It was gray and I thought it was going to rain but the clouds held the water back like some deadly secret, a violet curse, a giant wonderful and begrudging nothing.
“Do you want to come to Toronto with me?”
I didn’t look at him; I didn’t want to. I called myself strong and embittered and indifferent, but my armor melted into shame. The worst lies are always the ones you tell yourself.
“No.”
“Why?”
“I have to study.”
“I really don’t think you’re going to study.”
The answer still hung between us like an innocent man swinging by the neck in the gallows, I don’t like being with you was what I should have said but he probably heard the refusal in my voice anyway.
I couldn’t decide if I hated him or not. I was just always afraid.