I played with the top of the anti-depressant medicine. I couldn't escape from the monsters inside my head telling me to do it. Why not do it? Everyone hated me. The picture hit two million views in a matter of 24 hours. That was over three months ago. There wasn't a single person who hadn't seen it now.

I put the bottle down and rested my head on the bathroom sink. I’ve lost everyone. The only person left was Andrew, but the two of us couldn't fight this battle together, especially when this wasn't his battle to fight. I've listed the pros and cons to this a thousand times. If I go through with it then I don't have to deal with this anymore. The constant harassment, the hateful words, the shame of being who I am. On the other hand, my parents would be left without a daughter. My little brother, Nate, would be left without an older sister to help guide him through this crazy thing called life.

I thought about my nightmare, the one thing that I could never get out of my head. Every single night it was the same thing. Nate would walk into my room to find me lifeless on my floor, a bottle of pills in one hand and a note in the other. Most nights I wake up in a cold sweat trying not to scream. The constant image of that replaying in your head was enough to make anyone go mad.

I slowly untwisted the cap and dumped the pills into my hand. There was about thirty left, enough to knock me out for a very long time.

“Our father,” I began as I took one pill at a time, “who art in heaven.” I started crying when I realized what I was doing. “Hallowed be Thy Name.” One by one I made my way to the end. I wiped my face and stumbled my way into my room to pull out the note I wrote in case I ever decided to go through with it. I laid down in my bed and held the note to my chest. My phone buzzed on the nightstand next to me. My sight was getting blurry, but I could make out Andrew’s name on the screen when I picked it up.

“Hello?”

“Are you doing any better today?” he asked his voice nervous. He was afraid of what I was going to say. He didn’t want to lose me as much as I didn’t want to lose him.

I needed to word this in the right way. “Andrew, this is the last time we’re going to talk,” I whispered biting my lip trying not to cry. “I just swallowed 30 pills.”

The line went silent.

“Don’t do this to me, Sarah."

"I'm not trying to hurt you, Andrew." I was biting my lip so hard now I started to taste blood. He was the only person who stayed with me the entire time, and this is how I repay him?

"You’re stronger than those people, Sarah. They don’t even know you!” he yelled into the phone. He cared about me.

“What about the people who do know me? They’ve all seen the picture, too, Andrew. My life was over a long time ago, even before I took the pills. I’m sorry, Andrew.” I hung up the phone before he could object any more. I couldn’t listen to his protest right now. In some ways it hurt more than the messages. I rested my head back onto my pillow and started tearing up. I couldn’t do this anymore. Tears started flowing down my face. It was just one photo. I didn’t mean any harm from it. It was a stupid mistake. Why did I do this to myself?

“Sissy, why are you crying?” I looked over to see Nate standing in my doorway. I halfway smiled and sat up holding my arms out to him.

“I’m afraid that you don’t love me anymore,” I whispered. He walked up to me and sat on my lap.

“I love you, Sarah, a lot.” He looked up at me with those big eyes and I kissed his forehead.

“That means the world to me, Nate.” I hugged him one last time taking everything in.

“What’s that?” he asked pointing to my note.

“Oh, nothing,” I responded pushing it away from me. “Go back to your room now,” I whispered putting him down. “I have to take a nap.”

"Ew! I hate naps!” I halfway smiled. I was going to miss this part of my brother: the innocent, naive part. The part we lose one way or another when we grow up due to all the hate in the world.

“This is a different kind of nap,” I explained. “You go to a magical place if you stay asleep long enough.”

His eyes widened in disbelief. “Really?” he asked.

“Yeah.” I did my best not to start crying in front of him again. “You have to wait a really long time to take this kind of nap, though. Most people don’t get it until they’re older than grandma, but I was chosen to get it earlier. I don't know why, but I was. I have to go to sleep now. Go to your room.” I pushed on his back to force him towards the door. My head was spinning and I didn’t want him to witness this.

After he was gone, I grabbed my note and laid back down, and I closed my eyes for the last time.


Or so I thought.


I heard the slow but steady beat of my heart connected to some sort of machine and parents talking to someone. I kept my eyes shut as I listened to their conversation.

“She’s lucky that her friend called.”

I could hear my mother crying over me, something she's had to do one too many times in the past few months. “They were only a few messages. How could they do this to her?”

“It’s a cruel thing, Mrs. Devine, but we’re trying to figure how it all started. A lot of students don’t realize what they’re doing can seriously hurt someone. We’re going to do all that we can, but because it was online it’s hard to find everyone involved.”

"They were only words," my dad muttered.
If only they were 'only words'.