I’ve become somewhat of a leper in the past week. I don’t talk to anyone at school, ever since the tragic car accident. We were wasted, our first time at 16. The car went head on into a tree and we both flew out of the car. The only thing I remember seeing was my red hair. It’s blonde now. I think about it all the time, and about how we could be having fun sleepovers, and meaningless conversations about boys. But she now lays in a hospital bed half dying and I with just a broken arm.
Going to the hospital has become a part of my routine. The same nurse, escorts me to her room even though I know exactly where it is. The nurse looks at me, with those same sad eyes.
“I’m sorry Hannah, but visiting hours will be short today. She’s become a little aggressive.” the nurse explains to me. I already know, the only person that speaks to me is her brother, and he tells me everything.
“Thanks.” I say, politely implying that I want to be alone. She nods, and I walk toward the door. My heart beats fast as I turn the door knob. Slowly I walk in. She’s sleeping soundly on the bed. The white hospital sheets make her look dull in the colorfulness of the gifts and balloons. I scan the room for a chair and spot one under the big table with all the teddy bears. I pull the chair next to her bed.
I’m quiet not to wake her, fully knowing that she’s on strong tranquilizers to keep her from hurting me. Her small face looks so peaceful though, her short brown hair is in loose ponytail and her green eyes just like mine are hidden behind her closed eyelids. I fill the silence by reading her favorite books. The colorful childish clock indicates that the hour is up.
“Hey, Janet” I speak to her “I’m sorry I made you do those things. This is all my fault.” I put my hand on hers, and a tear escapes.
A different nurse knocks on the door. I place a kiss on her forehead and leave. I don’t look back at her. I’m ashamed that I don’t, and that I can’t.
When I get outside, the cold wind hits my face. I tighten up my big jacket, pull my purse closer to me and power walk to my car. I pull out a cigarette when I get in, a nasty habit that developed shortly after the accident. I light it and it fills my lungs. When I’m calmer, I drive.
Some friends call and give details to the closest party. This has become part of my routine too.
I arrive at the address, they gave. A big white house, in the middle of nowheresville. The music vibrates through me as I park my car and get out, the door pulls my black skirt up higher but I don’t fix it. I get in the house and I’m greeted by the smell of beer and a ‘Yo, Hannah’ from someone a few feet away.
**
On my tenth beer, everything begins to slur. In the blur of sweaty people, I see Janet’s brother a couple feet away, wearing my favorite shirt of his. He walks towards me and smiles when he sees me, but frowns when he notices all the beer cans. He carries me, he’s stronger than he looks. He carries me to the front yard, sets me down and sits next to me.
“Hannah, will tell me what’s really going on with you?” He asks.
I sob loudly. I have to tell him.
“It’s all my fault, I was the one who was driving, it was all my fault, I lied to everyone.”
He’s not happy but he’s not mad.
“Thanks for telling the truth.” He says and hugs me.