"You're doing so good. You're getting better." Remember?
Your words were jolting and unfolding in my medicinal filled head. Before I would not even know if today was tomorrow or yesterday or a week ago. I felt like Gollum from the Lord of the Rings, I was scared of the sun and I hated everyone. No one would tell me what my old medication was, but in a way I'm glad because I'd probably find the prescriber and I'd shove the pills down their throat until they felt as though they were dead, just like I did. But, that wasn't me anymore, I wasn't mean. I was "getting better" that's all I needed to remember. I had always wanted to make you proud, just like dad and John always could. You and I both know that the accident made me worse and made you love two even more. I can't blame you, I would too, so don't think I am mad at you. I'm not. I am actually here to tell you what happened. I wanted you to be proud of me, too. I woke up that morning and it was 27 days in of me taking my new medication and I got the urge to do something good. The first something good I'd have done in who knows how long? I think a year and three months. I did not know what I'd do, but I knew you'd be proud of me and that's all I needed. I actually brushed my teeth that morning. I flossed and I mouth washed for two minutes. "Two minutes is all your mouth needs to be clean." Remember? And for the first time I color coordinated everything like you always secretly, but not so secretly wished I would. Blue shirt, white undershirt, white skinny jeans that you bought me and I screamed at you and told you I hated them which made you cry, blue socks, and those shoes I felt like a nurse in. I was so happy, I wanted to show you, but I saw you looking at my orange bottle with the childproof cap and looking at an old family photo and I decided to just leave. I should have showed you, I could have seen you hide your tears and smile for the first time it seems an eternity. Which is kind of funny, isn't it? "Just smile. Twice a day. Your smile takes every one's breath away and I can't believe you won't show it." Remember? So, I got in the car you got me for graduation. You used Johnny-Boy's money he had been saying for tuition. You didn't know I knew that, did you? I drove past the library where you met dad and the coffee shop where you saw the monogram of John and the hospital where we found out about my problem. I saw a man sitting on the street in front of your favorite place to eat and I decided that just might be my good deed. This could be the first thing to make you proud of me in a year and three months. I could take him some place like to eat or a shelter or to a business with a 'Need work?' sign on the door. I rolled down the window and we had a quick chat that resulted to him hopping in the car. We talked about how he got where he was, not literally, but how he got in such a dried up patch of dirt in his garden of life. And we talked about me and how proud you were gonna be. I was so happy, I felt bad because I just wanted him to leave so I could come see you and tell you all about it. But, that was the old me so I kept on driving. I don't remember all the small details of what happened, I do, but I'd never tell you. Two miles away from the shelter he asked to be taken to he was covered in my blood. His clothes were crimson and he smelled like a mixture of death and betrayal. He killed me and I was only trying to be the brand new me. I was trying to make you proud of me. I know you miss dad and John and I am sorry that now you have to miss me. You got 27 days of the best I'd ever been, but I never got to see your twice a day smile and you never got to see mine. I don't want you to cry or wonder why this happened. I don't want you to think I'm mad, because I'm not. I want you to be proud of me. I want you to stop looking at my pill bottle now and I want you to figure out how you're gonna be the old you who "only believed in I love you's and peek-a-boo's and there was no such thing as a game you could loose." Remember? I want you to be the mom I remember before the accident. Don't be sad. I'll give a kiss to dad and John for you. I'm proud of you, too. I love you, mom.