I can’t seem to look in the mirror anymore, I can only see what she would have looked like. The 200 dollar crib that I bought for her sat in the corner waiting for her arrival, but now it lay empty and barren, longing for something, anything at all. Gifts and notes of excitement lay on the floor next to me, pondering on the cold tile.

The calendar on the wall mocks me, in dark red letters it reads DUE DATE!! I sigh, no one told me I would have to put DEATH DATE!! Up there as well. The toys seem so fresh and new, we bought them only a month ago for her to enjoy. But now there beady glass eyes stare at me, and my guilt sinks into my stomach even more.

I curl up into a fetal position and hold onto my favorite blanket that I had as a kid. I loved that blanket, the smell and the memories it made me feel. I was going to give it to her, but now she will never get it. She will never get the 200 dollar crib, or get to read the exciting cards of future relatives. She will never get to enjoy her stuffed teddy, or elephant. We would never be able to film her first words and steps, or her first day at school.

And it was all because I had taken a risk. It was all because I had wanted a kid. I had wanted to give something I had never gotten, a childhood. But I had wanted to much, and now my greed has overcome me and the place today that I called home. The bedroom that we had stored up for her had greed written in bright red splattering the walls and her toys and her stupid crib.

now instead of notes of excitement I am left with notes of apologies and condolences from people I never really knew. They tend to tell me that it was never my fault, to go easy on myself. But I can never forgive myself for my greed, no condolences can bring her and her brown eyes and fuzzy hair back. My greed is unforgivable, so no apology will ever be enough.

So here I am, cuddled up next to the blanket that was suppose to be hers. Lying on the tile where she should have taken her first steps. Resting my head on the couch where she should have been snuggled next to me, watching our favorite movies. But instead she is somewhere else, and for that, I may never forgive myself.