Dear Lucy,
Greetings from London,
When did a collection of dolls and tiny dresses become a light-rimmed mirror and makeup bags? At what point did drinking water from a plastic tea party set on your living room rug become us sitting in a cafe booth with iced coffees? I may not be able to pinpoint the exact day, month, or year we grew up, but I know that you were there. Not many people are lucky enough to say that the first person they were ever friends with would always remain the best friend they would ever have. Throughout my whole life, our bond was unmatched. You were always there along the way, living through your own experiences alongside mine.
Just like the songs blasted from my hot pink CD player, our friendship lives on between us like a steady rhythm. You were always the constant in my ever-changing life, and as the courses of our lives diverged, the strength of our bond was truly shown. Having you along the way calming my doubts and frustrations, even supporting my delusions at times, has been indispensable.
I miss the safe space your presence created, the air between us that somehow held up the burdens we carry, even just for a bit. Most people would not describe me as a talkative person, but with you listening, my every thought poured out. And I could listen to you for hours, completely attentive. Our back and forth commentary, whether laughing our stomachs sore or fighting back tears, pushed the rest of the world so far away. We went to a place where nothing and nobody could ever reach us. You are the only person I felt safe enough with to discuss the ticking time bomb of the future. It felt so good to break down our hopes and seemingly unreachable dreams, in a space where they didn’t seem as far-fetched.
You should know that I’ve kept every note, poem, and song you ever gave me. The childlike hope and wonder at the future are mementos I often look back on. They are the epitome of girlhood, I think, the exchange of talent that grew from passion. It fascinates me, the way our love allowed us to be so vulnerable while still feeling so safe in each other’s presence.
I sometimes imagine us going back in time and having a conversation with our past selves. Standing once more in the cramped bedroom you and your sisters shared, or the poolside in my backyard where we argued over who was the better love interest in the Hunger Games books. It feels like I’m there, telling them to stick together and keep moving forward, and that they would not believe the ways it pays off. Our most valuable tool is the support we gave to each other along the way. I remember the way we pushed each other forward, when I would tell you to keep singing, to channel all of your emotion into new songs. You would tell me to write down all of my ideas and follow each one to see where they lead me. We would encourage each other to stick with the things that sparked a flame in our minds. I wish we knew that the people putting us down for following our dreams would end up looking up at us, wondering why they had not done the same.
It was fascinating to live alongside you as you chased your dreams. Your successes felt like my own, and as you soared into the blinding light of your future I felt nothing but pride for how far you had flown. I remember when the life you achieved was nothing but a question of “what if.” The dreams that we spoke of late into the night, when it was just the two of us, when we were too tired to have any guard of embarrassment holding back our every thought. There are dreams that we keep locked away for our heart’s sake, but we found the keys within each other’s confidence.
As time goes on without you, there is no fear, because I know I’ll see you again. Not in this life, but somehow I will, and all will be the same. You, predicting the plot twists of my life as we catch up over bags of candy. Me, finishing your thoughts about growing into ourselves and adjusting our aspirations to fit the people we are becoming. The only dream left in my heart is to be with you once more, to be overwhelmed by the feeling of being around someone who just might know you better than you know yourself.
All My Love,
Cordelia

#