Before I even opened the door, I could smell the fumes of beer and something stronger- vodka maybe- wafting from Jay’s apartment. Great, I thought. Before the birthday boy is even in attendance, too. Was I really going to put myself through this again?

It had been over a year since I had seen him, so the red birthday invitation stuffed under my apartment door took me by surprise. I had immediately thrown it away, not wanting to have to subject myself to the looks of disgust I knew his friends would give me. So why was I here? I would like to say I wanted closure. In reality all I wanted was revenge.

Hands trembling and fingers numb, I straightened out my coat and rang the doorbell. Instantly, a shaggy head of blonde hair pocked out from around the corner.

“Sky?” Jay looked at me like I was a ghost. The scent of alcohol on his breath was so strong it watered my eyes.

“Hey Jay,” I said, rather awkwardly. Jay cracked a wide grin as he swung the door open.

“Jamie will be glad you came.”

He ushered me into his small apartment that now seemed oddly distant to me. A few months back, I had been practically living with Jay and Jamie, so their apartment was like a home away from home. But now, some of the warmth had fled, and not just from the changing of the seasons. The apartment seemed unfamiliar to me, like a friend I hadn’t seen in years. It looked as though the party had been raging for hours; crushed beer cans were littered all across the living room, random articles of clothing were strewn on the stairs and couch, and a tie was already hanging from the doorknob of Jay’s room.

“Isn’t that your room?” I asked Jay, who was concentrating hard on not falling over. He glanced to his door with a confused look, but just waved it off.

“It’s just Mia and Josh. You know how the get when they’re drunk.”

“Oh, right.” I said. Jay and I locked eyes for a moment too long.

“It’s been a while.” Jay finally said. “What? A year and a half?”

“Yeah.” I said, keeping my eyes towards the floor. “How’s Courtney?” I asked.

“Oh, her? We broke up.”

Before I could bull s*** my way through condolences, the front door opened, letting in a blast of icy air. I turned to see Jamie trudging into the apartment, tracking in dirt and snow. He turned and we caught eyes. To my dismay, he kicked off his shoes and began walking towards me.

“Sky, hey. I’m glad to see you here.”

“Are you really?” I asked him, trying to suppress the hateful tone in my voice. Out of the corner of my eye I could see we already had a few bystanders watching us. Jamie didn’t seem fazed.

“Of course I am.” He laughed. A hot hate boiled in my gut. That fact that he was so apathetic towards what had happened between us made me want to punch a wall.

“You stopped calling.” He said with sad, heavy eyes that almost made me feel guilty. Almost.

“You stopped caring.” I replied. Jamie shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He hung his head in what couldn’t have been shame, for he was too proud for that, and looked up at my from behind his brow. It was a look I had seen too often that normally ended up with me on top of him.

“Well, you know after Nathan-“

“Don’t you f*ing bring him up again.” I said in a low murderous tone. “He was my friend too, you know.”

“Yeah? Well you seemed to get over it pretty quickly.” The Jamie I knew and hated was starting to emerge. There was no way he’d let it get as bad as he normally did around me with all of the party guests watching us, but I could see a flicker of familiarity in his eyes- one that knew what came next.

“If you couldn’t see that I was suffering, then that is on you. But just because I didn’t go parading around my emotions doesn’t mean I didn’t mourn for him, because my grief was just as real and painful as yours.”

Everyone within 10 feet of us had fallen silent to listen to our dispute. I caught the eye of a girl who looked vaguely familiar to me. Emily, her name was. I had seen her flirting with Jamie at work on countless occasions. The worst part was that he openly flirted back. Okay, we weren’t in a ‘real’ relationship, fine, but he could at least have the decency to not hit on other girls when I was around. Seeing her at the party just sent me on edge, and it wouldn’t be too much longer until I fell off completely.

Noticing that the party had stopped, Jamie consoled his guests.

“Hey, there’s more beer out back!” He shouted. There were cheers in response followed by a group of guys stumbling their way through the kitchen, pulling whatever girls they could find along with them. Once the room was relatively clear, Jamie turned to me.

“Listen, all I wanted was to make amends with you.” He started, placing a hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off. Jamie pursed his lips, but continued. “I’d like to think some good came out of our relationship. You’ve experienced more than most people would in a lifetime within 4 months, and I got to f*** a virgin.” He chuckled to himself.

Right at that moment, Jay walked back into the room to find me kicking Jamie in the groin.

“If I were you, I’d think again about who’s f*ing who.” I said, and stormed out of the apartment into the snowy night.




My feet crunched in the snow and I felt hot salty tears stream down my face. I ran as fast as I could back towards my apartment, but I only made it around the block before I had to collapse on the curb to compose myself. I tried to catch my breath between sobs. I watched the icy air puff out of my mouth as I tried to catch between sobs. Watching the crystalized breath, I thought back to something Jamie had told me.

“Do you know why we can see our breath?” He asked me.

“Why?” I replied, just wanting to hear him talk.

“It’s because cold air doesn’t hold as much water as warm air does. As the warm, moist air leaves your mouth, it cools and the water that was dissolved in it condenses into tiny droplets creating a puff of fog.” As he said this, he watched his breath float away into the night sky. It was a particularly cold night in October; Halloween to be exact. Jamie and I had met just the day before when our English class was cancelled and we had nothing better to do than swap stories. Pirates and ghosts and princesses ran around us unsupervised, shrieking with delight and stuffing whole candy bars in their mouths.

“It’s freezing.” I said, rubbing my arms. Without a word, Jamie removed his heavy bike jacket and draped it over my shoulders.

“I want that back.” He laughed, although I knew he was serious. Even at that undeveloped stage in our friendship I could tell he was possessive over his stuff, making me feel like he didn’t trust me.

Somewhere in the distance, a car horn honked, sweeping me back to reality. My legs had gone numb from sitting on the curb, and I was sure if I didn’t stand up soon I’d get frostbite. I took a shaky breath, slowly rose to my feet, and continued down the block.

My favorite part of night had finally come- dusk. The world seemed muted. Sounds came from worlds away and colors were washed out from the light of the moon. The crisp dark air stung my eyes and my boots sloshed through the half-melted snow. Random memories swam through my head that made me tense up. The worst part was that I knew what effects they had on me, but still I dwelled on them. My face stung, but not from the cold—from the tears that were forming behind my eyes. I looked up to keep them from falling and found a million stars staring back. It was astounding to me that I was staring at the same set of stars I had been three months ago. I remember that night more vividly than any other.

The grass was wet and the thick night air was hanging over us. Jamie, Nathan, and I were laying on a pool towel in my back yard, exploring the stars. Jamie made it evident that he knew almost every constellation. Nathan occasionally interjected his thoughts, which were usually followed by my famous laughing fits. Jamie and I sat so close, we almost touched. Every time he shifted, his palm would brush mine, teasing the thin hairs on my hand.

“You know what’s funny to think about?” He asked me, still staring at the stars.

“The word foil?” Nathan interjected and I snickered. “What?” He asked Jamie, who was clearly not amused. “It’s a funny word.”

“Then what is, Jamie?” I asked, giving in.

“That we exist.” He replied. The corners of his mouth playfully curved into a smirk and he turned to look at me. “No, really,” He encouraged. “Think about how random we are. Millions of atoms and cells and nerves and flesh, all strung together to create a unique you.”

I said nothing, but I wanted to say everything. Jamie’s intelligence, as alluring as it was, was also intimidating. I felt the need to formulate every sentence, checking it for flaws before it left my mouth. He turned to me expectantly.

“It’s crazy.” Was all I could say.

“And here we are, all 6 billion of us, sitting on this blue and green marble suspended in a vast void of darkness. And with all of those people out there, you’re bound to start wondering what your use is in the grand scheme of things.”

“Thank you, Mr. Sunshine.” Nathan said sarcastically. I stifled another laugh. Nathan was more like me than Jamie; laid back, taking one day at a time. He was like the big brother I always wanted.

“It’s true.” Jamie said in a matter of fact tone. “In the end, we’re all just stories.”

In the dark my apartment looked eerie, in a sad, abandoned way. The lights from the street lamps cast grim shadows on the building. I could barely make out the balcony of my room in the dark haze. White Christmas lights coiled around the edges of the sliding glass door.

As soon as I got into my apartment, I changed into some heavy wool pants and a tank top and immediately engulfed myself in my fuzzy comforter. I felt the stress and emotion and cold melt away as I sunk further and further into my mattress, when all of a sudden, I head quick footsteps followed by a heavy pressure on my legs.

“Ouch.” I said, still buried in under my blankets.

“Sky! How was the party?” My roommate poked me. Kellen was my best friend since high school and roommate since we started college 3 years ago. I loved her to death, but all I wanted now was to sleep.

“Great, Kel, just fantastic.”

“Sounds like it.” She teased and pulled the covers off of my head. “How was Mr. D*bag?”

“I kicked him in the balls.” I said dryly. Kellen’s mouth hung open in surprise and slowly curved into a smile.

“You go girl!” She squealed, although her enthusiasm didn’t help much.
“I recognize you’re sympathy, and I thank you for it.” I said. I pulled the covers back over my head and prayed she would take it as a sign that I wanted her to leave. But Kellen, of course, never just left it at that.

“Oh, no you don’t,” She said, pulling me out from under the sheets. “Get dressed. I’m taking you out for drinks.”




After about 20 minutes of arguing, Kellen was finally able to drag me into her bright yellow slug bug and drive me to the local bar. Kellen wasn’t much of a drinker. In fact, she was an extreme lightweight. But she had the mindset the she could drink all of her problems away (especially the boys), and decided that everyone else should do the same.
“She’ll have a Sex on the Beach.” Kellen ordered for me. “And keep them coming.”
“You got it.” He bartender winked at us knowingly. Ruby was the best bartender in all of Toronto, and was the only one who could deal with Kellen’s binge drinking episodes.
“Who’s the dick?” She asked, mixing my drink.
“Jamie.” Kellen answered for me.
“I hated him the second I saw him.” Ruby confirmed. “You’re so much better than him, Sky.”
“I kicked him in the balls…” I muttered, burying my face deeper into my arms.
“Atta girl,” Ruby said, patting my back.
Ruby when on about how it made her sick that guys treated girls as material objects, all the while Kellen was flirting with a guy across the bar, no doubt wishing she were his material object.
The bar was noisy and crowded, and despite the buzz I was starting to feel, everything was clear in my head. I thought mostly about Nathan. About how unpredictable life is. We make plans and organize our lives out until we’re old geezers, when in reality, we may never get to do those things.
Thoughts like these often clouded my mind over the past month; since the accident, really. Ever since then, my life had just spiraled completely out of control.
Nathan was brave, unlike me. He wasn’t afraid of death, or so he said. But something in his tone that night at the hospital told me otherwise.
His face was almost completely unrecognizable. It was a wonder he was still conscious. The doctors told him he had to rest, but he refused to until he saw me. His breathing came in slow, heavy gasps that I imagined were extremely painful.
“Nathan…” I said, as I stepped into the room.
“Sky! You’re a sight for sore eyes. If only I could see you.” He laughed, but it was true. His eyes were swollen shut. I was glad though, because then he couldn’t see how badly I was crying.
“How are you feeling?” I asked, trying to hold back a sob.
“Pretty shitty.” He teased weakly. “But that’s what happens when you get mauled by a car, I hear.”
Well fell silent, but he could hear my stifled sobs.
“Sky, do you remember that time we went downtown and walked around the lake?”
“Yeah.” I laughed through tears. “And the ducks attacked us.”
“My favorite part. But do you remember what I told you that night?”
“You hate frozen waffles?”
“No, the other thing.”
“Even if we have nothing, we always have hope.”
“That’s it. You know, I still believe that.” His face twisted into a grotesque smile and he grabbed my hand. “God, I’m so glad I get to die next to a pretty girl.”
“Please don’t say that.” I said, wiping my nose. “Don’t leave me.”
“As long as you remember me, I’ll never leave you.” He laughed, but his face twisted in pain. The heart monitor beside his bed began beeping frantically. The doctors rushed into the room, tearing my hand from his fading grip.
“No!” I screamed, but I was already being pulled out of the room.

Kellen walked me to her car and the lull of the engine almost put me to sleep. That is until Kellen decided to babble about the boy at the bar.
“Did you see how dreamy his eyes were?” She squealed. “They were so blue! Or… maybe they were brown?”
Just then, a motorcyclist pulled out from around the corner of a four-way intersection.
“Kellen!” I yelled. The color from her face drained as she slammed on the breaks. I felt the seatbelt tighten around my waist and shoulder. The motorcyclist swerved, flicked her off, and sped off. Kellen turned to me, white as a ghost.
“I-I am so sorry, Sky.” She said. I swallowed back a lump in my throat. I wanted to yell and scream at her, tell her she should have been paying more attention to the road than that stupid guy at the bar. That she could have killed him.
“It’s fine.” I said weakly. “Let’s just go home.”
The good part about our little incident was that Kellen was silent for the rest of the ride. When we finally got home, I stalked to my room, without a word, and cocooned myself in the covers. I hated crying. I felt weak and vulnerable, and ever since I was little, I learned to suppress those feelings. Weaknesses only held you back. And as much as I tried to live by that rule, I felt one of my own weaknesses creep up on my from the darkness. My left arm tingled and my eyes rested on my nightstand. I leaned over and slid the drawer open. A crisp, dusty bible sat on top of a wooden box. I pushed the book aside and pulled the wooden box out. Inside was a rainbow of art supplies; crayons, pastels, paints, markers, you name it. I knew that was what I should have been going for; a ‘healthy way’ to portray my feelings. But I pushed the supplies aside and grabbed the box cutter.
I slid the blade up and teased the shiny metal against my skin. I could hear the blood roaring in my ears.
I put pressure on my arm with the blade. It sickened me how good the pain felt. I knew that even if I couldn’t hurt Jamie, I could hurt myself instead.
Suddenly, there was a thud from the living room, and my trance was broken. Benny, my pretentious cat, slowly paraded into the room like his arrival should be announced. Remorsefully, I shoved the blade back into the box and put it back in my nightstand. Ignoring Benny’s insistent purrs, I threw my coat back on and silently slipped out of the apartment.
The night air was thick and cold. Fog rolled off the lake, creating a veil between me and the real world. The dewy grass was cold to the touch, but kept me from falling asleep. Although it was a retention pond, the air was filled with a salty scent that reminded me of the sea. I leaned my back against a frozen tree that sent shivers down my spine and I instantly regretted not brining a blanket. No matter how many times we came out here, I always forgot the blanket.
The sky was clear and the stars sparkled down on me, but it didn’t make me feel any better. I pulled my knees into my chest and tried to calm myself down. I could feel the blood trickling down my arm, but instead of trying to clean it up, I watched it run down the length of my arm.
There was no reason to feel this way. I was being dumb and I knew it. But something about being able to laugh at my own pain made me feel stronger. So many people in my life had hurt me before, so being able to control it for one was a nice change.
I never told anyone about the cutting. There were times when I knew people saw the deep red gashes, despite the lengthy efforts I took to hide them. Yet, they said nothing. They could have been scared, or maybe they just didn’t give a f***. It didn’t matter to me, though, they wouldn’t understand. They didn’t know the whole story. The fact the Jamie used me. How he hurt me with more than just venomous words. How Nathan was the only one who would stand up for me and that after he died, all of hell broke loose. They thought it was my fault. I was the one who asked for a ride to the party. Yes, Nathan was still getting over a cold, but he assured me it wouldn’t affect his driving. ‘I’m the best biker out there,’ he would tease me.
It was supposed to be Jamie.
It should have been Jamie.
I wish it were Jamie.
But Nathan was far too protective over his friends to let them drive even after one drink. The irony of the situation still eats at me.
So why, after all this agonizing pain I’ve been through, have I decided to keep living? I ask myself that every day, and every day I answer it the same. Because even if I have nothing, I have hope.
Despite the selfishness, the manipulation, the lies, and the overall shitty attitudes, I believe people are good at heart. We’re not just stories; something you can write and edit and beautify later on. We’re flames. We’re real, we’re living! And we’re harsh, and fragile, we respond to change in the moment. Pain and misery are inevitable in life, and pain and misery change people. It’s the way people receive the change that molds them into the person they are.
And that, Jamie, is why I’ve decided to forgive you.