The Train Leaves at 8


“Vanessa.. it’s me Sam.. I um.. I didn’t know who else to call, but I’m not sure I can do this anymore. I love you. Goodbye.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~3 DAYS EARLIER~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I open the tall metal doors that lead to the dimly lit hallways. I flash a forced smile to a few of my friends, quickly scurrying to get to my first period class. I’m already running late, and if Mrs. Connors catches me one more time, she’ll flip on me. Yet another thing thrown onto the pile of stress that I call my life. I always found it funny. How people say, that’s life. What’s life? Stress? Pain? Struggle? If that’s life, then I don’t want anything to do with it. I’m snapped out of my thoughts. Literally. My best friend Anna is snapping in my face, seeming desperate for my attention. She glances at Connors to make sure she’s not looking over at us, then leans forward and whispers, “Hey, Jake’s having a party on Friday, he wants to know if we’re in.” I internally groan, but yet again, I force a smile and nod my head, “Yeah, sure.” I turn around and stare out the window, pondering the thought of happiness. Is anyone really, happy? With all the pressure to fit in, do good, try hard, be smart, are we really, truly happy? Sure, we can all act like we’re okay. We can act completely normal, pretend that we’re feeling perfectly fine. But, really, we feel as if we’re rotting from the inside out. The bell rings loudly, startling me, as I grab my books and drag myself to second period.
The day goes by surprisingly fast, right until lunch. Lunch is the worst part of the day for me. It’s not that I don’t have friends, I’m quite social actually, It’s just I feel constantly judged by my peers. It’s like everyone is just sitting there, judging me, talking about me. I always think, Is my hair ok? Is there something wrong with my shirt? Is there something on my face? I plop down at my table, and wait for my friends to get here. Someone comes up behind me, and hugs me by the waist. I grin from ear to ear. “Hey Drew,” I give him a kiss on the cheek, and he sits next to me. Drew is pretty much the only one that makes me feel valuable these days. “So, how’s your day been beautiful?” He inquires, rubbing his thumb into my hand. I shrug, then respond, “Pretty good, I guess. How about you?” “Same here. Did you hear about Jake’s party on Friday?” My stomach sinks. I’m dreading that party. With all the homework and tests I have to finish and study for, my brain is going to explode. “Yeah, Anna told me about it.” “Are you gonna go?” “Yeah, I think so. I don’t want to, but I’ll probably end up going.” He looks puzzled. “Why don’t you want to go? You love parties!” “I’m just under a lot of pressure, that’s all,” I shrug, and look down. He rubs up and down my arm. “It’ll be good to get your mind off of things.” I nod my head and slightly smile.
The end of the day finally approaches. I dig around in my bag, trying to find my keys. I feel the little surf board keychain and pull it out. My feet lead me over to my car as I check my Instagram and Twitter. I unlock the door, slide into the drivers seat, and begin my ride home. Call from Vanessa, press U Connect phone button to answer. I press down on the answer button and I’m greeted by an excited little sister. “Sam! Guess What came in the mail?” My mind instantly tries to come up with what it could be. “The new Jcrew catalogue?” “Really Sam? Who would be this excited over a catalogue?” “I would,” I laugh then reply, “Just tell me Nessa.” “Okay okay it’s….. A letter from Stanford for a Miss Sam Callahan!” My heart stops. Stanford is my dream school, and although I’m fairly confident I got in, I’m being careful not to get my hopes up. It’s scary to think how much I rely on a simple document to keep me going. I mean, if I don’t get in.. No, I can’t think like that. “Gosh, I’m so nervous, yet eager at the same time. I’m pulling in now, see you in a sec.” I press end, and get out of the car. I sprint up the pathway, and rip open the door. “Where is it V!” “On the counter!” She yells from upstairs. Then I see it. The neat, white little envelope. The envelope that holds my future inside it. The envelope that either validates my hard work or says it’s not enough. The envelope that determines whether it’s worth it. Whether, I’m worth it. I pick it up, and run my fingers around the edges, trying to stall the opening of it. All it takes a second, for my world to come crashing down. Sliding my fingers under part of the opening, I carefully lift up the flap, and pull out the document. I take a deep breath, unfold the letter, and begin to read. Miss Samantha Callahan, We are humbled by your talents and achievements and by the commitment that you demonstrated in all of your academic and extracurricular endeavors, however we regret to inform you that we will not be able to accept you into the 2014 Freshman Class. We appreciate the thoughtfulness and care that went into your application, and want to assure you that your candidacy received thorough and serious consideration. I feel my heart in my throat. I fall to the floor, curling up into a ball. Letting out a loud sob, I begin to break down.
Darting up the stairs, I slam my door and collapse on my bed. My chest is heaving uncontrollably, my heart thumping like a hammer on cloth. I reach under my mattress for my diary and pen, needing to write down all my feelings.

January 14th, 2014


Dear Diary,



My worst nightmare just came true. My letter from Stanford came in the mail, delivering me a message of unbelievable sorrow. I don’t understand how this could be happening to me. I worked so hard for this. All my hopes, goals, dreams. Gone. Finished. Done. Everything I ever hoped to accomplish is now unreachable, impossible, and incredibly unrealistic. I expected college to be an outlet. A way for me to escape the horrors of high school, and finally be the me I can’t seem to be anymore. High school has made me into this big ball of sadness and depression. Things were supposed to be different. Now, I’ll be forever stuck in this small town, with nothing to do, nothing to live for. I can’t even believe this. I’m so confused and shocked and depressed and frazzled and a million other things, but if I were to list them all I’d be writing for 3 days straight. I really don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m hoping I can go to sleep and not wake up. Ever.









With Love,
`









Sam


My breathing gradually goes back to normal. I put my diary and pen back under my mattress, then I get changed into my pajamas, and try to go to sleep. Right as I’m about to doze off, my mom knocks on the door and opens it. “Sammy? I’m so sorry sweetheart.” She sits on my bed, as I hug her and start to sob all over again. I don’t think this day could get any worse than it’s been.


I try to talk my parents into letting me stay home, but they practically haul me into my car and ship me off to school. I can’t even get through my first period class without breaking down in tears. I’m usually good at keeping my guard up and putting the smile on when people are watching, but it’s too hard for me to do that right now. Anna instantly realizes something’s wrong. She taps me on the shoulder, a concerned look spread across her face, “What’s wrong Sam? Clearly you’re not yourself today...” And for some reason, that sets me off. “Gee An, did it ever cross your mind that maybe this is how I really am? Maybe I’m not the perfect, exultant and jubilant girl that everyone thinks I am! Maybe it’s all just an act and no one knows the real me at all! I am so sick of pretending I’m okay! I go through things just like everyone else, my life isn’t perfect! Am I not allowed to be upset Anna? I’m so over this, I’m done, I AM LEAVING!” I look around the classroom. Everyone is staring at me, with their jaws dropped to the floor. Anna is shocked, and looks like she’s about to cry. I pick up my things, and storm out of the classroom. I can’t believe what I’ve just done. I can’t help but feel somewhat satisfied that I finally let it go. But, I also feel bad for going off on Anna like that. She’s been my best friend for as long as I can remember, and it was wrong of me to embarrass her like that. I walk out the doors towards the upper lot, wiping the tears that drop from my eyes with the back of my hand. The car starts up, and I race home, desperate to curl up in my bed. The second I get there, I lock the front door and run up to my room. I stick my hand under my mattress to get my diary. I write an entry, before I try to doze off.
January 15, 2014
Dear Diary,
Today, I let go. I released all the built up anger and sadness inside me. But, at the same time I embarrassed myself in front of everyone, as well as Anna. The thing is, nobody understands me. Everyone thinks of me as the sweet girl who could never feel sorrow or pain. Everyone gets sad! I don’t know a single person who is bubbly all the time. How can they all sit there and judge me when they don’t even know me? They don’t know what I’ve been through, they don’t know the stress I deal with, or the anxiety and depression that runs through my veins on a daily basis. I’m just sick of all of this. Constantly, I think about what life would be like if I would just disappear. Who would miss me? Who would be glad I was gone? Would I regret it? Sure, my parents would miss me. And of course Anna and Drew. But the one person that always stops me from doing it is Vanessa. She’d be a wreck. She wouldn’t be able to function, and I can’t let that happen to her. But honestly, right now, all I can think about is the positives of it all. I’ll be rid of the misery and the agony. I’ll be able to do whatever I want. I’ll be free. And for the first time in a while, I’ll be happy.




With some love, but mostly sadness,







Sam.

I wake up to the sound of my Justin Bieber ringtone, shaking my head groggily. I reach for my phone and rub my eyes. Four missed calls from Drew, eight from Anna, twelve texts from Vanessa. I stand up and start to call them back. It rings once, before a concerned Drew says, “Sam, hello? It’s Drew! What’s the matter?” I bite my lip , pacing back and forth desperately trying to think of what to say. “Uh.. Nothing?” “Sam please. I know you better than to believe you told off your best friend in front of your entire English class over nothing.” “Look Drew, I appreciate your concern but I’m not ready to talk, so stop calling,” and with that, I press the red end button. And fall back onto my bed, a feeling of despair and anger washing over me. After that call, I don’t even bother to call Anna. I simply send her a text that reads, I’m sorry for exploding on you like that. Talk later. I put on my fuzzy slippers and walk into Vanessa’s room. When she sees me, she jumps up and hugs me. I try to keep it together, but I just crack. I cry harder than I’ve ever cried before. She sits me down and rubs my back trying to comfort me. “Why me Vanessa? Everything was supposed to w-work out for once,” I choke out trying to catch my breath. She whispers, “Shh. It’s okay Sammy. Calm down, everything’s going to be fine.” I pull away from her still sobbing, “No it’s not! What is there left for me to live for?” I run down the stairs, grabbing my keys and jacket off the counter and slipping on my moccasins. “Sam wait!” I hear her call as I walk out to the car, closing the glass door behind me.

I don’t really know where I’m driving to, to be honest. All I know is I need to get out of here, and fast. I pull out of the driveway, trying to think of where to go. Then it comes to me. I’ll go down to Cape May. That’s one of the places where I feel utmost euphoria. I begin the drive down there, and even though it’s 3 hours, I don’t mind. It gives me time to think. I keep getting calls from my parents, Anna and Drew, but I ignore them. I don’t want to talk to anyone, and I certainly don’t want to hear what they have to say about it. About two hours in, I pull over at a Starbucks drive thru, and order a chai latte. While I’m waiting, I plug in my phone and put some music on shuffle. If I Die Young comes on. Ironic I think to myself. I turn out of the Starbucks, continuing my ride. I wonder what it’s like. To die. Is it scary? Does it hurt? I try to shake the thoughts out of my head, but there’s even more now. All I can think about is death. You’ve suffered enough Sam. It’s time to take matters into your own hands. No, that’s never the answer. Things get better. No they don’t, you’ll always be miserable if you don’t do this. Do it, don’t. Don’t, do it! I scream out in desperation. It’s overwhelming my brain, and I can do absolutely nothing about it.
After what seems like forever, I see it. Cape May, exit zero. I grin, immediately feeling relief all throughout my body. I drive through the town, heading straight towards the beach. There’s a ton of spots, so I park right in front. I put on my jacket, get out of the car and walk up the concrete stairs towards the water. I feel some sand seep it’s way into my shoes, and I smile, looking over the water. If I could stay here forever, I’d be the happiest person on the planet. I take a blanket out of my bag and lay it down on the sand. It’s a beautiful day today. The weather just warm enough to make it comfortable to sit there for a while. For a moment, I almost forget about how much misery I’m feeling. Almost. But yet again, it finds a way to seep back into my mind. I lay down for a moment, breathing in the salty sea air. It takes me back to the times when my whole family would come here. Vanessa and I’d rent bikes from Shields, and ride up to The Fudge Kitchen. She’d get plain old chocolate, but I always had a love for the mint chocolate chip. Then we’d go next door to the arcade and try to get enough tickets to win the electric barbie scooter, that probably didn’t even work. My favorite part had been the beach though. I’ve always had a love for the ocean. Even if it was pouring rain, I’d be ready to go for a swim. Those were the days. I check my phone to see what time it is. 3:30. I have maybe a half hour to kill, so I get back to the car, and drive up to The Ugly Mug, my favorite restaurant in existence. Walking in, I’m welcomed right away by a friendly face. “Jane!” I give her a huge hug. She always had the best hugs. “How’s it going sweetheart? Wait a second what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at school missy?” She scolds, trying to keep a serious face. I laugh then say, “I was just feeling a bit down today. Cape May seems to make me happier than anything else.” “Well I’m glad you’re here Sam. So, you want the usual?” “Yeah, I guess so. Thanks Jane,” I smile at her as she walks away. After I finish eating, I head to my car, to begin the dreaded drive home. But before I go, I take a picture of the beach, wanting to remember this moment.
I pull into the driveway at around 7, and I brace myself for the yelling session I’m about to get from my parents. Surprisingly, their car isn’t there, but someone elses is. Drew’s? What’s he doing here? I think curiously. As I get inside I see Drew sitting on the couch. “Sam. We need to talk,” he says with a serious expression across his face. For a moment I’m nervous about what he’s going to say, but I keep my composure and sit down. “About?” “Look, I don’t know what’s up with you, or why you’re acting the way you are. I’ve never seen you like this. I’ve been trying to reach you since 7:00 this morning. And you just blatantly ignore my calls? I’m bewildered and disappointed Sam.” His words shock me, making me feel ten times worse than I already did. “Drew, look I’m sorry for ignoring you. I just am going through a lot right now.” “Really? What are you going through that’s so bad? Why is everything always about you Sam!” “Drew I don’t want to talk about-” His eyes shift from sadness to frustration. I can see the anger pulsing through his veins, as he shouts with rage, “Either you tell me or I’ll-” “You’ll what? I’m not scared of you Drew. You’re all talk!” I snap at him. Hearing that sets him off. He slaps me right in the face, leaving a stinging red hand print on my left cheek. I fight back the tears. “Drew-” “Oh my gosh I’m so sorry Sammy I didn’t mean-” “Get out of my house. We’re over.” “Sam no I’m-” “I said, GET OUT!” He tries to fight back, but he gives up and walks out. “Whatever, you were lucky to have me. Hopefully can find a new girl who isn’t an uptight, selfish snob,” he calls as he walks out the door. I slam the door shut and run upstairs. I see Vanessa standing in the hallway, her hand covered over her mouth, a frightened look on her face. “Oh my god Sam. I’m calling the cops I can’t believe he put his hands on you,” she says giving me a huge hug. “No don’t call the cops. Vanessa, you can’t tell anyone about this. Not even mom or dad,” I state, as salty tears splatter onto my shirt. “Why not Sam he hit you! He should pay for-!” “You have to promise you won’t tell,” I plead, cutting her off, desperation in my eyes. She signs then nods her head, “Alright.” I then walk to my room and close the door. I lay down on my bed clutching my burning cheek, and cry myself to sleep.
I wake up abruptly. I look at my alarm clock and it reads 6:45PM. I guess my parents let me stay home from school. That doesn’t even matter to me. All I can think about is the breakup. It’s the last straw for me. I decide to write one last entry in my diary.
January 17th, 2014
Dear Diary,
I cannot do this anymore. I’m so sick to my stomach over the fact that someone I trusted with my life, hurt me both physically and emotionally. That’s what I get for letting someone in. I guess I can’t trust anyone anymore. Today is the day I’m going to do it. I can’t stand being on this earth any longer. All I am to people is a doormat. They walk all over me, and just expect me to be okay with it. No one cares about me, and can I blame them? I mean look at me. I’m worthless. I mean nothing to anyone, absolutely nothing. To whoever finds this note, I’m deeply sorry. Mom, if it’s you, I’m so sorry. To have your little girl leave you, is going to be hard. It is not your fault. Do not feel responsible for what I am going to do. You were always my biggest supporter and I knew I could always count on you. Dad, if you find this, keep in mind I’ll always be a Daddy’s Girl. I’ve been so close to you since the day I was born. I’ll treasure our Daddy and me weekends for all eternity. Take care of Mommy and Nessa for me. Anna, if it’s you who finds it, just know I will always consider you the other sister I never had. We’ve been friends since diapers, and you’ll always be the Annabanana to my SamBam. Lastly, Vanessa. My fourteen year old baby sister. If it’s you who finds it, I will be devastated. You are the one reason I’ve stopped myself from doing this in the past. You know more about me than anyone else on this planet. I can always trust you, and I will cherish all the fun times we had. I want you to stay strong for me. I need you to know this is my decision. Do not feel any responsibility for what I am choosing to do to myself. I love you forever and always.






With Love,



Samantha, Sam, Sammy, SamBam Callahan

I rip the page out of my diary and leave it draped on my bed. I walk out of my room, and down the stairs. Just as I’m about to exit the house, my Mom calls after me, “Sam, where are you going?” I panic thinking of something to say. “Oh, I’m meeting Anna at Jake Thompson’s party.” “Okay, have fun,” She calls after me. I sigh, relieved that she bought that. I decide that I’m going to walk to the train station. Just so
I can take my time and enjoy my last few moments on this earth. There’s a train passing through at eight, and that’s when I’m going to do it. I’m going to put myself out of my misery, and be free of all the stress. In heaven, I won’t have to worry about not getting into Stanford. I won’t have to worry about my peers judging me. The only thing I have to focus on is being me. Not the lonely, outspoken teen. The real me. The silly, outgoing, fun-loving Sam. That’s who I need to be. I glance at the time on my phone.
It’s 7:40. The train station is about 15 minutes away on foot, so I begin walking.


VANESSA’S POV

“Sam, come in here!” I call from my room. I need to talk to her about what happened with Drew. I can’t keep it a secret anymore. What he did was horrendous, and he needs to be punished. “Sam?” I get out of my bed and walk into her room. To my surprise, I find it empty. Then I notice a pink piece of paper in the center of her bed. I skim through it and gasp loudly. Today is the day I’m going to do it… Vanessa if it’s you who finds it, I’ll be devastated… It’s not your fault. I begin to bawl, not knowing where she was going or what she was going to do to herself. Suddenly, I feel my phone buzz in my pocket. 1 Missed Call and Voicemail from Sam. I click on the voicemail. “Vanessa.. it’s me Sam.. I um.. I didn’t know who else to call, but I can’t do this anymore. I love you. Goodbye.” I sob loudly, desperate to stop her. Then it hits me. I heard trains in the background. She’s at the train station! It takes five minutes to get there, but that’s in a car. I make a rash decision, and run downstairs, grab the keys off the counter, and sprint out to the car. I get in, and make my way towards the train station.


SAM’S POV

My watch reads 7:56. The train will be here soon Sam. It’s time to say goodbye Sam. My mind is a blur of fear and sadness, my heart beating loud and fast like a snare drum. I don’t know if I really want to do this, but I feel like it’s what I need to do for myself. 7:58. I can hear the train. It’ll be here any minute. I walk my way over to the tracks. Standing right in the middle of them, I take a deep breath and wait. I can see the train now. It’s loud and big. It’s getting close, really close. It’s about to hit me, then all of a sudden I hear a loud scream. “SAM NO!” I’m then pushed out of the way by none other than my sister. “VANESSA!” I let out a booming wail, as the rest of the train passes by. I curl up in a ball and cry on the side of the tracks. I pick up my phone shakily, dialing my mom’s number. “Mom, Vanessa’s dead. SHE’S DEAD MOM! IT’S ALL MY FAULT,” I weep. I hear her gasp, then she starts to cry as well. “Where are you Sam?” she tries to choke out. “At.. at the train s-t-t-at-t-tion.” “I’m coming now do not leave Samantha.” she warns firmly. I press end, and lay there, waiting. Waiting for my mom to come, waiting for this all to sink in, waiting for Vanessa to walk back over here and give me a huge hug, telling me everything will be alright.



2 DAYS LATER

I sit in the back seat of my parent’s car, more depressed than ever. I miss her. I miss her more than I’ve ever missed someone before. If I hadn’t been so stupid, she wouldn’t have came to the train station. She wouldn’t be dead. She’d be sitting right next to me, laughing at something stupid, like we always used to. I can’t do that anymore. I’m more alone than ever. It should’ve been me instead of her. She had her entire life ahead of her. And it’s all my fault that it ended. I press the palms of my hands into my eyes, inducing inky blackness. The positive vibe I would feel from being in Cape May is long gone. Even though I suggested having her funeral here, nothing feels the same. It will never feel the same. I brought a picture of her. I also brought a balloon. I wrote her a note. I tell my parents to pull over at the beach. Once they’ve parked, I get out of the car. I walk up to the shoreline, and tie the picture and my note to the balloon. I say a little prayer for her, before I let go of it. Vanessa, I miss you so much. I hope that heaven is great, but I really wish you were here with me instead. I know it’s my fault you’re gone, but I’m praying that you’ll forgive me. I promise I’ll stay strong for you. Have fun up there, beautiful angel. I shut my eyes, inhale deeply, then release. I watch it float up into the distance, free to go wherever the wind blows it. I sit down, not caring about getting sand on my dress. The sun’s rays shine brightly in my eyes. I know, that she’s with me right at this very second. She’ll always be there for me. So.. I put on my sunglasses, look out over the ocean, and my life is never the same again.