Depression is not something that can easily be cured by going on vacation, or talking to a friend, or listening to your favorite song. Sure, these things can be helpful distractions, but they don’t solve any long term issues. Depression is similar to a feeling of being in the ocean, imagine you’re our father than you should be, you’re trying to swim back to shore but each time you get close, a wave comes and drags you back in. Eventually you just give up on trying to float and you let the waves pull you further and further into the dark, cold abyss.
Going from knowing nothing but happiness and simplicities to being slapped in the face with the harsh reality of life can really mess a person up. My normalcies and happiness included Piper therefore her death had a huge impact on me. Piper wasn’t only my favorite cousin, but my best friend. Piper committed suicide two months ago and since then, I’ve learned to feel the pain and sadness that she had felt in the time leading up to her death.
Piper had always had a tough life but when her dad died, she slowly began falling apart, she called less and didn’t talk much when we did speak. I could never feel the amount of pain she did but when I found out she died, I began distancing myself. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep, I didn’t speak for days. I skipped school, I stopped talking to my friends, I just stopped leaving my room altogether. I began a dangerous self-destructive spiral that I never believed I’d escape from. The pain I felt became overwhelming. Not having that one friend who I could always talk to was killing me. There were times when I’d call Piper’s phone, forgetting that she was dead, to try and talk only to end up in a panic attack because she was really gone.
My parents grew concerned. Six months after Piper died, they made the decision to send me to a shrink. I didn’t want to go; I didn’t need to tell some stranger my problems. Unfortunately, being younger than eighteen, it wasn’t my choice.
The woman my parents took me to see was named Buffy. I immediately thought of Buffy the Vampire Slayer but decided to keep my thoughts to myself.
“So, Lauren,” Buffy began, “it is my understanding that you’ve lost your cousin. Penelope, was it?”
“Piper. Her name was Piper,” I clarified. I felt that she was disrespecting Piper so I kept my tone clipped and curt.
“Ah, Piper, yes,” she smiled but I didn’t return the friendly gesture, rather held my gaze on the picture frame about two feet left of her head. “From what your parents have told me, you have isolated yourself from your family, friends, and you have only attended school for a few days a week? Your parents have been calling you in sick but this is technically truancy and it may affect things regarding your education in the future. I understand that you are grieving but sometimes throwing yourself into your studies can help with the process.”
            “Listen, Buffy,” I spat with disgust, “you don’t understand anything, I lost my best friend, the one person I trusted more than anyone else and I will never see her again. So if you think that I am going to spend an hour a week speaking to some stranger about my dead cousin, then you are really wrong,” I fumed. I could feel my eyes fill with tears as I remembered seeing Piper’s pale corpse at her funeral.
“Great. I think what you need is to attend these group meetings I run on Thursdays at 4:00 pm. I think they will really help you, Lauren,” she said with confidence.
            “What? I don't need that! I need to be left alone! I don't need to listen to more strangers talk about their feelings!” I screamed at her.
At this point my parents had heard my shouting and came in to stop me before something happened. My mother was cradling me in her arms as my father talked to Buffy about the about the group thing.
“You know we're going to make you go, right Lauren?” My mother whispered into my disheveled hair. I could tell she was only doing this because she loved me and wanted me to be happy again.
“Yeah, Mom,” I sniffled.
The next Thursday at 3:58 pm I walked into the large room consisting of about thirteen pale blue chairs, nine of which were filled with people I’d never seen before, one of which held Buffy, where I believed the meeting was to be held. I didn’t want to do this but I knew it would make my parents feel better so I made the decision to do it for them.
The other people here seemed just as torn up and emotionless as me. They must know what it feels like to feel absolutely nothing at all. We all understood what others interpreted as sadness; we understood depression, the feeling where you hurt so bad that you’ve become numb. I noticed scars on my peers’ arms and legs, wounds from the emotional war they’ve fought with themselves.
I had planned to just zone out during the whole meeting but my ears perked up when I heard Buffy say something intriguing. “Depression is not a feeling. Depression is a state of mind. Like any other state of mind, it can be changed. Depression starts off as a deep sadness usually caused by a traumatic event. Some people mask their depression with smiles, jokes, laughter, and false promises of being ‘fine’. Some people don’t even want to try and hide it. Antidepressants are available to try and solve it without actually addressing the underlying issues that caused the depression. Acknowledging the fact that you’re depressed is the first thing you should always do. Identifying what has made you depressed is second. Third, think of what or who makes you happy. If you feel that nothing makes you happy anymore, create your own happiness. Happiness is the cure to depression. Put yourself in a place that makes you happy, figuratively and literally. Surround yourself with what makes you happy and I guarantee that you will no longer be depressed.”
I never attended another meeting after that. I took Buffy’s advice and made my own happiness. I came to terms with the fact that Piper was dead and that she wouldn’t come back and I always kept a photo of the two of us hung up in my room. I started going to school regularly again and I talked to my parents about the whole thing. I graduated high school and got accepted to a good college in London and I started over. I created my own happiness.