The Cycle

Beep. Beep. Beep. The constant humming of the heart monitor was slowly, but surely, driving me insane. It had been three days. Three days since my grandmother was brought to the hospital on accounts of fevers, night chills, and unusual infections. Three days since my grandmother found out. Three days since the beginning of the end.
You’re probably thinking, “You are exaggerating so much!” I wish I was. I remember thinking, “Why? Why my grandmother? Why me?” You may think it was crazy to pity myself for something that was happening to my grandmother, but I was impacted too. Ever since I can remember, I was always my grandmother’s favorite. She was always there for me because they lived so close to us as I was growing up. When I would scrape my knee or end a relationship with a guy, she was always my rock, my go-to person for advice and comforting words. She was so close to me that when she was told of what happened I had to excuse myself from the room to go and cry. She was more of a mom then my mother was to me. She was my mom, and I was her little girl.
Back to the point, my grandmother was diagnosed with stage IV leukemia three days ago. She relapsed from leukemia three days ago because about seven years ago she was first diagnosed with Stage II leukemia, but she was strong enough to overcome that. She has to be strong again for herself, for me, and to prove to the doctors that she will not die. She has to live. I can’t survive without my grandmother.
I was sitting there, staring off into space, just thinking about everything that had happened when my mother walked in with my sister.
“Hazel, we have to go,” my mother said.
I stared at her, then glanced back at my grandmother. My eyes finally rested back on my mom. She could see the hesitation in my eyes.
“Honey, Nonna will still be here tomorrow,” she looked at me, sadly.
“You don’t know that,” I muttered.
She was looking at me with an expectant gaze, suggesting that she didn’t hear me speaking under my breath. I slowly rose from my seat beside the stiff hospital bed. Honestly, how can people even sleep in those stupid things? If I was even in them for a couple hours, I would probably have to bring my own comfortable bed to the hospital room.
“Okay. Let’s go,” I looked back at Nonna and quietly walked over to her side, “I’ll be back, Non. Tomorrow, I’ll be back.”
I kissed her forehead gently and turned around back towards my family.
“Now, I’m ready.”
My mom nodded her head, and she didn’t wait another second before turning on her heel and swiftly leaving the room without a backward glance. She was being so inconsiderate. Her own mother was laying on a hospital bed, and she didn’t even give her a second glance! How can she-?
“Don’t judge her so quickly, Hazel. She has different ways of expressing sadness,” my sister said studying my face, as if trying to read my thoughts.
“Well, if I was her, I would definitely not be ignoring my own mother. Nonna is supposed to die soon, Rose. Our grandmother is supposed to die, and you guys are treating this as if she has a simple headcold!” I started saying, progressively getting louder, earning a few stares here and there from passing nurses and doctors with stacks of papers and folders spilling out over their full arms.
“Okay. Okay. I’m not trying to get into an argument. I was just saying don’t scrutinize so fast. You don’t know what she is going through at the moment,” she replied while looking down at her black Vans.
“Oh? And you do Rose?” I countered back.
“No. I wasn’t say-.”
“Oh? Then, what were you trying to say?” I raised my eyebrows.
“She cries herself to sleep every night, Hazel! I have to go comfort her every night, but obviously, you didn’t know that, or you wouldn’t be this rude about your own mother!” she finished with a start as we stopped walking right beside the automatic doors that opened themselves for us. My mouth was slightly open while I looked up at my sister. She was trying to avoid my gaze by looking at a group of attractive doctors who were sitting at a table in the cafeteria while drinking soda and talking about the “raving game that showed off the players’ strength, agility, and teamwork.” I shook my head as I looked down at my dirty shoelaces, feeling ashamed.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it, but you know that I’m really close to Nonna, and that this is breaking my heart. Looking at her withering body as she becomes more and more weak is killing me inside,” I said, defeated.
“I get that, Hazel, I really do, but you can’t take out your anger and your sadness out on your family who are the only ones who can help you get through this. You will get through this. She will be fine. Nonna is a fighter, so don’t worry about her too much,” she replied as she patted my arm slightly awkwardly.
“You’re right. She will be fine. She’s strong. She’s brave. She’s-,” I rambled on and on as we made our way through the cars in the parking lot as the dark clouds drifted in, and the wind slowly started picking up pace until the American flag on the pole looked like it would be ripped off its wires any second. My heart rate accelerated a little bit as a dark thought entered my mind.
“R-Rose? You don’t think that a tornado is coming in right?” I stuttered as the fear in my shaking voice was obvious.
“Hazel, you’re fine. It’s just a storm. It happens all the time around here.”
“I know. I know, but this seems like more tornado-like weather than just a bad storm,” I tried to push her along towards our car which, of course, was parked at the back of the large lot.
“Okay. Okay! Stop! I’m moving, gosh….”
We finally made it to the small Volvo that had been parked next to a new black Mercedes-Benz, yet the Volvo was one of the only cars in the almost vacant lot.
“Well, I guess mom left us. She was probably getting a bit too emotional…,” she drifted off as both of us knew the direction her sentence was going. She was saying that mom was choked up by the sight of her ill mother lying helpless in the bed with rails.
Rose and I hopped into the car, and she started the ignition. The car jutted forward with a sudden jerk as she “accidently” hit the wrong pedal. You would think a 25 year old, who has been driving for years, would be able to tell the difference between the brake and the acceleration.
I shook my head at her and took out my iPhone to listen to my own kind of music because let’s just say that Rose’s choice of music a) does not reflect her personality at all and b) is terrible.
“Don’t put on your music! It seeps out of your earphones and distracts me from my music,” she said with a scowl on her face.
“I can listen to whatever I want, Rose. You aren’t my mom,” I replied back with an irritated voice.
She did that all the time. Acting as though she was my mom, she was probably the most annoying person on the planet. Suddenly, light filled my vision, and a couple seconds later the loud crackle of thunder erupted through the quiet night air. Drops of rain pitter-pattered on the front windshield as the storm grew nearer and nearer to our location.
“Are you sure that this is just a simple thunderstorm? It was literally 90 degrees today,” I asked Rose while looking out of the side window with a slightly concerned look on my face.
“Hazel! You worry too much. Everything is fine. Relax,” she replied calmly, but I noticed the slight tension in her hands as another clap of thunder burst through the air.
The radio started giving off a warning siren before my eyes went wide as the automated voice began to talk.
“Warning for the region of southern Alabama. Get inside and stay inside until further notice. Tornado Warning is in effect. Tornado Warning is in effect,” the static from the radio lastly a few seconds until it finally left the stereo, and the music starting seeping back through the battered speakers.
“I told you.”
“We are fine, Hazel. We are almost home anyway.”
The wind violently began to pick up, and the car was gently rocked back and forth, forcing my sister to slow down.
“Please, don’t slow down. I’m scared,” I finally let the fear escape into my voice as I urged my sister to keep going without any break of speed.
“Hazel, it’s dangerous. If I don’t slow down, we could go off the road.”
My eyes looked outside, and I squinted as I tried to see what was out the window. My breath caught in my throat as I realized that we were on a bridge that was over a river. From my blurry view, I could still see the big rapids being formed in the river down below as rocks from the hill above the water came tumbling down. My eyes quickly went to a moving object: a landslide. The speed of the rocks kept gaining and gaining until they finally hit the water with a giant splash creating more and more vicious and rough rapids in the big river. The river was now out of my view, and I was relieved that we were now entering our small neighborhood.
Our house came into sight. The Volvo was moved into the driveway as the garage door slowly lifted itself up. Expertly, Rose guided the car into the tight space and hurriedly removed the keys from the ignition. She was out of the car before I could blink, and she moved her body into the house without a glance back. The garage door closed itself, and I slowly climbed out of the vehicle. The brightness through the windows and the loud crackle startled me as I picked up my pace and ran to the still open door. Shutting it, I looked around. Was it dark in here, or was it just me? I stumbled over to the staircase and starting to ascend. Entering my room, a thought entered my mind. I should take a shower before the storm reaches full intensity.
***
Steam escaped the shower as I opened the glass shower door. Wrapping a towel around my cold body, I grabbed a set of warm clothes from my dresser. Walking to my bed, I grabbed my laptop and opened the lid. While the internet powered up, I grabbed some fuzzy socks, and I slipped them over my tan feet. I walked back over to my bed and sat down, bringing the laptop to my lap. The first thing I saw on my screen gave me an unsettling chill.
“Southern Alabama: severe tornado warning. 4 dead and 21 injured.”
I shut the computer quickly without reading the details of the victims. I pushed the thoughts of the innocent victims’ loved ones out of my mind and snuggled deeper into my comforter. When I finally was about to fall asleep, a loud siren filled my thoughts and ears. My eyes snapped open as I recognized the sound easily. That particular siren was used to say that several tornadoes had touched down.
I tossed and turned for hours as my bed was constantly vibrating due to the number of tornadoes close to my house. My eyelids eventually found way back down to my tired, red eyes. The last thing I remember is the screaming of a young voice, but the sound was quickly drowned out by another round of thunder.
***
I woke up to the sensation of water being poured over my face. I jumped up and tried to tug the suffocating covers off my slim body but, failing, as I was thrown onto the floor with a loud whack.
“Oh my gosh! Are you okay, Hazel?” A voice entered my hearing as I was carefully picked up off the floor and stood up, but I was still being balanced on a body due to my dizziness.
“Yeah. I’m fine,” I groaned obviously indicating that I was, in fact, not okay.
“Well, okay. We have to go to the hospital. Now, come on.”
“Okay, okay. Fine,” I nodded my head and stepped over to my bathroom.
My usual morning routine was increased in time by about two. I literally fell asleep while brushing my teeth. The sound of my name being called from downstairs woke me up with a start.
“Hazel, come on! We have to get going!”
My mind didn’t even register the voice’s name. My restless night came back to my mind, and I remembered the dream I had last night.
The day was perfect until suddenly the sky was covered in dark gray swirling clouds. The silence was pierced by a loud shrilling screech that made everyone stop their movement. A sea of heads turned to the direction of the scream. A teenage girl was sitting on the curb of the road. Her body rocking back and forth, tears started streaming down her face as she started mumbling incoherent words and sentences. A young boy broke out of his trance as he walked calmly over to the girl. He quietly asked the girl what was the matter. She said in a heart-shattering voice, “My-my grandmother. Sh-she was in the hospital, and th-there was a t-tornado that came and…” She didn’t need to continue, for we all knew her dilemma. Her grandmother had passed onto the other side of life. The better life where there is no pain, loss, betrayal. All there is is calm people, quiet people. People who are not stressed or rushing around. They are just calmly walking about through the crowd of other people. The crying began again but louder this time. More and more people started crying, signaling that a loved one had moved on to the calm place where they would stay for eternity.
My thoughts came back to the present as we pulled up the hospital. Honestly, you couldn’t even tell that it was a hospital any more. Half of the building was gone which left a gaping hole in one end of the structure. Wires and debris were scattered all over the ground, and you could see sparks coming from the cut electrical wires in the destroyed walls.
“What the-? What happened?!” I started banging on the windows to tell my mom that I wanted to get out.
“Hazel! Hazel, wait!” I heard my mom scream behind me, but I had to know. The dream entered my mind again. Was this what had happened? Had the teenage girl’s grandmother been at this hospital? Would this happen to me?
Don’t think like that, Hazel. Nonna is fine. She’s fine. Please. Please. I fell to the ground in a heap of tears as my emotions started suffocating me. I felt hands on my back, but I didn’t look up. I couldn’t. I couldn’t move or talk or do anything. All I could do was cry and sit there, thinking the worst thoughts.
“Is she-?”
“I don’t think-.”
“Was she on the other side-?”
The conversation going on beside me gave me hope in my stricken heart that maybe she was alive. I mean she had to be. She can’t just die. I was here yesterday. She can’t. She isn’t. I slowly brought my body off the ground and looked around for someone who help me uncover all the facts about yesterday.
I finally spotted a police officer who was talking into a radio. I walked over with a sudden adrenaline from the hope flowing through my veins. I tapped the man on the shoulder. He slowly turned around and took in my appearance. His gaze turned quickly into sorrow and pity. I didn’t want pity. I wanted answers.
“Excuse me? What rooms were...um...taken out..?” I asked in a somewhat confident voice.
“That’s not information for you, miss,” he replied with that same sad look.
“Please! My grandmother was at this hospital last night! What rooms?” I wanted to grab his collar and force it out of him, but that would have been perceived as “rude”.
“Rooms 101-307 were…taken out,” he looked down slightly as if he didn’t want to hear my sobs and cries if my loved one was in one of those rooms.
My face instantly lifted up, and I quickly thanked him before turning around and trying to find my mom and sister. Spotting them, I quickly shoved my way through to get to them.
“She’s fine! She’s fine!” I screamed as tears of joy started coming out of my still wet eyes.
“Wait, what?” my sister still looked confused.
“Nonna was in room 513, right?” I asked hoping that was the right number.
“Yes, but what does that ha-?”
“Mom, the police officer said that only rooms 101-307 were destroyed! Nonna was in 513! She’s fine! She’s fine,” I started jumping up and down as I wrapped my arms around both of them in a tight hug.
“She’s okay. She’s okay. She’s fine,” I could hear my mom’s muttering due to her mouth being right next to my ear. She really did care.
Of course, she did, Hazel! How could I think she didn’t care about her own mother? Was I that blind to my mother that I didn’t notice the love she had for her mom? I hugged her tighter trying to tell her that I loved her, and that I cared for her even if I never showed it. I backed out of the hug and took a step backward.
“I think I heard people saying that they moved the survivors to the hospital about five minutes away from here,” I said to my mom who nodded her head and signaled for her to get back in the car.
We traveled down to the nearest hospital to find a crowd of people including news crews, paparazzi, and regular people waiting to go into the building to see their loved ones. We were quickly ushered into the building. We went to the front desk and asked out Clarice Robinson and where she was.
“Room 517,” the lady said grumpily.
“Okay, thank you so much!” I moved mom and Rose to the staircase, and we began climbing the stairs up to the fifth floor.
We had arrived outside the door to room 517. I opened it slightly and peeked in. Nonna was laying there reading a cooking magazine, but she was just using it as a hard surface to write on as her nimble fingers gripped the pen as she wrote in her delicate handwriting.
“Hi, Nonna,” I said with a smile on my face.
She glanced at me for a few seconds, smiled, then looked back down and continued writing.
“What are you doing, Non?” I asked curiously.
“Making a bucket list,” she simply replied.
“A bucket list? Why?” I asked tilting my head to the side slightly.
“I want to go outside of my comfort zone before I die,” she said with an expressionless face.
That threw me for a loop. Did she think she was going to die? Is she scared because of last night? She must be, and that’s why she thinks she is gone.
“You’re not going to die, Non. You will be fine,” I said sitting down on her bed.
“That may be, but last night showed me that I should live more before I die. Go out of my comfort zone and do things I would never do before.”
She had a fair point. This may actually be a good idea.
“Well, let me see your list.”
She handed the piece of paper to me, and I started to read it.
Clarice’s Bucket List
1) Go skydiving
2) Go bungee jumping
3) Have a Red Bull
“This is what you want to do before you die? Just these three simple things?” I asked her curiously. She simply nodded her head at me.
“Well, if you want to do these, then we will.”
Her head shot up and she raised her eyebrows at me, but her small smile just put happiness in my heart. With that smile, she could make me do anything. I knew that a few of these things were crazy and scary, but I would do it for that smile.
***
The next day we were being suited up in our skydiving attire, and, honestly, I was freaking out. I kept looking up at the sky, and then at my grandmother, but she always had the same smile on her face every time I looked over. I have to be strong. She is my grandmother, and if she wants to do this then I will do it for her.
“Okay, let’s go guys!” the instructor ordered as we all piled into the small plane.
My nerves were expanding and expanding until my entire stomach was filled with uneasiness and butterflies. I kept my mouth shut though, but in my head I was praying to God that everything would be all right.
“Okay everyone, we are approaching the height to jump. Is everyone all set and ready?” the same instructor asked us.
All of our heads went up and down at the same time. I leaned over to talk to my sister when I remembered that she and my mom didn’t come because they were too scared. Now, I am at full freak out mode. I have to get out of here. I can’t do this. What am I thinking? I was freaking out until my eyes rested on my grandmother, and she placed her hand over mine and smiled at me. That small action raised my spirits so high that I was willing to jump out of this plane first.
“Okay. First group is up. Daniel will go with you,” an instructor said over the noise of the wind and engines. A young man stepped forward and strapped himself to a woman named Isabel who had dark hair that settled near her waist in loose ringlets. They waited a couple seconds before jumping out. You could hear the sound of a woman’s scream as they went down.
“Okay. Next up. Beau will escort you down.”
A teenage girl around my age stepped forward. I’m pretty sure she was Italian, and her name was Federica. She was also a brunette, but she had pin-straight hair that reached the middle of her back. They were strapped together and had flown out within one of my blinks.
Next to go was a man in his 30s who had a receding hairline and bright blue eyes. He was strapped to a man named James. They both went out only a couple seconds after that. It was finally just me and Nonna.
“Next, please. Luke will go with you,” the same instructor said strapping a parachute onto his back.
“I guess I’ll go with him,” I said with confidence in my voice.
A boy with two silver lip piercing and slightly curly hair stepped forward and strapped himself to me. It was now or never. Oh gosh, I just have to do it.
“Are you ready?” a new voice said, and I looked around to find that it was Luke, the instructor.
“As ready as I’ll ever be,” I replied.
He guided us forward and began counting down from 10. This is it. I’m about to go skydiving. This is so surreal.
“5, 4, 3, 2…1!”
We were launched out of the plane, and my stomach dropped. I started screaming, but quickly stopped when the fear was transformed into adrenaline and fun. I started shouting in joy instead of fear, and I was actually starting to enjoy myself, but all too soon, it was over. We were coming down with the parachute, and I was quickly unstrapped from Luke and pulled from the landing spot.
I could hear a quiet scream, but it progressively got louder as my grandmother and her partner, Jai, came down losing speed with the parachute.
“Why did you guys do it?” Luke asked me.
“My grandmother. She has leukemia, and she might die, so she made a bucket list, and we are going to do the items on the list,” I replied as I took out the list and put a little check next to the first number.
“What’s next for you guys?”
“We are going bungee jumping in three days,” I said while looking up at him because my short height made everyone seems like a giant to me.
“Well, have fun! I hope you had fun today.”
“Yeah, it was scary at first, but then it was such a rush of adrenaline, and it turned out really fun.”
“Well, I’m glad. I hope you have fun bungee jumping.” With that, he walked away from me, and I went over to my grandmother.
She pulled me into a hug and whispered, “Thank you so much, darling. You’re the only one who will do this stuff with me. It means a lot.”
“Of course, I would do this with you! I actually had more fun skydiving then I thought I would,” I said while laughing.
“That’s good. It was the same for me,” she started laughing but continued talking, “I’m so glad that I put that on my list!”
“Definitely,” I said with a small smile, “Let’s go home, Nonna.”
I drove her back to the hospital and wished her a good night until I saw her in three days. I went back home and took a quick shower before hopping into bed and taking a well-deserved rest.
***
Those three days passed really fast, so today was the day of bungee jumping. I wasn’t as frightened as I first was during the skydiving stunt because I know the effect it will have on the stomach, and I know the nerves that will be leading up to the jump.
We drove to the bridge where the bungee jumping agency is located. After filling out some forms about safety, we were guided to the harnesses. It was only my grandmother and I at the bridge because it was a Saturday morning in the summer, so no one will be up and about. Harnesses on, we moved to get our ankles corded up. The nerves were starting to hit me. Harder than the skydiving nerves because my body was genuinely scared, but I wasn’t.
I was to go first. They helped me hop to the end of the tall bridge. I was ready. All I had to do was jump. I couldn’t do that simple task for at least 15 minutes. All of us sat standing there until finally, out of the blue, my body pushed itself off the bridge. I didn’t scream. All I did was smile, big. I felt the same exhilaration as the skydiving as I plummeted down to the river, but the only difference was that as I neared the river, the cord snapped me back up in the air before I could reach the water below. I could still see debris from the tornado in the river, and in the distance there were people cleaning up the debris alongside the river. I was bounced up and down a couple more times before finally coming to a rest about a foot above the water. I was retrieved, and I realized that my adrenaline had disappeared from my body, and I was left with a slight ache in my muscles. When I was taking off my harness, I heard a scream then saw my grandmother coming down before the stretchy rope pulled her back up again.
She was guided from the water, as I was, and she looked slightly crazed with her eyebrows raised and the small smirk obvious on her face.
“So..?” I asked her.
“Amazing. Just amazing,” she replied with a smile.
That was it. That was why I was doing this. Her smile and tone of voice told me she was terrified at first, but she overcame her fear, and soon she was having a great time. A time worthy of smiling and laughing. That was why I did what I did.
I crossed off number two on the list and looked at three. Of course, she would pick that. Drink Red Bull. Okay, here we go.
“Let’s go to a convenience store to get the Red Bulls,” I said while thanking the instructors and guiding my Nonna into the car.
We drove down the road to the slightly dirty convenient store. I opened my car door and went into the shop. On the far wall, I could see Monster and Red Bull drinks as well as, other energy drinks. I grabbed two Red Bulls and set them down on the counter. Paying the cashier, I was handed a bag with the Red Bulls inside, and I thanked him and turned to go out to door. I made my way to the small Volvo, and I opened the passenger side door, and I handed Nonna one of the two Red Bulls.
She twisted the cap until it came off, and she cautiously took a sip. Her face contorted into disgust as she spat the drink out on the ground.
“Nonna!”
“That. Was. Disgusting! How can you kids drink stuff like that?” she asked grabbing my water bottle from the backseat and pouring water into her mouth.
“It’s not that bad! You are so dramatic,” I started laughing.
“You know it’s true. It’s just not good…at all,” I started chuckling again at my grandmother’s youthful speech.
***
A week had passed, and everything was fine until we received a phone call that ended my happy mood, ended my smile, and ended my hope. Nonna had passed away on the Saturday after bungee jumping. A week after that smile. The smile that was plastered on her face that entire day. Her good mood never faltered. That is what I love about her, what I praised about her.
We were going back to the hospital to fill out some paperwork. Everyone had tears streaming down their face, everyone but, me. I was numb. No tears fell even though I wanted to express my sadness in some form other than doing nothing. I didn’t want to be numb. Maybe, I was still in shock, and I still couldn’t process what was happening.
We pulled into that hospital for the last time, and I got out of the car, still numb to my feelings and surroundings. We had just completed her bucket list. She can’t be dead! My cries could be heard from miles away probably, but I just kept walking forward. The endless stream of tears never faltered even as I slowly began to raise my hand and wipe them off; they just kept coming.
The paperwork was a thin stack, so it didn’t take that long. I found myself in the waiting room with Rose. She shifted uncomfortably before resting her eyes on me.
“I have something... to tell you,” she said while a hiccup escaped her mouth, making her stutter.
“Okay,” I replied.
“Well, a few weeks ago, I found out that I am pregnant,” she rushed out.
“Evan’s baby?” she nodded, so I continued, “You and your husband are having a baby? I’m going to be an aunt?”
The world crashed down on me again as I started crying, but these tears were a mixture of emotions. They were still sad because of my grandmother’s passing, but the new tears that had been added were of joy. The joy of new life. I felt torn as I looked at my sister through my watery eyes. I hugged her and released my mixture of feelings. Sadness. Guilt. Happiness. Wonder. The stream of thoughts running through my mind was enough to stun me for a few moments before I asked her what the child’s name was going to be.
“If it’s a girl, she will be called Clarice after Nonna. We haven’t decided on the boy’s name yet,” she said with a small smile.
“You are going to name the baby after Nonna?” I hugged her once again as a fresh set of tears went streaming down my face.
We sat there absorbed in our own thoughts and tears as my mother finished up the paperwork. I felt numb again. The joy and sadness being stripped from my body as I thought about what had happened in those last few months.
This was the thing. There was death and sad, sorrowful times, but then there was new life and rejuvenation which brings on happy, blessed days. As one dies, another life was there to take its place. The cycle must always continue. It was what makes the world we live on; it brought new life in and put old life out. We mustn’t forget the dead, but be blessed that we had our time with them; that they lived their life to the fullest. Even though some parts of life are dark and cold, there are the others full of light and happiness and joy.
As we walked back outside, I could almost feel a presence right next to me, but as I turned around there was nothing. Just a slight breeze as the afternoon was filled with light, and in that moment, I knew, somehow, that Nonna was watching over us.