She says “ I want this to be over”. Tears running down her cheek and vivid memories lighting before her eyes. She prays “ I wish I could forget”. Her psychologist was writing down every single detail that came from Marissa's mouth, although herself couldn't say it out loud. It was too painful to even be in the presence of something so surreal, yet true. The psychologist says “please take me by detail, what brought you to me here today”. Marissa begins to speak as she explains her story. It all began when she was in her last year of elementary, her insecurities to transfer to middle school began to show and brought her down. She was only 12 when she first began to hate her appearance and her body. She started eating less, exercising more, but yet her uncontrollable desire for food made it hard. She lost some weight and everyone around her noticed, but it wasn't enough. She loved the idea of attention since she never had it. She was always the “chunky” one of the group. And now she was finally almost about to fit in. It was until her 8th grade year when she started purging. Her words were “this is awful! I don't see why anyone would want to do this!” but after that time, it made it harder for her to contain the necessity to throw up the guilt of eating and not keeping her “diet”. She was always disappointed and ashamed of herself because she knew dieting was just a simple method that many people would do. “Why can't i do it?” “why am I such a loser?” these comments about herself were all she thought about every single day. She thought it was just a face, that she would soon get over it. She hated purging and hated the method but it was the only thing that gave her security and assured her of becoming what she wanted to be. “How did it give you security?” said the psychologist. “It was like at every disgusting moment, the feeling that came after, was of pride. I felt empty which meant I was lighter, I felt like for once, I was achieving my goals and I wasn't the loser anymore, I was making sure to be myself for once” ”. It was the summer before entering High School when she lost lots of weight. She was strict on her method and actually continued and for her was improvement. “there were a couple of times when I felt dizzy, cold, and my hair was dry and ugly, but that made me happy. That meant I was getting closer to be thin”. When the school year started she couldn't wait to go to school and expect people to notice her new appearance, but it didn't last long when she couldn't keep her diet as strict as she used to. She was forgetting the need to throw up and since she hated it, she was limiting on the method. It seemed that getting closer to her friends and being involved in activities made her think a little less about her body and it was working. Until she had gained all her weight back by the end of that school year. It devastated her. So she went back to being more concentrated on her disorder. She lost more weight but not as much as the first time. “Now I am a bigger looser than I was before” “I am an Anorexic/Bulimic that can't even lose weight!” She couldn't keep track and stop eating, it was almost impossible for her to stop and while crying after every bite, it was all brutally thrown out of her body. Her memories were flashing as she said: “i remember once I went to the gym with my cousin and I felt dizzy, I felt like passing out and I was shaking. It felt like the running machine was going to fall on top of me, so I ran to the restroom” The cousin looked worried but thought it was just a teenage thing. It wasn't such a pleasant feeling for Marissa, but she felt proud. It was another sign of continuous weight loss. She would cry in the restroom every night with passion and despair asking to terminate her life. “ I know I won't have the courage to do it myself, so please God, take it away from me, I don't want this life” she would pray. “I want to die under your will” she would silently scream to her inside. After years of her eating disorders, and years of unsatisfying results for her, she felt like she couldn't take it anymore. “If I can't be beautiful and accepted, then I’d rather not be” she said. She finally told the psychologist, “before I came to this cession, I knew what I had to do.” “what is that?” questioned the psychologist. “i just don't think I deserve to live a life where I can't even control my own actions and desires” Marissa answered. “What are you saying?” said the psychologist and with a smile on her face Marissa felt back on the floor as the psychologist tried to stop her from hitting her head. With lights blinking, blurry images cold breezes shiny colors of blue and white, Marissa's thoughts spoke; “Is this a dream?”. All she would see was lights and flashes of people around her, it was like slow motion. “I know I'll be okay” Marissa said from the bed of the hospital where her last breath took place. She was finally happy.