It’s happening again. The streets are packed with people. My body is compressed to the people around me. Fires and smashed police cars fill the streets. I can’t find my husband, Ray. He’s somewhere lost into the crowd. I continue to look for him in the density of the crowd but I can’t seem to find him. When I finally see him, it doesn’t look good. His body goes limb after being thumped by countless men, and I can’t reach him. My feet are glued to the ground and my body is numb and paralyzed. I scream for help but nothing comes out. I’m stuck in the past and it haunts me every day. I’ve had this same nightmare for twenty three years and it is just as vivid as it was on that rainy spring night.
He went out that night knowing that this was a possibility but he wanted the riots to end. He wanted racism to end. After that, I couldn’t find him. Honestly, the police officers and media didn’t name the names of the colored men who were lost that night, so most likely his body was one of the unnamed. Much like in the dream, I am paralyzed in real life. My life is at a standstill and I cannot move forward. My life feels like a broken record and I can’t get myself to change. Charleston was supposed to be my move forward. In the beginning, it was. I got a job as a cleaning lady and I bought a small apartment in hopes of eventually going to school and getting a real job. Now all these years later, I am still at the same job and my days are exactly the same.
Moving to Charleston did give me the opportunity to meet Mary. She has been the biggest supporter in my life throughout my struggles to get over my husband. She is the only one who truly knows about my loss. We met through working for Ms. Landon. Her goal was to come here to follow her dreams as a teacher but was never able to accomplish her dreams because of her family. Her husband lost his job at the paper mill so she has been carrying the weight of her family’s finances and working two jobs since. We have managed to make it through the torturous job of cleaning toilets and washing floors because of each other. I wouldn’t have been able to get through those days without her. Although Mary is my best friend, I have never let her into my apartment nor have I let anyone else in. Every time we have plans to have dinner, I make an excuse to have it at her place. At this point, she probably thinks I am a hoarder or have some dark secret in there. She is right about one thing, I do have a secret. I don’t have any furniture except for the dining set Ray had bought the both of us as a wedding gift. I never bought furniture because I don’t like to be alone. Being alone in my apartment reminds me that I have no one at all and that people always leave so you shouldn’t get too comfortable.
Every day I make us both a cup of coffee so I can make sure our memory lasts. Although, I know he’s not coming back I want to make sure that his legacy lives on. I fill each one half way, drink one and leave the other one there for Ray until I come back from work. Although, I know he’s never coming back I want to make sure I never forget him. If I tell people about him or stop doing the things we used to do together I’m afraid I’ll lose what we had and our memories. Because of this, as I leave the house I make sure to make us each breakfast and get on my way to the bus station. I met Mary at the bus station like I do every day but this day seemed different. She hardly spoke a word to me. Usually, I can hardly get a word in at all. I don’t mind it though because I’m not much of a talker. Today was odd though, we both didn’t say a word to each other and we just looked out the window until we got to the house we were supposed to clean.
The homeowner was like most of them: rude, headless, and wealthy. Most of the time, Mary and I make jokes about these people when they say insolent remarks, but when I looked at Mary her face was red as if fumes were actually coming from her face. It didn’t take long before she actually blew.  As soon as the owner said anything about our work, Mary fell apart. She yelled “How dare you, I’m tired of working for ungracious people like you.”
The lady said “You might want to rethink your words, Miss. I’ll give you one chance to apologize, or you’re fired.”
“The hell with that!” Mary reacted. “I quit!”
I interfered “Ma’am, please, she doesn’t mean it. She is just having a bad day, don’t take it personal. She loves her job and we are thankful every day for it.”
“Mind your own damn business, Lucinda! I mean every word I said to this fool.” Mary stormed off.
“Well then, in that case, I quit too.” I spoke without thinking.
I cannot believe I just quit my job. I need this job I thought to myself. It’s the only thing I have. When I went outside to find Mary I saw her sitting on the steps. Both of her hands were squished upon her face but the anger did not fade.
“You didn’t have to do that, I didn’t ask you too.” She muttered. I didn’t say anything but Mary has that way of knowing what you are going to say.
“It’s cancer okay. I’m dying. Are you happy now? You quitting your job can’t help, okay!”
When I didn’t respond, she grew angrier. “Damn, Lu, it’s so like you to not say anything. I need you, okay? Okay?” She shouted.
Then it hit me. “What?” “You can’t. . .” I wasn’t able to complete my sentence before I realized I had burst into tears. Why am I crying? Get tough, Lu. She’s right. You need to stay strong for her. She didn’t say anything more. All she did was hug me and comfort me until I could process this. It’s so like Mary to take care of others when it’s her we should be worried about.
It wasn’t long before the cancer really took a toll on her and her family life. The doctors said it was terminal and they didn’t have the insurance for treatment so she and her husband decided to go without treatment at all. I know it was a tough decision but she didn’t let it affect her daily life, well at least until she couldn’t anymore. In the beginning, she made meals for her family and did house chores until she couldn’t any longer. Eventually, she grew so weak that these normal activities were hard for her. As the cancer became stronger she grew worse and worse. The worst was when Mary wasn’t Mary anymore. Whatever “it” was, was now a lifeless, breathing object in Mary’s body. Her family couldn’t handle it. Her husband found a job to try and provide but he couldn’t look at his wife the same. She wasn’t the same person. Her body was frail and shriveled and she wasn’t able to talk. Most of the time, her husband didn’t go into the room, it was too hard. Her children didn’t know how to take care of her and they truly wanted it to end, all of it.
Most of my days were spent at her house. Since her family couldn’t handle all of the pain emotionally, I decided to spend my time there. I would read her favorite books to her and make her favorite foods but it didn’t stop me from making the two cups of coffee. I believe, that’s what kept me calm through those days. Well until her last day that is. That day was the worst. It’s why I hate sunny days and why I hate that song that was playing on the radio in her room. I had just made the cups of coffee and when I entered the room I knew there was something different.
“Mary, your food is ready.” No response. “Mary! You have to wake up, please!” Silence fills the room and the cup drops from my hand, shattering onto the carpet. I drop to my knees, holding her hand until I feel the stillness of her body. It’s over. It’s really over.
I never thanked her for being there for me or for quitting that day. I would have never got out if she didn’t make a stand to that woman. Although, I would still take that job if it meant that I had Mary back. Because of that day I realized I need to finish my dreams and start new again. It’s because of that day that I realized I needed to change my life. I realize now that Charleston was never a beginning for me and it wasn't until the day I quit my job that I found that for myself. Now I recognize I want to go to school and accomplish my dreams of becoming a writer. Life is too short to go out with regrets.
It was sudden how it all happened. I will forever remember the day the coffee cup wasn’t just a coffee cup anymore. The winter air filled the streets. Eyes barely peeked out of the gaps between the pedestrians’ scarves and hats as they walked the city streets. It was months after her death and I finally started my classes. I have Mary to thank for all of this and I almost feel guilty about being here without her. I walked into the coffee shop and bought a cup of coffee as always and I sat down to work on my first day of school work. After Mary’s death I stopped making two cups of coffee. I realize now, I need to live in the present rather than in the past. Ray was a good part in my life but I need to move forward, which doesn’t mean I need to forget about what we had. It feels as if my life is coming together now. Well that was until, I heard “Lu?” come from someone in the café. I glance around, but I do not recognize anyone in the room. I must be hearing thing I tell myself and I continue to do my work until I hear it again. No one has called me Lu in a long time expect for Mary and Ray.., but it can’t be them because they are dead. It’s always when you think something good is happening in your life that something causes you to get back to reality. Nothing in life is set in stone. When I look up from my table I see a slender man standing beside me. He is in tears and then I recognize him. It’s him, it’s Ray. I have no idea how he’s here, but I’m so thankful. It feels like a dream and I am sure it’s Mary who did this.