At that moment | Teen Ink

At that moment

September 15, 2014
By EttieGH GOLD, Mbabane, Other
EttieGH GOLD, Mbabane, Other
15 articles 2 photos 46 comments

She sat down on the top of the sand dune and faced the sky. She absorbed the wind rolling in from the ocean and the sound of the strong waves that weren't marred by the sound of humans or civilization. She burrowed her toes in the warm and soft sand.

She enjoyed her solitude. She didn't quite feel comfortable, knowing that someone could walk up there and destroy the bubble of peace around her, but, she tried to forget that all in the moment. She had to push that thought out of her mind, not wanting to let doubt ruin that moment.

She thought about herself, how she was just like any other teenage girl in the world, and how she wasn't. She also thought about how there, at that moment she was free. She was free from all anxieties and fears and pains, because, they couldn't touch her there. There she could ignore them and forget them.

She decided to respect the cultures in the world that honored nature as Beings, as Great Forces. She felt no judgements rolling in from the sea, no probing questions. Instead, she felt comfort. She understood that the people in her life who asked just wanted to show their love and interest, and yet, that wasn't what she wanted. She wanted solitude, space.

She smiled at the ocean.It made her feel complete. She looked up at the sky one last time and then stood up and turned to walk back down the sand dune to where she had come from. She braced herself for a moment then took one last deep breath and then let her bubble get shattered by people, reality.


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This article has 5 comments.


on Mar. 13 2015 at 3:59 pm
howitends BRONZE, Cleveland, Ohio
1 article 0 photos 8 comments
The description in this is quite beautiful! Aside from some grammatical issues and the lack of varying of sentence structure, this was nearly perfect! The message is great and it really does encourage you to think. I guess my one criticism would be to ensure that you keep the same level of language throughout--the language in the first paragraph is very sophisticated, but that seems to go away in the third. Just make sure not to use TOO simplistic of sentences that you lose the beauty of it. Anyway, I love the idea of this piece and I think you did a pretty spectacular job!

on Mar. 11 2015 at 9:28 pm
CNBono17 SILVER, Rural, South Carolina
5 articles 0 photos 248 comments

Favorite Quote:
Lego ergo sum (Latin—I read, therefore, I am)
The pen is mightier than the sword—unknown
Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity—1 Timothy 4:12

Barring the grammatical things aforementioned, this piece was thought-provoking with an excellent message. I like the idea of taking a step back from the insanity that is reality and human civilization, going back to the little things, and I think this piece does manage to convey that, giving a simple image for the reader to dwell on for an instant before, as you put it, the bubble is burst. I've been alone on a beach before; it really is peaceful, and does wonders for clearing your mind, assuming you're not hounded by seagulls looking for handouts:) The piece is excellent; well done!

Beila BRONZE said...
on Mar. 6 2015 at 1:07 am
Beila BRONZE, Palo Alto, California
3 articles 0 photos 516 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." -Mark Twain

I second Extraterrestrial that you definitely need to be careful about varying sentence structures and beginnings, especially when there's really one subject serving as the focus of the piece. Overall, I like the idea you tried to convey, but I think there was too much telling and not enough showing; you didn't leave anything to the imagination. I think you might have more artfully described her feelings or setting or behaviors such that the imagery would subtly convey the same meaningful message.

EttieGH GOLD said...
on Sep. 29 2014 at 9:38 am
EttieGH GOLD, Mbabane, Other
15 articles 2 photos 46 comments
Thanks! I'll definitely go over it again and fix it.

on Sep. 23 2014 at 3:01 pm
Extraterrestrial SILVER, Singapore, Other
9 articles 4 photos 66 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Do what I do. Hold tight and pretend it's a plan!"

This is a thoughtful little story. I like ones with good setting and atmosphere, and you've accomplished that wonderfully. There's a sense of quiet contemplation, and the contrast between fantasy and reality is nicely done. A couple of minor critiques: be careful that you don't start every sentence the same way. You started with "She..." every sentence, which gets repetitive for the reader. Give it a little more variety. Also, try to make your story flow better. For instance, it starts with the girl sitting on the sand dune, thinking about solitude and the freedom it brings, and then suddenly she's thinking about Great Forces? It's rather abrupt. I would say try to give it a little transition that leads to her current thought processes. It's nothing a little editing and read-over won't fix. Anyway, this piece works great as flash fiction. Short, but impacts the reader nevertheless.