His pink eyes are a reminder. That image is something I can’t get out of my mind. It’s the first real picture I have that embodies the full meaning of willpower. It must have taken a lot of power to not let loose. Can someone seem so untouchable yet so real at the same time? Can someone seem so breakable but so steel-strong at the same time? Can something be so sad yet so beautiful at the same time?
Life throws us a lot of unanswered questions.
Looking up at Derek to see him looking ahead, trying to control himself. To see the sun on the other side of him, shining those warm, orange rays right at him, creating almost this halo, this glow that wraps around him. The light shines past his eyes, where his spark is fading. A picture truly does speaks a thousand words. There were words unspoken, thoughts running, and endless questions and possibilities ahead. All I saw was that light, that glow. The moment slowed, and I just watched. Emotions I can’t name ran through me, and I just let them. There were no words said, but just taking in that moment.
I’ve never felt something so incredibly heart-wrenching.
I tried to imagine it. What would I do if he actually did break down? I couldn’t. Neither of us can predict what will happen if the worst case scenario unfolded, and so I can’t imagine what action I’d take in response to it. It’s one of the few things we can’t predict. Funnily, we can predict other people’s actions so well, yet when it comes to our own, the page is blank.
There’s one thing I Do know for sure though. I’ve read in books and stories the phrase “it breaks my heart”. You know, you just kind of go, “oh yeah, it’s sad,” but you never really feel it. I’ve never felt it, never, until today. Just the idea of Derek shedding a tear literally breaks my heart. It’d break my heart to see it. And if I ever told him that he’d use it as one more reason to hide from me. It would break my heart seeing someone normally standing so tall, so fragile.
When I imagined that scenario, I felt this constraint, this tightness in my chest, this almost painful feeling, this yearning to protect. He’s probably the last person who’d ask for protection, since he’s usually the one protecting everyone else. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel it though. I’d do anything to protect him from what will happen, if I could, if I knew what would happen. But we both know that whatever comes, we have to face it head on, because that’s the kind of people we are. That’s what he’d do, and all I can do is stand and watch.