My name is Gil, and after reading in my doctor’s self help book that keeping a personal notebook can help people be happier, I am going to start writing my own personal notebook.

December 8th:
The landlady was knocking on the door again. “Gil! Your rent is two weeks overdue again. This time I’m really going to kick you out onto the streets!” I knew she was bluffing, she does this every time. But she has too soft a heart, and I take advantage of that. I’m a terrible person. But hey, I don’t have any money, my friends all moved to the US years ago, and my mom and I don’t talk anymore. What am I to do?

My doctor is also on my case because I haven’t been paying for my depression medication. I always tell him, “If I had money to pay with I wouldn’t be depressed in the first place!” He doesn’t care. Whatever, I won’t need them for much longer. That rope I hung from the pull-up bar in the bathroom door is looking like quite an enticing option right now.
But I won’t be able to do it. It’s always the same story, I try to end my misery, and in the end something stops me. I don’t know what it is; but there is a nagging feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that something out there in the world is calling for me, pleading for my attention. I think it’s Truth. What an asshole. He used to come by here once every couple of weeks and he would try to get me to follow him somewhere (I never did figure out where he wanted to take me). I never went with him, but we did have long talks about my past. After a couple months Truth realized how fruitless his efforts were, and he told me that I would find him when I was ready. Ever since then I have felt an empty feeling inside.

January 17th:

My boss let me go two weeks ago. I wasn’t too sad. Who likes stacking the shelves in a kid’s toy store? But no other job will hire me. That’s what I get for not finishing high school. My savings kept me going for a while. But as of last Monday, I am completely broke. I’ve been eating the stale matzoth from last year that I usually use for the rat traps. If this goes on I’ll have to eat the damn rats.

The landlady has been threatening me again. I gave her the gold necklace I once got for my ex-girlfriend. I don’t need that junk anyways. The landlady seemed satisfied but who knows when she’ll be back asking for more. If this keeps up for much longer I will have to move into the homeless shelter across the street. I won’t last there very long. But I have more urgent problems on my mind.
My mom sent me a letter, begging me to visit his grave for the one-year yahrzeit of his death. I haven’t been to that forsaken place yet and I don’t plan on going there anytime soon. I don’t know why my mom even tries, she’s going to write me one letter a year; always going to ask the same thing. Like she doesn’t know how lousy a dad he was. She was there watching him when we had the falling out. All I did was ask when my uncle was going to visit us. How could I have known some kid throwing rocks had killed him in Lebanon the week before? I was only fifteen, and I still remember the words that were exchanged that day… My mom thinks I’m going to visit his grave. What a joke.

January 25th:

I got a job yesterday. I sell meat at the butcher shop on the corner next to my apartment. I come home every day covered with blood and reeking of rotten meat. It pays well.
I’ve decided to start saving up for something. I don’t know what, nor do I know why, but I know I’m going to need it sometime soon.

Why hasn’t Truth dropped by? I’ve been thinking about him for a while. He seemed to know the answer to every question anyone could ever think of. I want to ask him why we are here. I mean, look at us, all we humans do is live, kill others, procreate, and then die. What’s the point of it? Why am I even here?

April 9th:

I’ve decided to go looking for Truth. He may have been one of the most disheartening people I have ever known, but he is the only one with the answers. I have forty thousand shekels in the bank and I quit my job yesterday. I am going to find him.

April 11th:

After searching non-stop around my apartment complex and the surrounding area of the city, I have concurred that Truth has moved on somewhere much farther away. I knew it from the beginning, I had a feeling that he would be hard to find. I’ve decided to go visit the army base that I was in for three years. One of my neighbors told me that before he left she saw him in my uniform. I was wondering where that went.
It’s going to be hard to find a way into the base. Usually people that want to enter need signed papers. But I used to play cards with the sentry that’s posted there now; hopefully he’ll remember me.

So tomorrow, I am going to buy a train ticket and go to my old base. I hope I find Truth there. Every day I look for him I feel a little better; the empty feeling inside of me is getting filled drop by drop.

April 22rd:

I have been searching around the base for ten days now. I found my uniform in the dumpster outside of the bus stop nearby. There was a note in the pocket that was addressed to me.

Gil,
If you have found this, you must be looking for me
This endeavor is going to be easier than you can foresee
All you need to do is make peace with yourself.
Go apologize to the one that you have wronged
I have been in front of you all along
All you need to do is raise your head and say ‘I do’
Look deeply into my eyes
And there, in white, your answer lies.
-TRUTH
Why does he have to be so cryptic?! If he knows I am looking for him he must know how important this is for me. I need to know why I was put here.
However this message has proved to me that I am on the right track, now all I need to do is find out where he is leading me. He told me to “make peace with yourself”. I remember once telling him about a park in my hometown that I used to go to. It was where I would go to collect my thoughts. I would talk to myself there when I had no one else to talk to. After my uncle’s death my dad was so withdrawn, and my mom would spend all her time tending to his every need. I think that park is the place that Truth wants me to go to. He wants me to go there and ponder my life.

May 3rd:

I have been here in the park for a very long time. I bought a tent and have been sleeping in it for the last couple of weeks. I’m living in the big grassy field that used to be my favorite place to relax. I have been deep in profound thoughts whilst staying here.
I’ve gotten over my depression, and I feel as if I have been given a new set of eyes to see the world with. I now understand that my friends didn’t leave because they didn’t like me, they left because they wanted to be successful. I now understand that my dad was never mad at me, but was mad at life itself and the situation he was in. I now understand that my mom cared about me, and that her love was the very reason she kept me away from my father. I have forgiven them. I have forgiven everyone.
I truly believe that I am a different and better person. The emptiness inside of me is receding and contentment is taking its place. However I feel as though Truth is still eluding me. He wants to see just how much I’ve learned from this trip and whether I am worthy of finding the answer to my question.
The next line in his message will tell me where I need to go. “Go apologize to the one that you have wronged”. I think he is talking about my dad. After my reflections I can see that he never meant to hurt me. I can also see that I hurt him immensely through my intentionally harsh words and rebellious actions. I need to visit him and apologize for all of the terrible things that I said.



May 8th:

It was easy to find the grave. And once there I was able to finally fully forgive all of the pain that I was inadvertently dealt at the hands of my dad. I thought back and recalled moments that had been previously lost in the haze of memory; moments when his true colors shone through and he was the most protective and loving dad a son could ask for. I only wish he was alive so I could ask his forgiveness for my selfish behavior.

I have decided to stay in the area for a while longer. My mom lives nearby and a visit to her is long overdue. I have also been offered a job as a tour guide in one of the parks near the cemetery.

My plan is to stay here and relax, and later continue my search for Truth. Because no matter how at peace I am and how content I feel, there will always be a part of me that wants to know the answer to the question that seems to persistently revolve through my head.

May 24th:

I am getting very well settled in here. I have reconciled with my mom, and we have weekly coffees. My job as a tour guide is not only one of the most engaging jobs I have ever had, but I also genuinely enjoy teaching other people about the joys of the natural world.

I have found myself an apartment that is only a 10 minute walk from both the park I work in and my mom’s house. So it seems like I will be staying here for quite a while.

August 15th:

I am happy to say that these past few months have been the happiest of my life. For the first time since I can remember I feel truly content with my life and there is nothing more I can ask for. I am back in touch with all of my family. I have a job that I enjoy. I started dating a girl that loves me for who I am and who I love unconditionally. And I have found peace with myself.

While I am still curious as to where Truth went to, it is not at the forefront of my mind. I have a middle school group coming into the park almost every day and planning for those little rascals takes up all of the time I have.

As for my question - “Why are we here?” - I don’t need an answer anymore. While I still have not found the answer, I feel as if I have found closure. Maybe one day in the far future I will return to my hunt for the answer, but right now I am satisfied by just living my own life.

December 8th:

This entry into my notebook will be my last. Today has been the most eventful day of my life, and a good way to end my personal notebook. I got married today to the love of my life. After a lot of planning and organizing we finally had our dream wedding. It was beautiful, with all white decorations and both of our families and friends there. I could not have asked for a better marriage, nor could I have asked for a better spouse. I will remember this joyous day for years to come.

My wedding however is not the only thing of note that occurred today. For the first time in over a year, I saw Truth again. I had almost forgotten what he looked like. And yet when I saw him while I was walking down the aisle, the same question that had always plagued me popped up into my head. However this time I did not want to ask it. I realized that through my journey of trying to find Truth, I had found the one true answer to all truths - Happiness. When my bride walked down the aisle I shared a knowing glance with Truth. The Rabbi said the proper prayers “Gil do you take Happiness’s hand in marriage? ‘I do’ and do you Happiness take Gil’s hand in marriage? ‘I do’ you may kiss the bride”. And as I kissed Happiness as my wife for the first time, out of the corner of my eye I saw Truth leave the room. And I never saw him again.