“I wish this wouldn’t happen, but I just don’t know how to do that,” I whispered so that the therapist could barely hear me. I never expect the ending and when it comes I always wake up in a cold sweat.

The alarm clock goes off and I feel my hand hit it after the second ring. Julia sits up groggily and says something I don’t understand. 

“What?”

“I said ‘what a beautiful morning!’”

“Eh, it could be better. It’s raining and I have to go into work,” I say as I sit up next to her.

“Rain just makes you appreciate the days that are sunny, and that’s why I love it. Doesn’t it make you wish you could just stay in bed all day?” She looks out the window and into the endless gray of buildings. She somehow always sees the best in everything, like cold gray mornings are sunny and full of color for her.

“Yeah, but you know we can’t do that, it’s your first day at the new job and my interview.”

“Oh right!” she immediately comes to life as she jumps out of bed and gets dressed in about two seconds. 

As I head down the stairs 20 minutes later, all I get from Julia is a quick yell, “I’ll see you when you pick me up from work, honey!” We’ve only been married 2 years, but it feels like it’s been forever with the way we work so well together.

Feeling satisfied with my breakfast of a protein bar that Julia would not approve of, I stroll into work and to my desk as I do every day. 

I sit down and get settled, but my phone rings loudly and everyone in the office stares at me. I answer quickly and decide to go into the hallway so I don't get anymore glares. 

“Hello?” I ask, unsure of who would be calling me at 7 am. 

As I’m talking to Julia on the phone about how I can’t pick her up anymore, my boss walks out and stops abruptly in front of me. 

“Reynolds, what are you doing out here?” he barks.

“Oh, umm… I was just, uh…” I stammer.

“Whatever is it, I’m sure I can handle it,” he says sarcastically and laughs at his own joke. 

“I was um, talking to my wife on the phone?”

“Are you sure about that? Oh well, tell her I say hi,” and just like that, he’s gone.

I don't tell him I just got a call about moving the interview for the job I’ve wanted for months. I don’t tell him it’s for today. I don’t tell him I don't want this job and never have. I don't tell him I just might’ve found a way out.

When I originally told Julia about the interview, she was even more excited than I was. She ran across the room and tackled me with a hug even though everyone there was staring at us.

While I sit in traffic on the way to the interview I feel like something big is about to happen. I asked a friend at work to cover for me, saying that I went to the dentist, so I hope it’s going okay. I don’t want to lose the job I have before I even get a new one. Julia said her first day is going well, and the people are great. That’s her dream job and I hope I’ll get mine today too. She also said she found someone to drive her home too, which is great news. 

Walking into the office, I feel strangely calm, despite the jitters I’ve been having all day. I think about Julia and wonder who she’s going to get a ride with. Then I’m snapped back into attention as I realize the receptionist has been trying to talk to me for about 30 seconds.

“Um, sir? Hello?” she repeats, sounding worried. 

“Oh uh, I’m here for my interview, I’m Jack Reynolds.”

“Yes, you can go right in,” she sighs, letting go of the stress she was keeping in. I wish I could do that right now since all those worries are now bottled up inside me ready to explode. I wish Julia was here with me, she would know how to calm me down.

The interview is pretty standard and nothing super interesting happened except that we found out we went to the same college. My phone buzzes and I curse myself for not turning it off beforehand. I put on a nervous smile and tell him to continue. Then it buzzes again. And again. And again. Since the man looks pretty aggravated that I’m interrupting his questions, I excuse myself and step outside to look at who’s bothering me. 

The next thing I know is I’m curled into a ball lying on the floor rocking back and forth. I can’t hear the people around me even though I see them. I see the receptionist who looks way more worried than before, the interviewer and about 20 other random, curious onlookers. Then I just don’t. Do people lose senses from trauma? Because there’s no reason to live when the one you love isn’t there anymore?

“And that’s the day you keep reliving,” the therapist says, connecting the dots, “from 25 years ago.”

“Over and over every night when I’m sleeping. At first, I thought it would fade over time, but no. It hurts just as bad as the time I actually lived it.”

The pain never went away, just as I had suspected. I guess the guy felt bad for me, so I was offered the job from the interview.  Imagining a life without Julia was too difficult though, so I turned it down. What happened was really all my fault, so there’s no reason why I should get to live and she shouldn’t. She put the music in my ears when I couldn’t hear anything, she put the color in my world when all I could see was gray, she was my everything.

“The day that I experience again every night, that was the day Julia died in a car crash.”