bathroom quick. I put all my stuff down, and then locked the door. I turn on the scalding hot water and I take a fast shower.
When I get out I get dressed, and I run back to my room. I go to turn around to go to breakfast when I run into Monica. I look her up and down. She's wearing a really expensive looking sweater, and jeans that must have cost a fortune. I really don't understand why she's here.
"Oh I'm sorry I didn't mean to bump you," I said.
"It's fine."
"Okay. Are you going to breakfast?"
"Yeah, I was on my way. You?"
"Sure. Uh, I guess let's go."
As we are walking it's a lot more awkward than I thought that it was going to be. We go down the long hallways and into the cafeteria. It's really not a long walk, but it was taking forever.
"Why are you here?" she asked.
"I could ask you the same question."
"I asked first."
"I cut myself too deep and I almost died."
"Oh."
"Yep. So how about you?"
"Um...I took a rope and hung myself. My mom walked in just seconds before I died."
"Ahh. That's gotta be rough."
"Yup."
"I heard you’re leaving."
"I'm leaving in a little bit actually."
"That's a shame."
I didn't reply. I just looked at her curiously. She's different than I had guessed her to be. I stereotyped her, and I instantly regret it. I wish I would have gotten to know her better because she seems like someone I would be friends with to be honest.
We walk into the lunch room, and I get a banana not being that hungry, and sit down next to all the girls from group. I take a look around, and I see all the people I never even got to meet being here for over a month. I did so many things that i regret here, and yet I still can't wait to get home.
I seem to be the talk of the table today because everyone keeps looking at me and whispering. One girl speaks up.
"I'm sorry," she whispers.
I know exactly what she is talking about and I just nod my head. I go numb instantly, and I throw my half eaten banana in the trash. Walking out of the lunch room getting looks from every direction. I feel the walls closing in on me, and I can't even explain the pain that was in my gut right now.
Monica must have followed me into the room because she was sitting next to me. She asked me what happened. I tried telling her, but it hurt so badly. It wasn't just emotional pain anymore. It was physical. It felt as if someone were taking a knife and carving into my stomach from the inside.
"My dad died last night."
"You’re the talk of the lunchroom."
"Everyone looked at me with the sad pity eyes, and then some girl said she was sorry. I couldn't handle it."
"My dad is dead too. I really don't remember him, but he died when I was 6 in a car accident."
"Does the pain go away?"
"You tell me."
"What do you mean?"
"You'll find out...”
"Um... Okay?"
My mom walked through the door and I looked at the clock. It was only 11 o'clock.
"You’re early!"
"They got done late last night, and I wanted to come get you before anything came up. Are you ready?"
"Yes! Let's go."
"Alright. I'll go release you, and you go say goodbye to your friends."
I watch her go, and then give Monica a hug. I said that I would miss her, and she told me to stay strong. I told her the same, and we hugged again. I grabbed my bad, and we both walked out of the room. I went to Maria's room, and found her sitting at her desk. I knocked on the door and she told me to come in.
I walk in kind of awkwardly and walk over to her desk. She looks up from her papers, and looks surprised to see me.
"Are you leaving?"
"Yeah. My mom came early."
"Come here."
She gave me a hug and she rubbed my back for a minute or so, and I realized that I was really going to miss her.
"I’m going to miss you, Maria."
"I'm going to miss you, too, sweetheart. Come and visit me."
"I will."
My mom walked into the room and told me that we had to go. I waved and picked up my bag. I walked out the office door and down the hallway in silence. We walked out the locked doors with the guard, and we went to the car. It smelled of perfume, and fast food.
My mom started the car, and the radio started up. One of my old songs from my iPod. I looked at her with questioning eyes. She just shrugged and smiled.
"I missed you more than I made it seem."
"I missed you too!"
We drove in silence the only sound being the music in the background. I stared out the window watching everything go past so fast. I didn't realize until now how far I was from home.
"How far are we from home?"
"We will be home in about 45 minutes. Why?"
"I just didn't know how far away I was."
"We will be there soon."
I just smiled, and continued to look out the window. At some point I fell asleep because I was woken up by mom shaking my shoulder,
"We are home baby girl."
I open my eyes, and I look around not aware of my surroundings. I look in front of me and see our beautiful brown brick house. I unbelt myself, and run into the house. I run up the stairs, and into my room. I grab my pillows and snuggle up to them. I lay there for a few minutes until I decide to go look around. I slowly sit up, and notice that my mom had gotten me a new blanket. I wonder what had happened to the old one.
I continue to look around my room, and see that nothing has changed besides the blanket. I shut my door and I go into the hallway. I go into the guest room which has been empty for years, but when I look into it now there are pill bottles everywhere and beer cans all over the floor. The window seems to be broken and my stereo is in the corner. I wonder how all this stuff had gotten in here. Then I remember my mom's wording at the treatment center.
"He's addicted baby girl."
I can't understand why I didn't believe her. Looking around this room I wonder how she lived. I can't believe that she lived like this. I hear feet coming up the stairs, and hurriedly shut the door. I run back into my room and scramble in my bed.
"Are you okay, Anna?"
"Yeah I'm fine. I just really missed my bed!"
"Haha. I see why."
"Where did you put my old blankets?"
"They are just being cleaned right now."
"So I can have them back?"
"Yes. I just didn't want you to see all that blood."
I nod my head and instantly all the memories from that day come flooding back. Everyone in class laughing at me. Running out of class. Getting into that stupid fight with my dad. Walking into the shower and grabbing that razor blade. The relief pouring through me as I slit my wrist. The sight of bright red blood pouring from my body, going in between my fingers and all over the place.
It's crazy to think I went that far. I shudder and am thankful that I didn't succeed. I look at my mom and I see her remembering something, too.
"What are you thinking about mom?"
"When I gave birth to you. You were so happy,” she says wistfully. “I was thinking about what I could've done differently…to make happier."
"It wasn't your fault mom," I get out quickly as I move to hug her.
"What did I do wrong as a mom?" she sobs.
"Mom look at me.” I wait until her eyes are focused on mine. “This isn't your fault. None of this is your fault I promise. I did this because I wasn't happy with myself and where I was in my life."
"Your dad said it was my fault Anna," she mumbles miserably.
"Dad wasn't in his right mind. He didn't say it. The drugs did. He couldn't think for himself it was the pills and the alcohol."
"I can't lose you both Anna. Please stay with me," she begs.
"I will stay with you forever, mom. I promise."
In that moment I meant it. I knew that I was strong enough to stop. I have gone over a month without cutting, and my mom needs me right now. She already lost so much with my dad being gone, but I knew that this wasn't just about her. I was ready to be done, too. I didn't need it anymore.
I looked at her in the eyes and said "I am done mom. I promise. I don't need it anymore." She nodded her head and pulled me into a hug.
After a couple minutes she pulls out of the hug, and stands up.
"Let's go watch a movie."
"I'll make the popcorn."
"Okay!"
We stayed up all night watching movies on Netflix, and talking about the most random things. I really missed her... We didn't talk about dad or me being in the hospital. Just good times and everything to come in the future.
I woke up the next morning with my head in her crossed legs. I looked at the clock on the TV, and I saw that it was 4:17 a.m. There was no way that I was going back to sleep so I got up. I moved to the chair, and I just sat there for about 25 minutes. I kept thinking about how quiet it was. Then I thought about the guest room.
I got up, and realized that we wouldn't be able to move on if all that stuff was in that room was gone. I went to the kitchen to grab bags and some cleaners. I walked up the stairs quietly.
I open the door and decide to start in the far left corner. I pick up all the glass, and anything that could hurt me first. Then I grab all the beer cans, and go back for the medicine bottles. After everything is off the ground I grab the vacuum from the hall closet and plug it in. I take the sheets and pillows off the bed, and throw them in the hamper. I vacuum the floor, and make the bed. It is completely clean and it's missing something.
I run across the hall to mom's room to grab it. I go back to see mom in there. She's just staring and not really seeing what I’ve done. I move past her and I put his picture on the side of the bed. Leaning down and kissing it ever so slightly.
She's crying and I go to hug her.
"We are going to be okay mom."
"I know, baby girl, I know."
"We have each other, and I promise I will never leave you again."
"I love you."
"I love you too, Mom."
In that moment I know that we will be okay. We both realize that it is going to be hard, but at least we have each other. We can make it through no matter what jumps in our way.
    ~The End~