I stood over her hospital bed; the overtly clean smell was drowning me. I looked at her face, motionless. The heart monitor was consistent. I felt like it was hitting me with every dull tone. I reached for her hand. Its warmth helped me realize she was still mine even if it was just for now.
?“I love you,” I looked at her face; I could see the small lines where her face creased when she really laughed. It got harder to breathe the longer I looked at her. You could see the flip in her hair that she got from any amount of humidity. Her eyes were closed, but I could only see her face when she was alright, before it happened, the smile she gave me when her brown eyes didn’t look so dark, they looked like honey. I found myself looking at her and obsessing over every detail I had memorized in the past four years.
?“It’s time to go,” my mom opened the door. “We have to get home so I can get dinner started for your brother.” I looked at her in her work clothes, keys dangling from her fingers and phone in hand. It made me sick that she could look so fine, when everything around her was falling apart. To my mother emotions were unacceptable; you had to have a cold heart and She did so it was easy, I didn’t. I cared too much about everything. I think she did too and so she tried to pretend she didn’t care at all.
?“Mom, can I stay the night?” I tried that face Nathan always gave her, the one where he would look at her and beg with his eyes. “I will stay the night, I need to be here if she wakes up.” I could feel the lump in my throat growing and I knew I was going to cry and Kate would yell at me for doing it ‘don’t cry for me, don’t you dare cry for me’ ‘It’s not a big deal’. I hated her for that. She always managed to throw in something about her not being relevant even if she couldn't tell she was doing it. And every time I shrugged it off because I knew she would make me drop the conversation anyways. I could never just tell her she saved me and that she is one of the most important people to me, I couldn’t look her in the eyes and say I love you, because there was always something easier to say. There was always something else she would rather talk about. I wiped eyes before the tears could fall. My mom looked at me and I could see her eyebrows raise and felt the ridicule as she rolled her eyes and spoke.
?“No, now. You have no business staying in a hospital and for what? Your friend? You think she would be here if it was you in that-“
?“I’m not leaving her.” I felt my voice grow, and my hands were shaking from anger. “I will not, you will not take me away from her. This-,” I pointed to Katherine’s body, “this should be me damn it and you know that, you know it,” the words echoed in my head and I felt everything falling on top of  me, I should have been the one driving and I knew it. My shoulders caved and my entire body was shaking, I wanted to cry, I couldn’t. I felt hollow, I couldn’t breathe. I collapsed and finally my tears escaped. My mom reached to my shoulder to try and comfort me, I slid away from her. I wiped my tears just so more could fill their place on my cheeks, I could feel my mother staring at me.
?“I will stop by in the morning with some clean clothes,” she walked to the door, “let me know if I can get you anything. I love you,” she closed the door.?I grabbed my knees and sobbed silently. When my tears ran out I could feel my body shake sporadically with exhaustion from crying. My head was pounding, I stood and looked at her laying there. I knew I would rather it be me. All I had was a broken leg and new scars to cover the left side of my face. And Liz she was fine, small cuts on her arms but she was in the backseat. She was safe, thank God. I couldn’t remember what happened. I dreamt about it happening. I dreamt I was standing on the sidelines and I could hear Kate speaking to me, I wasn’t listening. My eyes were glued on the semi as it merged into our lane. I began to panic. I reached for the driver’s seat and my hand hit an empty pillow. And each time I would wake up hearing the heart monitor, reassuring me she was alright. After I woke up I looked at her, the monitor scared me because it had so much insight, it told me if she was mine still but worse was that it would be what told me if she left. I walked to the bathroom and I could hear the nurse coming, the same nurse from a week ago when I was laying in one of these beds. She's sweet her name is Madeline, she was pushing a cart and when she looked at me I felt the same pang of guilt I felt when I looked at Kate. I could feel everything crashing in on me when anyone looked at me now. She handed me a tray of food.
"Eat, she would want you too," she motioned to Kate, she was right of course Kate would want me too, but I can't. I nodded and set the tray on the couch where I slept. I went to the bathroom and washed off my face and finally gaining enough courage I looked in the mirror. I looked like hell, my eyes dark, and my face dreary. 'Stop being a baby, you need to stop worrying about me' I could hear her say to me even though she has yet to open her eyes. The nurse had left, I sat next to Kate I looked at her and already I began crying. Holding her hand I decided to talk, to tell her everything that I never could.
"I love you, please don't leave me," my voice cracked, "you're right, you've always been right, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was going to leave you and I'm sorry I never told you what I meant," my voice sounded monotone as spoke with tears flowing down my cheeks. "You saved me, I never told you, I'm sorry because you deserved to know, if I lose you I can't stay here, I won't because my source of life and laughter will have vanished and I can't look at anything that doesn't remind me of you." I looked at her face, where all the small hairs curled by her ears and the way they met her cheeks.her eyes the way they welcome almost everyone she meets, a deep brown, not so dark but just light enough to show she cared, she cared too much about too many things. Not that she would tell you that, but if you looked close enough, you could see it. She would always say that 'I don't care, it doesn't matter' but it did. It did matter she didn't want to inconvenience anyone, she would sit and speak words that tasted bitter if the sound of them pleased someone she loved solely because the one thing she didn't care enough about was herself. All this from her eyes.
I returned to my place on the couch and attempted to eat the fruit that nurse Madeline brought. It didn't taste like anything, and as I ate the hole in my stomach only grew. This wasn't something a nice plate of food could fix, I was learning that. I heard a knock at the door as it slowly opened. Liz walked in and I ran to her, as fast as someone with a cast can run. She smelled like home, and when she pulled me in for a bigger hug my body began trembling and I couldn't hold my balance. She sat and pulled me to her. She held me and all I could think of was the time at the beach. I closed my eyes to stop the tears, it didn't work as well as I hoped because I could still feel Liz wiping them off my cheeks.
We were all laughing, playing games. I had just won, beating Liz and as she looked at me she said 'I hate you', I love you too I would say with some smartass tone. She would roll her eyes. I always had her, except before it was different. Now she wouldn't confuse the word hate for love. She would stay silent as she wiped my tears and that alone would be enough for me. Because I was learning in this past week that words meant nothing because Kate sat silent and still I could feel her with me. I composed myself.
"Your mom called me, she said she'll be here soon," I could feel her pulling my hair back. "I want you to come with me to get lunch okay?"
"No I need to-"
"Eileen, you can't stay here, you know that." I wouldn't look at her. "This place is making you sick, it's taking you away too," finally I looked and her eyes were glistening and it made the blue look darker. "You'll be gone for an hour, besides she wouldn't want you moping around here and I think you know that." I looked at her because I knew she was right, Kate would tell me 'go leave me alone' she wouldn't mean it though. That was the thing, the reason. I couldn't leave because it meant too much. It meant that finally I listened to her, but not to something good. She wanted me to prove she wasn't worth it, that some part of her was replaceable. She wanted me to walk out because it would be easier for her. But then again that wasn't at all what she wanted. She wanted someone to stay by her side and be there for everything. 'I'm not emotional', she wasn't to anyone, but she was a liar. Kate would hold her poker face long enough for everyone to walk away. I always had this theory that once everyone left her that she fell apart. Liz jokingly slapped my shoulder knowing exactly what I was thinking. "Come on you should take a breather?" It sounded more like a question to me.
"Fine, not too long though," we waited for my Mother, who brought clothes and some snacks. When my mom left Liz and I walked to the lobby and I saw Kate's mom and dad sitting. Her mom looked slightly ill and her dad looked as if something inside could snap at any second. she glanced up momentarily. She saw me and got up quickly.
"Hey honey," her voice wasn't as smooth as normal, it was rough like it hurt her to speak.
"hey," I attempted to smile. "I'm going to get some food but I will be back." I looked at her, I could see Kate looking back at me through her mothers eyes.
"Take your time, she would want you to," I nodded and as we started walking away her mother turned back to me and pulled me in for a hug. She held me tight like my mom used to when I would get upset. She held me like somehow she could pull all the pieces back together. "I'm glad you're here," her voice was quiet, "she needs you with her." She still held me and I could feel my body start to shake, I cried and her mom pulled me off and wiped my tears. "She'll be okay." She kissed my forehead and Liz and I went out.
"Where to?" Liz tried cheering me up but the look on her face showed she had been crying an awful lot too.
"I don't care," going for lunch made me think of all the times we went after school. We would rush to the local shop that Kate made everyone try. And just like that it was our place, it was miles away but still it meant more to us to be together than where we decided to eat. I was worried that Liz would pick some place that made me think of Kate, since we always hung out, that place could be anywhere. We walked in silence to her car. When I got in I shuddered, I hadn't been in a car since the wreck. I didn't want to be there, because I could feel it all over again. Liz saw my face and her face begged me to stop.
"It's fine, you couldn't have stopped it. What happened was an accident and you know as well as I do that she wouldn't want you to do this to yourself," she looked ahead as she continued." You are best friends, you have been for a long time, you sitting here wanting to die because you can't talk to her is not what she wants. She wants you to be okay, she is strong, give her time okay?"
I was crying, and she started to back out. I couldn't speak, she was right, there was no words for me to help. Nothing could fix it. She drove me through the fast food restaurant down the block. I could hardly eat. I turned the radio on the silence was becoming unbearable. A song came on that Kate and I always listened to and I didn't cry. I thought of the time she sat in the back seat and so did I and she taught me how to dance. And how we both looked ridiculous but we did it together and that made it okay, and I could hear Liz laughing at us, but that didn't matter because we were too. I felt her put her hand on my shoulder. "It's alright."
We got back to the hospital and Kate's parent were gone, Liz grabbed my arm, my leg was throbbing this was the most I had done with the cast on. She rushed me to the elevators, she was thinking what I was too afraid to say. There were only two reasons her parents would be up here. The ding for the elevator to opened took what seemed like ten minutes and when the doors opened and they looked at me I swear I stopped breathing. I managed to get out of the elevator and I fell to the ground I felt hollow and everything was over my head, I couldn't hear anything. It took a minute before I began crying but once I could I couldn't stop. There were doctors rushing into her room and her mom ran to me.
"She's not gone yet," her eyes were red and puffy she pulled me in and I shook in her arms. I could feel her crying too. "Ten minutes ago her heart skipped a beat and the monitor went flat for 15 seconds before it came back they're running tests to see what happened, they're worried it could happen again and that it won't start up as fast." I cried and it felt like my tears were gone, it got worse though. Her dad walked over, he was crying, he kept wiping his eyes as each tear fell. He rubbed his hand on his wife's back and pulled us both in for a hug.
The doctor rushed out of her room, he explained that after her heart stopped momentarily she came out of her coma, but if it happened again it could be fatal. I ran towards her room past doctors trying to grab my arm to stop me. stumbling through the doorway I looked at her, to her eyes finally opening. I sighed, and began crying. She reached for me.
"Would you stop crying?" I felt her smirk. I sat on the ground next to the bed, holding her hand. "I heard everything you said, I love you too." I tried to speak, words couldn't come out. It was hurting to breathe and Kate looked at me and knew I was in pain. She yelled for the doctor. I couldn't hear much and I started getting dizzy. The room was spinning as I saw the doctor rush in, he put his hand to my head and my wrist to check my pulse. The room got incredibly hot and I couldn't see past the doctor. I felt weight as they carried me to the hall and placed me on the bed again. I saw Liz before they pushed me past her. They were running and I could see blurs of family members and nurses, patients and children as they pushed me to my own room. My eyes began to close and finally I got as I wished. It was me lying there, and Kate was alright.