I slammed the screen door to my white, crumbling house and sat down on the porch steps. The clouds were gray and full. Lighting struck nearby. I knew the clouds would burst at any minute, sending a downpour of rain onto my sleepy Alabama town. The clouds, I thought, are me. I was ready to burst at any minute, and I knew that if I did, I wouldn’t be able to stop the tears. The betrayal I was feeling made me sick, and there wasn’t any way I could forget about what had happened. 

“Ayda?” The wooden boards creaked as my mom stepped onto the porch. “How are you feeling?”

“Like everything I’ve ever known and trusted in was a lie.”

“I’m so sorry.” 

“It hurts.”

I heard my mom breathe a sigh of defeat, knowing there wasn’t anything she could say to fix my hurt. “I love you, Ayda. That counts for something doesn’t it?”

Silently, I chewed on my thumb, not wanting to look her in the eye. “I want you to leave me alone for a little while can you do that?”

Beside me, she winced. I hadn’t meant to sound harsh, but she had gotten the message and was slowly walking back towards the house. The door squeaked shut behind her, and I was finally alone with my thoughts. 

Closing my eyes, I thought back to all the times I’d felt this way. I couldn’t remember the last time I cried. The last year had thrown me off the tracks, and I’d never felt this alone. I’d spent the last six months revisiting every choice I had ever made, trying to see where I had gone wrong. 

My phone buzzed, pulling me from my thoughts, alerting me of a new text message. My friends Elijah and Lily were on their way to my house, and they’d be here any minute along with an armload of junk food. Panicking, I reached for the phone and started to dial Elijah’s number. They couldn’t come over now, not when I felt the way I did.

I listened to the phone ring, silently praying that he would answer. I heard a car coming down the gravel driveway and I threw my head into my hands when I saw Elijah’s old Chevy coming towards me. The ancient truck rolled to a stop in front of me, seconds after I felt the first raindrop on my shoulder.

“Hey loser.” He slid out of the driver's seat and his boots hit the ground with a solid thud. He walked towards me, brushing blonde hair from his eyes. 

“Hey.” It had come it more of a squeak than an actual word. Elijah looked at me, and I could see curiosity behind his bright blue eyes. I tried to regain my composure, but I couldn’t get past a whisper. “Is Lily still coming?’

He cleared his throat and folded his arms. Looking me dead in the eye, he asked, “ What happened, Ayda?”

I leaned back on the truck and kicked a rock by my foot. The rain was getting heavier, but I didn’t want to go inside. “Nothing. I’m fine.”

The lump in my throat finally got to me, and my voice cracked, giving me away. The rain was pouring now, and I couldn’t tell if I had started crying or if it was the rain. 

I heard Elijah shout over the torrents of rain that fell from the sky. “Come with me!”

I followed him to his truck, and he opened the door to help me up. He ran to the other side, shielding his eyes from the rain. Once he got into the truck, he turned the heat all the way up, and turned to face me. “Are you okay?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know anymore.”

“Do you want to talk about?”

“I guess.”

So I did, I told him everything. I told him about my birth mom abandoning me when I was a baby. I told him about my dad walking out on me when I needed him most. I started from the beginning, to where I stood now, feeling hopeless and broken. 

“The worst part,” I took a breath, trying to keep my voice from shaking. “Is that they have new families. I just can’t figure out why I couldn’t be good enough for them.”

Elijah ran his hand through his hair. “I had no idea, Ayda.”

I laughed. “ Yeah I do a pretty good job of hiding it.”

“How do you know they have new families?”

I shifted in my seat, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. “I- I look for them. Whether it’s social media, or by talking to old friends. I just want to know.”

He was quiet for a minute, and I could tell he was trying to swallow what I’d just told him. I cleared my throat, trying to disrupt the silence that had settled between us.

“I have something to tell you. But you have to promise you’ll listen.”

I nodded, waiting impatiently for him to answer.

“ You have to understand that people love you. You don’t need people in your life that don’t want you, that’s only going to hurt you. And if you keep searching for people to love you, your only gonna be disappointed. I promise you that all the right people will love you. The biggest thing you need to do right now is to keep fighting to be happy.”

Everything he had just said, had been exactly what I needed to hear. He was right about everything. “How do I do that?” 

“You need to let go. I know that sounds really impossible but I know you can do it. I know your strong enough. You have it in you I promise. Every time you’re feeling hopeless, Ayda, look within yourself for that strength.”

That was exactly what I needed to do, and hearing that, it gave me something I hadn’t had in a long time. It gave me hope.