Jess sat across from me, cross-legged on my bed. I picked at the three cubes of cheese on the paper plate in front of my feet. She stared me down until I cringed and lifted one of them to my mouth. The gooey texture ran down my throat slowly, disgustingly. I felt the soft plop of the calories, carbohydrates and fat hitting the bottom of my empty stomach and frowned when I remembered I had to do it twice more.


“I can’t do this.” I said, glancing up at her. Jess gave me the glare I only knew so well; the one that expected more from me.


“You have to. Sierra, you have no choice.” I sighed, she was right. I could feel myself gaining more and more weight by the second. I hadn’t always wanted- needed- to be skinny, but Jess helped me. She knew what was best. She was the prettiest girl and school, and everyone knew it. I took another cube and touched it to my lips. I squeezed my eyes shut and quickly swallowed it. Plop! I looked up at Jess with pleading eyes but she remained strong. As always. Before I knew what I was doing the third piece of cheese was sitting in my stomach. Jess smiled at me and I knew I had done my job correctly. She leaned forward and squeezed me. I’m almost there. Almost… was the only thing I could think.


Jess got up and walked to the stereo on top of my dresser. It burst to life with a pop song I didn’t know. She just nodded her head to the beat and walked into my bathroom, knowing I would follow. I looked at the empty paper plate on my bed, there was no more food to force down, I was thankful for that. I wasn’t so thankful, on the other hand, to force them back up. I got up and made sure my door was locked and heard Jess purging in the bathroom. I turned up the stereo a few bars so her gagging was silent and walked in.


She was sitting, on her knees with her head in the toilet bowl. Her long dark brown hair pulled back into a shiny ponytail. She looked up quickly, finally hearing me enter, then turned back to the remains of her dinner. Jess stuck her fingers too far into her throat and she gagged again silently, the music drowning out any trace of her choking. It had been just a few hours since we had done this classic ritual of ours. No one had any idea of what was going on behind my bedroom door, they never cared anyways.


Breaking my trail of thought, Jess stood up. She had always been taller, a towering 5’10 to my 5’4. I glanced up at her face and then back down, she knew I hated this. Jess stood behind me and took my hair in her hands. She pulled it back into a tight bun. I looked at my reflection and regretted it. My hips were huge; they stuck out under my jeans, even though they were a size too large. My stomach was bulging, and I knew under my shirt you could only hardly see my ribs. Jess has told me repeatedly that this is unacceptable, that I should not be so fat.


Fat. Such a cruel word. I despised it with the deepest form of hatred I could manage. Jess moved me to the toilet and I got on my knees. I looked down at my fingers before I forced them into the back of my throat. It took me almost ten seconds before I got that perfect spot that threw the three pieces of cheese back out of my mouth. I smiled to myself, not letting Jess see. I leaned my head up and looked at her again, she was stripping down for the scale. The baggy Abercrombie and Fitch shirt fell to the floor beside me. It was the smallest size they had and it was still big on her. I stood before I got too envious and waited my turn. Every piece of clothing has mass, Sierra. It all counts. I remembered her repeating to me hundreds of times. It was true.


Jess looked down at the number displayed. She glared down at it then stepped off and waited a few seconds so it could reset itself then stepped back on. I could hear her thoughts, they had flown through my head many times before. How could this have happened? Did I binge too much? What kind of guy will love a 92 pound girl? I knew she wouldn’t be eating anything for the next few days. I took off my clothes also and Jess stood over me, watching the numbers on the scale scroll until they found the perfect number. It finally stopped on 93. I grinned and she continued her glare. I had made it, I was only one pound over Jess. That was my dream.


She stormed out of the bathroom, not believing her eyes. I picked up my clothes and put them all in the dirty hamper in the cabinet and saw the unopened tampon box in the corner. I figured my menstrual cycle had stopped three weeks after my last period was due. It was nice, wearing white pants and not worrying about your schedule being displayed to the entire school by accident. I heard the music turn off and I walked into the bedroom. Jess was already on her cell phone. Talking to Davy I assumed. Jess and her boyfriend had been inseparable since New Years Eve. They were going to be the prom king and queen as no one dared to try and beat them out.


“Yeah, see you later.” Jess said, hanging up the phone.


“Is he coming here?” I tried to hide my disappointment; I thought that I was going to get her to myself for the first time in three months.


“Yeah he will be here in a second. Sorry See-See, I know you wanted to hang out.” She didn’t look very sorry, actually behind her mask I could see how excited to get away from me she really was. After all, she didn’t need me.


“It’s fine. Have fun.” I tried to smile but it probably looked more like a grimace. Luckily, Jess didn’t seem to notice and left the room. She never noticed anything with me anymore. She just cared about herself and her stupid Davy. Well I’d make her sorry she ever left. I will make her regret every second of her time with him. I didn’t need her ignorance.
I went downstairs to my dads ‘workroom’. I found some rope; thick rope that I could hold up 93 pounds. Only 93 pounds… I thought, and went back upstairs and stood on a chair. I tied a strong knot around the fan in the living room then made a hole in it large enough to put my head through. I knew what had to be done to make all of this pain go away, so it could never hurt me again. It would all just… disappear.


I slipped my head through the hole and kicked the chair to the ground. As the oxygen cut off from my brain I slowly sank. Down into a deep abyss where no one could judge or leave me anymore. Into a place where I didn’t have to worry… into death.