The dirt beneath my feet felt cold. Tears streamed down my face as I grabbed the woven basket my mother made and brought it to the barn.  The cattle and goats were eager to receive their meal that lay inside. I felt at peace with them. They were oblivious to society’s standards, and gave me unconditional love.  I felt comfort in that, though my sadness still remained.  I sat down carefully so I didn’t wrinkle my dress that my mother had sewn for me. I sat there and buried my head in my arms, crying. My mother had done my hair an hour before; it was neatly combed and curled. She wanted me to look perfect to meet my future husband. I was sixteen; my family had insisted I marry before my birthday, but to rebel I was caught drinking with the neighbor’s slaves. I could’ve been thrown in jail or worse, but because my father was a sergeant in the Continental Army, I was excused.  I never intended to drink; I just wanted a way to forget about the marriage.
     “Lilah dear, it’s time to go.” My mother said with excitement in her voice. I picked myself up from safety of the barn and walked outside to join her. She grabbed my clammy hand and said, “Dear please keep an open mind. We don’t want to make you unhappy. Nathaniel is a sweet man.  He’ll take good care of you.” I quickly looked away so she couldn’t see the tears forming in my eyes. She saw my reluctance and tried to reassure me. “Your father and I know what is best for you. You will soon be a wife and bear children. You need to grow up.” I couldn’t take hearing this. I wanted to run into the war, onto the battlefield. I wanted a soldier to point his gun and shoot me and rip the life from me. I couldn’t stand to live.
     Nathaniel was a charming twenty year old officer in the army. He was tall and well built. His parents were well off, owned slaves and were well mannered, typical southerners. I felt like such an outcast compared to them. When I was young, I always loved running in the woods with Nathaniel. We would scurry off into the thick pines and search for animals to hunt. Nathaniel and I were best friends growing up. Later on, he started growing distant from me as I outgrew my adventurous and wild side. Our relationship dwindled down to a pleasant “Hello,” when we passed by each other. My mother said it’s because he had feelings for me, but I never believed her.  My parents had raised me well, my mother, a typical wife, cared for the house and children and my father was a blacksmith until the war broke out four months ago. Growing up, I never thought of marrying and having children. When I was young my idea of growing up was to live in a tall pine tree overlooking the vast forest.  As I got older though, I never thought of a future.  A month after the war began, my father was driven to fight against the British and protect our independence. He was a hard and strict man. I felt a disconnect from him. My mother was gentle and soft-spoken and although she was putting me in such a miserable circumstance, I knew she just wanted the best.
     Nathaniel stood there looking at me with a twinkle in his eye. He took my small hand and grasped it in his own. His lips pressed against my hand, and I withdrew it quickly. Normally a woman in my position would have gasped at this.  They would have been flattered by this act of courtesy, especially from a handsome man like Nathaniel.  I only felt horror and disgust as his dry lips touched the skin of my hands. I had tried to force myself to love him as much as he loved me, but my heart was not willing to do so. Everyone loved us together. Our families had been close for years and my father had fought besides his in the French and Indian War, so it was expected that their children would wed.  After my mother told Bridget, our neighbor, the news of our engagement she came up to me, her voice full of excitement. After a while of meaningless conversation, she couldn’t contain the enthusiasm anymore and exclaimed how excited everyone was that we were to be wed. It made me feel even worse that I didn’t love him.  I used to think that I just didn’t have the capability of loving someone. When the girls from around the town gathered together to talk about who they dreamed of courting, I would always lie and agree with everything they said. I would go home and watch Nathaniel walk down the road and enter our farm and convince myself that I could love him one day. Secretly I knew I never would.  We had dinner at his family’s house on their beautiful, sprawling farm. I couldn’t wait to finally leave that house of hopelessness. Looking at them just shattered any hope I had for living my life the way I wanted.
     August slowly came; four months have passed when the war first broke out. The war was my saving grace. Nathaniel was off training  and my father was away commanding the young soldiers that will protect our livelihood. With just my mother, younger brother and our cattle at home, it gave me leeway to sneak out of my bedroom window at night and meet Margaret. I would quietly open the window and walk onto the roof. I loved seeing the sight of her. Her dark brown hair would contrast so beautifully to her bright, white night gown. She would help me down from the second story, gently grabbing my hand. Unlike the feeling of Nathaniel’s hand in mine, this gave me butterflies. Her hand was the same size of mine, soft and free of calluses.  As soon as I got down, I’d wrap my arms around her. The feeling of her body so close to mine made me feel so warm. I loved the feeling of her stroking my back as we stood there.   It felt as though time stood still when I was with her.  We walked into the sundrenched barn and sat down on the hard hay floor.
     Margaret was a light hearted, free spirited girl that possessed one of the most beautiful souls I’ve ever encountered. She had soft brown hair that cascaded down her back like a waterfall.  Her eyes were like a fire on a  cold winter day, warm and comforting. Her father was an ex-soldier who drank his life away and took his anger out on Margaret and her mother. Her soul was left unmarked but her body was tattooed with the belt that kept his pants from falling down to the dirt floor that carpeted her small house. Her father had fought with mine in the war and although we knew of her gloomy upbringing, there was a certain connection our families had. When we were younger my mother would let Margaret stay the night as her parents fought until dawn broke over the rolling hills. She would lie next to me in bed and I would wake up to her screaming in her sleep for her father to put the belt down. I would reach over to console her shaking body and even then, I felt the same butterflies that I do now. She would lean into me as I comforted her, and would fall asleep pressed against me.  It troubled me that I felt such a connection with her but I concluded we were just good friends. I would convince myself that the connection I felt with her was not love, but friendship.
     After the dinner with Nathaniel, I cried with her for an hour. I could do nothing but collapse in her arms. I moaned, “Margaret, I’ll never see you again.  This is going to be it for us! There are no more late night meetings, no more warm embraces! I will be gone. Forever.” Something about that statement triggered something in her. I saw her eyes tear up as if it also had sunken in that this would be our last time together. She pulled me close to her body and caressed my neck.  I gripped her waist, as if she was the only anchor to this world I had.  One look and I knew there would be no turning back from this. This would forever change my life, our lives. We both leaned in.  I got butterflies in my stomach and a warm feeling deep in my heart. She laid me down on the hay floor and smiled gently down at me. There was nothing but love in her eyes. Her soft lips kissed my neck, the feeling left me breathless.  The sun was starting to turn the charcoal black sky into a smoky gray, signaling that our meeting was coming to an end.  I kissed her and she helped me up from the ground. For those few hours I felt no fear, no depression, no shame, I only felt love. She whispered in my ear, “I love you,” and kissed my cheek. I let my fingers slowly release her hand and she  walked gracefully down the dirt road back to her home. I sat back down and looked at my animal friends, smiling at them.  I knew I would soon be getting married, but at that moment I didn’t care.  I was truly happy.  Afterwards, I sat there until dawn thinking of what I had just done. Initially, I felt disgusted with myself.  I kissed a woman. I cried for hours until I had no tears left to burn my face.
     Just as the fog was lifting itself from the gravel, I scurried back into my bedroom. I ruffled my hair so my mother didn’t question why it looked so good.  I didn’t want to have to explain Margaret to her.  I knew she wouldn’t understand my feelings.  My mother burst through the door like soldiers breaking through the enemy’s lines. She had tears in her eyes. I was terrified that she had seen my meeting with Margaret last night but, before I could even come up with an excuse for seeing her, she yelled out that Nathaniel had asked for my hand in marriage.  My heart sank as my mother embraced me with the tightest hug she has ever given me. Before my tears could even begin to form, she exclaimed that the marriage will happen before he is sent off to war next week. This time I couldn’t pretend; I couldn’t be strong; I couldn’t blink my tears away. I felt my body drop from her embrace and hit the cold wooden floor. I curled up into a ball and cried.  It felt as though I was releasing all of the water from my body. My mother said with a puzzled voice, “Honey, why are you crying?” I couldn’t even get a word out without moaning and feeling my body shake with agony. I knew that my mother thought I was crying because I didn’t want to grow up. My mind was twisted with so many thoughts. I couldn’t believe that I was in love with a woman. I was devastated knowing that I could never tell my mother  the true feelings I had for Margaret. I would surely be beaten and possibly killed. She left me with the shallow statement, “Lilah dear, you just need to grow up.” I wanted to escape from all of this.
    I stayed in my room all day trying to think of ways to escape my unavoidable fate. Finally nighttime came and I got to experience the only positive thing in my life. As usual, I saw Margaret’s loving eyes that melted my soul. With one leg out of my window and one leg stuck in my room, I began to cry again. Seeing her crushed me.  I knew this would be the last time I would see those eyes, her soft brown hair, and her strong and brave stature that I couldn’t help but fall in love with. She hurried over to the window and grabbed my hand, helping me down from the window.  I couldn’t even hold myself up and fell through her arms onto the ground beneath us. She whispered that we need to get to the barn, and gently led me to our haven. I collapsed into her lap crying, as she gently stroked my back. After an eternity passed by, she looked into my eyes, still full of tears and said “You don’t have to tell me, but when you’re ready, I’m here to listen.” Her statement just melted my heart; I knew I could never find anyone like her. I finally told her that I had to marry Nathaniel before the end of the week. I expected Margaret to fall to pieces like I did, but to my surprise she quickly grabbed my hand, squeezing it tightly.  With a reassured look she said, “That’s not happening.” She looked me in the eyes and said, “You just sit there and smile and know that you will never have to say goodbye to me.  I will find a way to get you out of this.”  I nodded, trusting her.  I went back to my room, and layed on my bed until dawn staring at the roof, daydreaming of my new life to come.
     The days that followed were a blur. They were filled with countless waist and bust measurements, shoe fittings and “warming” hugs from my future family.  I’ve never seen my mother so happy and proud of me. The morning before the wedding, she grasped my hand and gave me a locket. My mother looked at me with a tender expression and said, “Honey, I know this was hard for you, but I am so proud that you grew up in this short period of time.”  I looked away so she wouldn’t see how uncomfortable I was. “This locket was given to me before I got married; my mother gave it to me to always remember my roots. I want you to move on and be happy, but always remember your foundation.” I felt so guilty knowing that I was going to betray my whole family and my childhood friend. I tightened my grip around the locket, knowing that this would be the only material thing that I could bring along with me on my journey. I went to bed that night, feeling anxious. I tried to be hopeful for a new life with Margaret, but negative thoughts kept swirling through my mind.
     Finally the morning came. I woke up with sweaty hands and a shaking body. If I were caught, my family would be ashamed of me, and my relationship with Margaret would be condemned.  Being in love with the same gender was so wrong, no one had even thought of it.  We would be lynched and hung. I put on the dress my mother sewn for me and draped the locket around my neck. I rubbed it with my fingers, and looked in the mirror and took a deep breath. I closed my eyes and smiled, knowing that if I made this decision I will be able to spend every day with Margret. Just as I opened my eyes, I saw her beautiful figure standing at my window, waiting for me to come down. I saw her smile and all of my worries melted away like a wax candle. I left a note on my bed for my mother that simply said, “I’m sorry for the pain this is going to cause you, but I know this is what I was meant to do. Thank-you for everything that you have given me. I love you.-Lilah.” I smiled back at the woman who I saw nothing but a happy and future with.  She helped me out of the window, and I immediately got flash backs of the first time we ventured out to the barn, the first time I got to feel her soft lips, the first time I knew I was in love with her.  Before we left I turned to her and with uncertainty in my voice I asked, “Why do we love each other?” I saw the confusion creep across her face and I quickly rephrased my question. “I mean why did we fall in love? We both should be in love with men, so why are we so attracted to each other?”  She grasped my hand and ran her thumb across my veins and whispered softly, “Honestly, I’m not sure why but I know that I’m in love with you.  There aren’t many things I’m certain about in life, but one thing that I know is that in this very moment, I am in love with a woman.  Maybe we have an affliction, but we have it together, so insane or not, we’re both happy, right?”  I couldn’t contain my smile as I replied, “Right. I love you Margaret.”   The sun was just rising as I quickly pet the animals goodbye.  They were always there for me and they watched our relationship from the beginning.  As we began to disappear into the forest, I turned around to look at my house, the farm, and the room where my mom was sleeping.  I wondered if she was dreaming of the day to come where she was to give away her daughter. Tears began to form in my eyes; I could feel the water spilling off the edge of my eye lid. Margaret grabbed my hand and looked at me. She brushed my hair away from my rosy face and dried the tears with her gentle hands. She wrapped her arms around me and whispered in my ear, “It’ll all be okay.”  The sun peeked out from behind the clouds, the light shining on us, as if it were a blessing.  I glanced at my house one last time,  thanking my parents silently for all the love they have given me, and disappeared into the depth of the forest with Margaret.