Deidre was woken up abruptly by the sound of her alarm blaring at 6:30 AM. She slapped the alarm and slumped down in her sheets, shutting her eyes and trying to fall back asleep, despite knowing the effort was fruitless. She couldn’t sleep.
Every night it took her hours to fall asleep, her eyes wide open, her brain refusing to shut down, keeping her from sleep. By the time she did manage to sleep, it was already early morning, and she was awoken only a few hours later.
She was exhausted, but sleep just wouldn’t come.
She began her morning routine, going through the motions like she did every day, in an almost sluggish manner. She looked in the mirror, and dead brown eyes gazed back, completely devoid of emotion.
She trudged towards the bus stop, not paying any mind to her surroundings, and sat on the bus, staring out the window with the same blank expression as always.
She could smile. She could laugh. She could act happy. But that’s all it would ever be, an act. The sad truth is that she wasn’t happy, so why should she bother trying to seem like she was?
School went by in a haze, nothing exciting happened, nothing interesting. Same thing as it is every day.
Finally she was back in the comfort of her own home, closed off in her room, all alone. But she had never felt less lonely.
There was no one in her room with her, but she was surrounded by her friends. They were all kept in the small screen of her phone. Some lived within the same time zone, but none were any closer than ten hours away, but that didn’t change anything.
These were her closest friends. These were the ones who knew her, understood her, and were there for her no matter what. And what could she say about the people she knew in real life?
She didn’t trust them like she did the others.
It was dangerous, she knew. Her parents reminded her every day. But couldn’t they see? This was what made her happy. She had friends. It felt like she had almost forgotten the meaning of the word.
She grew close. She got attached. How could she not? No one had ever been there for her, no one had ever cared. Until now.
But what she never expected… was to fall in love.
Her name was Talia. Pale, smooth skin. Curly blonde hair, and shimmering silver eyes. Tall and curvy, with a beautiful smile. But Deidre never had to see her face to know she was falling. Falling so deep that she couldn’t get out, couldn’t escape. Part of her wanted to. Part of her wished she had never fell in the first place, but another part of her couldn’t help but hold out hope.
And then there was Erica.
Talia’s ex, who Talia was still madly in love with, and who was still madly in love with Talia. Talia called her an angel, said she was perfect. The last bits of hope Deidre had been holding onto died away, fading away into nothingness.
She sobbed. She cried until her eyes were red and puffy and her sheets were soaked with her tears. She brushed away the drying tear tracks on her flushed cheeks, trying to hide all remnants of her having cried, not wanting anyone to know about her sorrow.
They wouldn’t understand.
For once, she was glad that they were only friends through a screen. Talia couldn’t see her tears, or her pain whenever they spoke. But despite how much it hurt, it would hurt a thousand times worse if she were to never speak with Talia again.
And so, she stayed. She was there for Talia, through thick and thin, up and down, until years and years had passed.
Deidre tried. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t stop loving her, couldn’t stop the strong feelings of love and adoration she felt for Talia. As years passed, her passion only grew stronger, no matter how much she had tried to restrain it.
She stared in the mirror and hated herself more and more each time. She hated her mess of frizzy hair, or her too thin but somehow not thin enough body, her lack of curves or figure, her lack of emotion and beauty, her lack of grace. She hated how she looked.
She hated herself in general.
Her thoughts spiraled, down and down, until she was sobbing on the bathroom floor, wishing for once she could be happy, and pretty, and normal.
She kept her sobs silent, not wanting anyone to hear her, to know. She bit her lip harshly to stifle the sounds, tasting the metallic tang of blood in her mouth.
The quiet sound of her choked sobs filled the small bathroom, until she finally calmed down, not bothering to wipe her tears away before going back to her room and passing out on her bed, the first time in a long time she got some real sleep.
Weeks passed of the same routine, and Talia wanted to meet. In person.
Deidre wasn’t sure how to feel. Should she be excited? Or would it just hurt even more to see what she couldn’t have, what she could never have?
She said yes.
Deidre got to the airport three hours early, too anxious about meeting Talia to stay at home. And then she saw her. Tall, regal, beautiful, the sight of perfection.
And next to her, hand in hand, could be none other than Erica.
Deidre’s smile fell, and she felt a sort of cold settle over her. She stood up, and she ran.
She ran until she could hardly breathe, and her legs burned like fire. She ran until she was home, safe and sound. Away from people, away from the outside world. Away from Talia, and her angelic girlfriend, Erica.
She stormed through the house, ransacking the medicine cabinets in a fury, before going back to her own bathroom setting all the pills and prescriptions she had collected on the counter.
She didn’t bother with water, just started shoving pills of different varieties down her throat, clearing out container after container.
Her head felt fuzzy, and her vision started to blur. Her hands were shaking, her whole body was trembling, but she kept going, taking more and more until it was too much. She reached for the next bottle, but she missed, knocking the container over, the pills spilling all over the counter and floor. She felt as weak as she collapsed to the floor, a soft buzzing sound ringing in her ears.
She curled in on herself, lying on the floor in the fetal position, her breathing labored. She gasped, trying to take in one last breath, her vision going black, all the medication numbing the intense pain she would’ve felt.
And then… everything went black.