“I before E, except after C, or when sounding like ay as in neighbor or weigh, and on weekends, and holidays, and all throughout May.” It used to be so simple. Then, the national public realized there were exceptions. A lot of exceptions. You can notice these exceptions when painting your walls beige, when watching the 2008 Beijing Summer Olympics, or when viewing the CNN news ticker and observing the innumerable bankruptcies among companies. Who came up with this rule? She’s since passed away, but not without telling her story to her great-granddaughter, Heidi Eyebfor. It’s German.

“Come closer, Heidi.” Grandmother Elodie implored. She was laying on her deathbed, waiting to bid adieu to the life that had betrayed her so.

“What is it, Meemaw?” Heidi asked with a tear in her eye.

“It’s no secret what your dear, old grandmother is famous for. You know that better than most, dearie.” Elodie said, full of regret.

“Yes, Meemaw, I know, but it’s not your fault. Your rule was simple. It can’t get much simpler than ‘I before E.’ It’s that Merriam-Webster CEO’s fault. He’s the one who made it so convoluted. He’s the one who ruined it, tarnished it, and defeated its purpose.” Heidi said, trying to make her Grandmother’s fleeting final moments as pleasant as possible.

“Does the rule even work for any words anymore?” Elodie asked, feebly.

“Sure, Meemaw! Of course it does! Just look at your name! Elodie. It’s so melodious, so peaceful. A reminder of the time that once was.” Heidi countered.

“Yes, you’re right, sweetheart. My name is what made me want to make the rule. So many constantly spelled it wrong. It’s not difficult, whatsoever. E-L-O-D-I-E. The I comes before the E and there is no C. If only every word could have followed the rule, but alas, it was not to be. Instead, I’m the most reviled English professor in the history of the world.”

“Now, you know that’s not true, Meemaw.” Heidi scrambled to find some comfort for her grandmother, knowing she was trying to pass on her last bit of wisdom on before she passed on herself.

“Hush, honey. Have you heard the story before?” She asked one final question.

“Of course, of course. I would not be an Eyebfor if I hadn’t!” Heidi answered.

“Good. Good. Now, you tell it to me. I’d like to hear it one last time.” Elodie said, nestling in, making herself comfortable before it ended.

“You know it doesn’t define you, right Meemaw? You actually did other things. Why would you want to relive your biggest regret?” Heidi asked.

"Just tell me the story.”

“Well, alright then. There was a young flapper, fresh out of college. She had gotten her degree in English from Cornell University. Her name was Elodie Eyebfor.” Heidi began retelling the story. "Do I have to say your name? Can't I just call you, 'you'?"

"No."

Heidi continued. “Elodie wanted to change the world. However, as a woman living in the early twentieth century, this was difficult. Qualified to become a professor, Elodie jumped at the opportunity and became Cornell’s third female professor, joining Martha van Rensselaer and Florence Rose. Taking advantage of her privileged position, Elodie decided it was time to generate the most resolute rule in the English language. She was sick and tired of people spelling her name wrong. She went to the Dean of Cornell and he agreed with her. The two eventually established a new rule for the English language and structure of grammar. From now on, in every word, the letter I would come before the letter E.” Heidi stopped to catch her breath. Her grandmother stirred and Heidi continued, choking back tears.

“The Dean then thought it would be a good idea to add ‘except after the letter C’ to this rule. Not only did it rhyme, but it allowed for words to look less awkward. Elodie thought this to be acceptable until the Dean started to take credit for the idea. He slowly pushed her name away from the rule until it was widely regarded as his. When, he worked with other professors to perfect the rule so it could apply to each word in the English language, they realized that many words had to be amended, or the rule did. Set in their ways, they chose to change the rule. By now, it was simply too long. No one could keep up with the thousands of exceptions to the rule and grammar students revolted, unleashing an immense backlash on the ‘creators’ of the law.

"Flustered, the Dean pinned the rule on Elodie Eyebfor. She was promptly fired from her position of Cornell and she relied on her husband and children to provide an income for the household. Elodie could not show her face in public without being ridiculed. She was made fun of with every step she took, so Elodie lived as a recluse in her colonial home as far away from Cornell as she could.

"Elodie started to become accepted again once the former Dean died. For the first time in a long time, she was able to live in society. A grammatical society she had contrived that would never be the same. Like Johnny Damon, she eventually was silently forgiven and reintegrated into the world. She was offered her old teaching position at Cornell once the facts came out that the ruined rule was not her doing. However, Elodie declined the offer almost immediately. She had found contentment with her new life.”

“And I wouldn’t change a thing.” Elodie said as she slipped out of consciousness for the final time. Heidi clasped her hand and massaged the knuckles upon it. This was the way she said goodbye to her grandmother.

She died, with an I before the E, both in words and in what actually happened.