It was a beautiful day and it was an awful day. The sun shone through my dirty truck windows and hit her face just right so that her honey-colored eyes glittered amidst the pinks and purples that splashed across the sky in jealous agony. The streets reeked of garbage, but she smelled of strawberries and vanilla. Even the weeds and cattails whispered through the mid-summer breeze like a devil sitting on one's shoulder.

Our song. This was our song. “Here Comes the Sun” by the Beatles. Ironic isn't it: how someone can be so in love and yet, still be so stupid when God has given you something so good. The chance for a lifetime of love and laughter and I threw it all away.

She looked at me and smiled. The innocence in her eyes was piercing and it took everything in me to not burst into tears. I smiled back. I wondered if she knew all of the mistakes I had made. Maybe she was just in denial. Or maybe… just maybe, she could forgive me. There was no chance of that though. It would absolutely break her. That was just wishful thinking. How could I be so selfish? How could I just abandon her like that? 

She looked so beautiful today, and it was killing me from the inside out. Even with her sunburnt cheeks, and her split-ends that caught in her mouth; the way she scuffed up my dashboard with her dirty sneakers; her stomach rolls that poked out ever so slightly even though she tried so hard to hide them, but I loved every part of her and I still couldn't figure out how to be a man and work up the courage to get out what I wanted to say. What I needed to say.

She began to sing loudly. Our windows were rolled down, and as we passed people on the street, they turned to look; but not at her, at me. They glared. They shook their heads with disappointment. They sneered as if they knew all of the horrific things I had done

I wouldn’t be surprised if they did. We lived in a small town and word traveled fast. I was sworn to secrecy but I just couldn’t keep lying to this beautiful girl who was sitting in the passenger seat. Oh, how I wish I could go back. How I wish I would have just said “no”. 

The guilt was becoming too much. I couldn't handle it all. I began to sweat. I could feel the perspiration on the steering wheel and my hands began to slide ever so slightly over the cracked leather. I focused on the road and hoped she didn't notice. Time sped up as I worked up the courage to be honest about my mistakes. I had to tell her sooner or later. I couldn’t go on anymore. The suspense was killing me.

I glanced at her to make sure she still felt safe and comfortable. We made eye contact  and I felt as though that moment lasted an eternity. I wish it did. She had no idea what was to come. The words that would come out of my mouth in less than a few seconds would change everything and I dreaded having to say it. Not only would it break her heart, but it would also break mine.

We came to a red light and I began talking. 

“Hey. I have to apologize.” I spoke slowly, thinking I could stall just long enough.

“What do you mean?” She didn’t look concerned, even though she should be.

“I-... I-...” I stammered over my words as tears formed in my eyes. 

I was suddenly interrupted when a car behind me honked and I sped forward in embarrassment. 

I regretted it instantly. 

The oncoming semi-truck was ruthless and I knew that I would not make it out alive. I tried to veer out of its way but my hands could not get a good grip on the wheel. It was dripping with sweat and my hands were still clammy. This was my own doing. I was being punished. I knew it. I knew that there would come a time.

The last thing I saw was the headlights of the giant monster heading straight for me, and as my soul descended six feet under, I saw the time that I spent on Earth flash before my eyes. The memories were filled with images of her, and only her. She was the only thing keeping me here and now that I screwed up, there was nothing left for me. Maybe this was good for her. Maybe now she would never have to know.

But, as I was greeted at the fiery gates, I knew that I was only trying to justify my wrongdoings. I was trying to console myself for the mistakes that cost me my life. I cried and I cried. I had never sobbed so hard in my life before; but I was shown no mercy, and now as I was sentenced to a lifetime of torture I regretted every life choice I had ever made beginning with betraying the loyalty of the only girl I ever loved, and cheating on her, even as I knew it would break her heart.