The coffee is hot. Just like I like it. I'm alone in the kitchen around five. I let out a deep sigh. It wasn't just a sigh. It was a sigh filled with doubt, sadness, disappointment, and desire. Not just an immature desire. But a desire to see my family in peace and happy. I was in pressure. Pressure to be perfect. I've always been "that child". The perfect older sister to every one. The one who was always happy and positive. Always showing a bright future and life. I'm a mask. An actress. And I enjoy acting. I've already asked Papa if he would allow the fact I like acting. But no, its, be a this and that. To me it seems, be a mask. Be a shadow. One thing is true is I see the world a whole new dimension. I see the world a whole new angle. Its almost horrifying and maddening. Its impressive how fast some one changes wiser and more mature through suffering and problem. Its impressive how much I know myself through these years of problems and loses. People always think that I'm settle for the future. I've only gone as far as wanting to go to Harvest and pleasing my parents. Its almost funny. How I'm always worried about pleasing others. When I never please myself. When I am not happy. When I am disappointed in myself. When i want more from me or i hate myself. Life is a disgusting web. But as I look my at my brother on my lap while watching midnight shows. I smile at myself thinking about my other brother and three little sisters. Being the oldest is hard, especially in difficulties. Especially when life seems to be crumbling in my hands. Bit by bit its falling. falling in a pool of despair. But its not really. NO its not really. Theres still some light. And those light are my younger sibling. Mama and Papa. And my dear, old, crazy Grá'mer. gone or alive there my light.