I closed my eyes and held her frost like hand in mine. Selfishly I diverted my eyes so I didn’t have to feel the pain. I could hear the dynamic of her breathing heighten and soften at a regular pace. We sat in silence. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I could feel her eyes burning through the top of my head. I just couldn’t look up. I stared at the floor tiles as if they were about to do a spectacular trick. I knew she knew what I was doing. I was doing what I did best, avoiding the problem. It always worked out because I would have more time. There would always be more time to go back and fix what needed to be fixed. Without thinking I tightened my grasp on her hands because I knew the worst part; this was the time where I went back to fix things. But I was a coward and couldn’t face it.

She was facing so much and I couldn’t even talk to her. What kind of person was I? I released her hand and became enraged with myself. How could I waste one of the most precious things she had left? How could I make this about me, I always seemed to make things about myself. Pushing whatever it was holding me back aside, I slowly lifted my head. As I stared into her sea like eyes, I saw her youth radiate brighter then the sun. With her sunken in cheeks and tired eyes, she cracked a smile which was more beautiful in that moment then I had ever remembered. I wanted it to stay like that forever. Even if forever was only an hour. I didn’t want her to move. I wanted to remember that moment for the rest of my life. I felt tears running down my cheeks.

“Don’t cry muffin.”She whispered. “There is nothing to be upset about. We have been preparing for a long time. We have been preparing for these next moments.”

I nodded not able to say anything. She cracked another smile and continued, “I don’t want this to be about me.” I looked at her wondering how she could say that. It needed to be about her. I couldn’t waste this precious time on me. I shook my head no. But she gave me “the look”. “Tell me Muffin, what did you end up writing your paper on for Miss Tily’s class?”

I didn’t want to talk about a stupid paper. I wanted to just sit there and hold her. As she stared and waited for me to respond my mind went blank. Then suddenly I was overwhelmed and said, “I took option C ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ I had answered how we discussed. I put down I was going to be a Dietitian because it felt like it was my destiny. I wanted to return all the help I was given through my diagnosis to people who needed it, because I was in their shoes once. But as I watched you watch me I changed my mind. I don’t want to be a Dietitian when I grow up.”

A concerned look fell over her face, “Muffin, we have everything planned out. All the paper work is done. You’ve been accepted into Kent’s Dietetics Program. You’ll be starting in the fall.”

This time I stared at my mom with “the look.”
“Alright then, enlighten me. What do you want to be when you grow up?”

I gave a weak smile as all the pain and fear rolled down and off my face. “I want to be someone’s reason to smile before they go to bed and when they wake up in the morning. I want to be strong and independent. I want people to mistaken the glow off my face for the sunshine’s rays. I want to be happy.”

“Muffin….”

I struggled to get out the words, “Mom, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the past few months. I screwed up and screwed you over in the process. I don’t know what I was thinking. I couldn’t cope. I was selfish. I have been so selfish, that selfish isn’t even a strong enough word to describe it. You needed me and I wasn’t there. And now, I don’t know what I’m going to do….” This time my words trailed off.

Without hesitation my mom used all her strength and held me in her arms. “My sweet, sweet, Muffin, I know what you’re going to do. You’re going to be happy because you already are all those things. You’re my reason for holding on this long. When I look at you I forget about everything in the world. I go back to the very first time I saw you smile. That was one of the proudest moments of my life. And don’t ever think you aren’t strong. YOU are my strength. And I will always be yours. As the sun sets and the sun rises, that’ll be me, watching over you. When you feel like life has knocked you down so hard that you can’t get up, think of me, I’ll be there to carry you. You are my everything and you always will be.”

I held her and just before forever was over I whispered, “I love you Mom. You too are my everything.”