It was three days after thanksgiving, about 5:00 pm. All that could be heard in the background were Renee and her mother fighting about anything and everything that they could possible think of, and Renee was on the verge of leaving. While walking to the door Renee stared into her mom’s blue eyes and said “You do not understand I can hang out with whoever I want to, and you cannot tell me that I cannot hang out with whoever I want. I am capable of making that decision by myself, if you must know.” With that, Renee slammed the door to her mom’s small two bedroom apartment.

Renee ran her hands through her black and red hair. After that Renee walked around the perimeter of the apartment, and then she walked over to her friend’s house to see what he is doing.

“Hey Renee what’s up?” asked Cliff absent-mindedly. He smiled his crooked smile.

“Nothing much, me and mom got into it again,” answered Renee.

“Oh really, what happened this time?” asked Cliff.

“Where do I start?” answered Renee.

“Try me,” answered Cliff.

“She wants to control the people I can and cannot hang out with, and I am really going to go nuts if you know what I mean,” answered Renee.

“Yeah I know what you mean, and I am sorry .I wish that there was something I could do to help,” answered Cliff.

“It is cool. Well, I better be going before mom has a fit,” answered Renee.

“Okay, see you soon.” answered Cliff.

“Bye,” answered Renee.

“Bye,” answered Cliff.

After she got her answer, she walked back home to see that the cops were at the front door.

“Are you Renee Bushman?” asked the police officer.

“Yeah is there a problem officer?” asked Renee.

“Well there really is no problem, but your mother called us and told us that you pushed her to the ground before you walked out the door,” answered the police officer.

“Well, to tell you the truth officer my mom was standing when I walked out the door. She also is a pathological liar, she cannot be trusted with the truth even if it bites her on the butt,” answered Renee.

“Well I can understand that but I am going to have to place you under arrest,” answered the police officer.

After Renee was placed in handcuffs her mother stepped out the door, looked at her and answered “I do love you but I cannot control your behavior anymore so this is in your best interest.” Renee just looked at her with eyes squinting, nose snarling.

It only took a few minutes and Renee found herself sitting in the backseat of a cop car with a flood of tears streaming down her face. She could not believe what had just happened and then she found herself being taken to the Juvenile detention Center and after that she found herself in a little cell that was no bigger than her room at her mom’s.

It only took a few weeks and several days in court but Renee was able to go home, but it was not her home that she was going to. She was on a journey to a place called the Roundhouse. This place was located in Champaign Illinois. It was a very nice place but it was not her home. She wanted to be HOME, to be in her bed, not to sleep where someone else had slept. But before she was able to go to bed, she was asked a lot of questions.

“What is your whole name?” asked James.

“Renee Carla Bushman,” answered Renee.

“What is your birthday?” asked James.

“January the 27^th of 1997,” answered Renee.

“Okay then next question: Do you cut?” asked James.

“No I do not cut,” answered Renee.

“Do you take any medication?” asked James.

“No I do not take any medication. How many more questions do we have left because I would like to go to bed?” asked Renee.

“Not much more, did you bring any clothes with you?” asked James.

“No because I was brought here straight from JDC,” answered Renee.

“Okay so we are going to have to call someone to bring you some clothes,” answered James.

“Okay, so what now?” asked Renee.

“I am going to put the papers up, and then I am going to show you your room,” answered James.

“That sounds good to me,” answered Renee.

“Okay, so you can have this room right here if you do not mind,” answered James.

“No I do not mind at all,” answered Renee.

“Do you have any questions?” asked James.

“Yeah, are there any other kids that live here?” asked Renee.

“Yes, but they are at school right now,” answered James.

Renee came to like staying at the Roundhouse but all good things must come to an end and that day happened when Renee went to court and the judge had made his decision to put Renee in DCFS care. When Renee heard that her heart dropped but there was nothing that Renee could do to change the mind of the judge and that day Renee’s life changed for the better.

“We find Carla Renee Kenner has an unfit home and the court finds that it is in the best interest of the minor if we place her in DCFS care instead of sending her back to the local Juvenile Detention Center,” answered the Judge.

“What does that mean?” asked Renee.

“He means that he feels that your mother is not giving you a safe place to live,” answered Renee’s lawyer.

“What do you mean by my mother is not giving me a safe place to live?” asked Renee, a little bit irritated by what her lawyer just said.

“What I mean by that  is right now you are in a lock -out case, and that means your mother has refused to let you come home when you  were able to come home so we are stuck in a predicament that none of us like,” answered Renee’s lawyer.

 Renee just sat there biting her lip while tears started to well up inside of her eyes as she listened to what the judge has to say. After the judge was done talking and after court was dismissed Renee ran to her mom and gave her a big hug.

“No matter what happens, you will always be my little girl,” answered Renee’s mom with tears rolling down her face.

“I know Mom, and no where they put me, I will always find my way home I just want to let you know,” answered Renee.

“I know baby girl, you have been that way ever since you were little,” answered her mother.

With that, Renee and her mother went separate places. Renee went with a DCFS caseworker and her mother went home.

“So where are we going now?” asked Renee.

“We are going to the DCFS office to find you a foster home, “said the DCFS caseworker.

“Okay then, what would happen after that?” asked Renee.

“You would have to go to the hospital…,” said the DCFS caseworker.

“The hospital!” exclaimed Renee.

“Yes the hospital, but if you would let me finish what I was saying, you would have to go to the hospital to get tested to see if you are okay ,then we would go back to the office and call around to find you a foster home ,” said the DCFS caseworker.

“Do I have to go to the hospital?” asked Renee.

“Yes, you have to go to the hospital. Everyone that gets placed in DCFS care has to go to the hospital,” said the DCFS caseworker.

“Umm okay then,” said Renee a little bit uneasy with the thought of going to hospital.

“What is the deal you not wanting to go to the hospital?” asked the DCFS caseworker.

“I just don’t like hospitals- never have, never will. Why do you have a problem with that?” said Renee.

“We are here,” said the caseworker.

Renee and the DCFs caseworker walked into the DCFS offices and went to the DCFS caseworker’s office, then took a seat and made some phone calls while Renee just sat there looking stupid.

“So am I just going to sit here and looking stupid?” asked Renee.

“No, after I make this phone call, we are going to the hospital ,but before that ,you can go with this person and see what books you want,” said the DCFs caseworker.

“Umm okay,” said Renee.

“So what kind of books do you like?”asked a lady with long brown hair that reached the middle of her back.

“I like romance books,”  said Renee.

“Okay so which backpack do you like?” asked the lady.

“The one on the right,” said Renee.

“You ready to go,” stated the DCFS caseworker.

“Where?” asked Renee.

“To the hospital,” said the caseworker.

“Oh great,” said Renee rolling her eyes.

On their way to the hospital, Renee thought “What if the nurse finds my cutting scars? How am I going to explain them to a total stranger? Yeah I get cutting is not a good thing, but it feels good to me.”

“What are you guys in here for today?” ask a cheerful lady with light brown hair that was put into a nice- sized bun that sat on top of her head.

“Just a check up,” said the DCFS caseworker.

“What does that mean?”  asked Renee with a million and one thoughts that raced around in her mind.

“It just means that we are going to check your ears, nose, and just ask you a few questions,” said the cheerful nurse.

With a sigh of relief Renee was grateful that it was just a normal check up and now no one would find out about her scars that lived underneath her pants.

After the trip to the hospital, they returned to the DCFS office, and a few calls were made to find Renee a foster home. Hours passed and Renee started to pass out in the chair she was sitting in. Many more hours have passed and Renee was wakened.

“Okay, we found you a foster home,” said the caseworker.

“Oh goody where is it at?” asked Renee.

“We are going to Paris Illinois,” said the DCFs caseworker.

“Where in the heck is that at?” asked Renee with a blank look on her face.

“Well, it is kind of hard to explain. You must go with the flow,” said the DCFS caseworker.

With that, they got into the car and drove to Paris, Illinois. It was not so long before Renee started to feel her eyes start to droop shut and within minutes Renee was asleep. She did not wake up until they were pulling into the driveway of her new foster family. It was a very big two – story house with brick that surrounded the home. As they walk inside Renee was mobbed by a big fluffy thing.

“What in God’s name just touched me?”  asked Renee with fear in her eyes.

 All her new foster mom could do was laugh and finally once she was done laughing she said “Well I guess you just met Zeek,” with a smile.

With that they chit- chatted for a little bit ,and then Renee took her stuff to the room she had to share with a nine- year- old girl.

Renee stayed with them for a month and 10 days. She started to like staying with them, but she had her up and down moment, but the sad thing is her foster parents thought a little bit different then she did. She realized when her foster mom told her to pack her stuff, because her caseworker was going to pick her up at 5:00 p.m. When 5:00 came around her DCFS caseworker pulled into the driveway, knocked on the door, walked in, and looked at Renee and said “You must be Renee. My name is Tracy Harriet, and I am going to be your DCFS cases worker. We can talk more in the car, but in the meantime let’s get your stuff in the car.”

 After they were finished loading the car they made their way to a McDonald’s and grabbed a bite to eat.

“Where are we going?” asked Renee.

“We are going to Decatur,” said Tracy Harriet.

“What is in Decatur?” ask Renee with a little bit of wonder in her voice.

“Well, you are going to a shelter,” said Tracy Harriet.

“No I am not,” said Renee.

“Yes you are,” said Tracy.

“You do not understand. I will kill myself you put me in that shelter,” said Renee.

All her DCFS caseworker could was just look at her.

“So you do not believe me? I will do I have done it before, and I will do that again, said earnestly.

After she said that, they pulled into the shelter.

 Then they got out of the car ,walked up to the door ,and knocked on the door ,and then one of the staff open the door and the two of them walked in and they introduced themselves and then they brought in the rest of her stuff inside.

“So can I take my stuff to my room?” asked Renee.

“No, it has to be checked in and we need to make sure you do not have any contraband,” said one of the staff.

With that Renee walked into the room, made the bed, and then sat on the bed. Then she reached into her pants pocket and pulled out a razor blade and played with it a few moments. She contemplated the outcome of her cutting her wrist. Many questions raced though her head . “Will anyone miss me if I was dead? Will would I go when I die?”

          Many minutes pasted and Renee finally got up the nerves to put the razor blade up against her skin. With that ,Renee pushed the razor blade into her skin a surge of pain hit her as she dragged, the blade a crossed her skin. After her wrist were cut ,Renee just looked at the blood that ran down her arm.

Many hours passed and the staff went to check on her. They found her on her bed passed out with the razor blade right next to her. Also, there was note that was right next to her.

Dear mom,

I am sorry for not being the best daughter that I could be. I am sorry that I put you and Allen though hell. I always tried to be a good daughter, but I never could be that person you wanted me to be. But I do love you, and please tell Allen that I love him and tell him that I will be looking down on him from wherever I am.

Love you

Your daughter Renee.