I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so confused.

I hit the send button of the IM box, waiting for her reply. It didn’t come any time soon, so I started typing again, each clack of the keyboard a thousand times louder in my ears.

Seriously, Alex, I hate doing this to you. I know you like him, you liked him first. I hate doing this to you. It makes me feel like a horrible friend.

She signed off. Was I being to pushy? Was I really that bad of a friend? My arms felt heavy, like dead weight. Gravity seemed to hate me at the moment, making everything feel weighty.

Alex signed back on. Her reply finally came

I don’t care, I honestly don’t feel like I can trust any of my friends anymore.

My mind went blank. Did she really just say that? I was hurt, and suddenly the hamburgers I had for dinner weren’t sitting well at all. My mouth felt dry, as did my throat. I wanted to cry, but the tears held back mercilessly.

Was she really that mad at me? Over a guy? I haven’t known him for more than a few days, but I felt that I had really connected with him. It didn’t seem to matter that there was more than a few years between our ages, I really did like him. And he seemed to like me back. It was a euphoric, and fleeting, feeling. How could she crush it so readily?

I honestly don’t know how to respond to that.

I waited for her answer, some form of encouragement, like ‘I know, this is confusing to me too’ or ‘Its fine, we’ll get through this some how.’ She was my friend, after all. We weren’t going to let a boy get in between us, right?

Then don’t.

The soundless words rang in my ears. My whole body began to shake. Again, I wish the tears would flow, but my eyes dried up along with my mouth this time. I began to feel devoid of all emotion except for hurt, and pain. This numbness was already making me insane.

I couldn’t believe it. Wasn’t my friend supposed to help me? Make things all better? These kinds of fights were in books and movies, not real life! I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t tell my mom, what would that conversation sound like? ‘Mom, Alex is mad at me.’ ‘Really? Why’s that?’ ‘We’re fighting over an older guy.’ I’d be grounded until I was as old as him.

I started to wonder how she could do this to me. I started to wonder how I could do that to her. I started to wonder what would the right thing to do in this situation would be.

I signed off.