I sat there in the rain for what felt like hours. My arms were crossed and I was slouching. I had the hood of my sweatshirt up and you did too. You were a little smaller than I- Pint sized. Cars sped by and their lights created a colorful mist, I think it made you smile. She arrived nearly 30 minutes late and I helped you into your seat. The front seat was vacant but neither of us wanted to be sitting that close to her. She reeked of 10 dollar vodka and I questioned if she should be driving, but I knew better than to actually question her.
That was the first time she messed up. She did a lot of that: messing up. This time, though, it was unforgivable.
I stayed in my room most of the time and she barely bothered with me anymore. I was getting older and she knew I understood now. I understood what bad parenting was and she knew I would judge her. I was already judging her and I think that she knew it, which was why she didn't bother with me.
When I would come to the kitchen your stomach would be craving satisfaction but she was too incoherent to cook. Kids around the world were starving and I think you were one of them, so was I, I guess, I had just grown accustomed to it. I searched the cabinets for you but all I found was booze and ingredients that didn't complete a meal.
“Were hungry,” I would say.
“What?” She would reply.
“Can you make dinner?” I asked.
“We just ate.” She would reply. But we hadn't. I didn't drag on the conversation because it would just provoke her anger. You started to pant and she told you to shut up. You marched to your room, as if in protest, but she was deaf to your plead. She was a complete mess. She could barely remember who we were when she saw our faces and I had no explanation.
She would ask about him too and where he was but I never told her that he left years ago. She had broken my heart so many times but I could not bare to be the one breaking hers. I think I wanted someone to break it, just not me.
I came to you one evening, you were standing between the kitchen and the living room. You were a little more than pint sized now, you were the size that I was when we sat in the rain. I told you I was leaving and I guess that is when I messed up. You looked at me in desperation for me to take you but it was forbidden. I had to be on my way and you had to stay. Your heart became vacant of love and I wanted to fill that void but I knew that if I never left you, we would never have an actual home to come back to. Your eyes shifted to her and I saw your pupils darken.
You had grown so used to me taking care of you but now I had to take care of myself. You slowly reached out your hand and grabbed mine. The warmth of them was beginning to fade and your body became pale as the clouds.
“Stay.” You said. You were at a loss for words, but managed to let the whisper escape. Your hair had grown too long for your face but I saw your eyes. I saw the void in them as I felt the void in me.
“I’ll be back,” was all that I could say. You shook your head slowly and I felt your soft hand slightly tighten. Your lips were nearly clamped shut and I saw a tear escape your eyes and the next chased it to your lips. Your cheeks were puffy and I wanted to kiss them.
“Please,” you managed to mumble while trying to hold back the arising storm. Your eyes kept drifting back to her and your pupil size kept widening. I wanted to tell you that everything was going to be okay but I knew that it was not. I could not lie to you, I could, but you were older now. She and I knew you were going to start judging her and staying locked in your room just like I did at your age.
I said nothing, I wanted to but I could not look into your damp eyes and tell a lie. You let go of my hand and I tried to hug you but you resisted. You stepped backwards in protest and I just stared for a long second. I was waiting for you to cave-in and come close again. The air was still and so were you. You wiped a tear from your face and I told you that I loved you but you never replied. I stared at your lips waiting for movement. I love you, I said and not even an echo was returned. “Aden.” I said, as if you did not hear when I said that I loved you. You stroked a tear from your face and I tried to step closer but you pulled further away.
She was asleep then. I gazed around the room, turned around and walked towards her. I kissed her freckled cheek and stared at her tired face. Her body was limp and I covered it up. It was cold then. I walked to the door and put on my red coat. I looked back at you and you were in the same place, had not moved. You were staring at me and I knew you wanted to say something but you stayed silent. I put my hand on my suitcase and opened the door. I kept waiting for you, but you made no movement.
I sat in the driver’s seat of my rustic BMW and waited for you to run out the door. I waited there for at least 30 minutes, just like when you waited with me for her. But unlike her, you never came.