The Last of the Breakfast Club 3: Redux


It’s been 20 years since the outbreak. Civilization has been reduced to isolated pockets living in heavily policed quarantine zones, independent settlements, or nomadic groups. Joel, a smuggler living in what’s left of Boston, is on his way to his partners house to get ready for the next days delivery. The time was 4:50 and Joel was running late. He had to get to his destination before the 5 o’clock curfew otherwise he would be detained or even worse. He had heard about people being out after the curfew and never being seen or heard from again.

The clock struck 5 and Joels speed walking quickly turned into running as he was less than a block away. Just as he was starting to think he was going to make it a man jumped out from behind a corner knocking Joel to the ground. “‘Ello, Poppet.” the man said. Joel looked up to see that he was surrounded by a group of local bandits who hail from Germany known as the Gluhwurmchen. This was it, Joel knew his time was up. Known as a group of murderers and thieves,The Gluhwurmchen were one of the worst gangs in all of the post apocalyptic land. Just as Joel was starting to accept his fate the man who knocked him down asked “Do you know who we are?” Joel nodded his head. “Well then you know that we don’t usually allow too many survivors but today is your lucky day my friend.” Joel looked up at the man in curiosity. “I’ll let you live if you tell me a story” the man said. “I haven’t heard a good story since before the outbreak, do you think you could do that for me?” Confused, Joel asked “What kind of story?” The man laughed and said “Doesn’t matter, just have a lot of pop culture references to remind me of the good times.” Perplexed at the overall strangeness of his current situation Joel thought for a moment. After a minute or two he said “Okay, I’m ready.” and began his story.


“A long time ago in high school far, far away five disgruntled students met in the library of Shermer High School in Shermer, Illinois. They were there for Saturday detention and at first their differences kept them apart, but they soon joined together fight against the judgemental rule of Principle Vernon. They soon went on their separate ways, but the world would ultimately take a turn for the worse… In the 26 years since then the evil forces of Cobra have taken over the world under the rule of the ruthless Cobra Commander .


With the world in a state of chaos and destruction not everyone has made it, including some of the original cast members of the breakfast club. In a state of rage our hero, the one and only Emilio Estevez, has vowed revenge in the name of his friends. He needed a plan and so he came up with his operation to save the world, code named Red Dawn. He then renamed the group to Wolverines. The group included an old friend by the name of Molly Ringwald. The others included Rick Astley, Eddie Van Halen, Arnold Schwarzenegger (pre 1989), Madonna, Fabio, and Jar Jar Binks.

Together this supergroup traveled through taco hell and back to reach Cobra’s headquarters located in the desolate and evil place in the world… Norman, Oklahoma. After years of brutal fighting the battle came to a standstill, so the Wolverines knew that they had to create some kind of Boise State statue of liberty or flea flicker esque play to change the world forever. After thinking over ideas while at Breakfast at Tiffany’s, they came up with an idea to create and hide in a giant horse and act as if they had surrendered and left that as a gift. After a long wait the horse started to move, and they all knew that their plan had worked.

They waited inside the horse until the wee hours of the morning when all of Cobra would be asleep with not even a stir, not a peep of a mouse after the midnight double feature of Nicholas Sparks' The Notebook and Annie Proulx’s Brokeback Mountain. They waited and waited for what seemed like forever but finally the time had arrived. They slowly and quietly began to descend from the giant wooden horse and so the surprise attack began. It was an epic and glorious battle, as if a mix between the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan, Braveheart, and the light saber duel between Anakin and Obi-Wan in Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith. Fighting was tough, the first of the Wolverines to go down was Arnold Schwarzenegger because of an extreme leg cramp.

The fight continued for seven weeks straight and not everyone made it. Rick Astley fought hard and never let them down nor gave them up, but sadly it wasn’t enough. Don’t worry though the only thing that died was Molly Ringwald’s career. Suddenly the only ones left were Emilio Estevez and Jar Jar Binks. The two proceeded to enter Cobra Commander’s evil layer. It was dark and musky with an awful smell. Emilio turned to Jar Jar, “Do you smell it?” he asked. “That smell. A kind of smelly smell. The smelly smell that smells… smelly.” Before Jar Jar could answer there was a loud bang. Boom! Whammy! Chiddy Bang! Cha-Ching! Ka-Pow! Charlie Sheen dropped down from a trap door above. Emilio knew it was time, right then and there, to prove that he was the better brot”

“Hey! Hurry up!” the leader said interrupting Joel. “I don’t have all day, plus you don’t have enough pop culture references!” Joel shook his head at the mans odd infatuation with these references and overall pickiness but continued with his story.

“...and so the fight began and yada, yada, yada, boom, bang, ka-pow, jingle bells batman smells and so on, basically Emilio won.

Then it was time, Estevez vs. Cobra Commander, Mayweather vs. Pacquiao, 50 Cent vs. Kanye, Tupac vs. Biggie, Werewolf vs. Vampire, Blair Witch Project vs. Paranormal Activity, Ted Nugent vs. sane people, Westboro Baptists vs. the U.S., Cartman vs. Kyle, 80’s Heavy Metal vs. Parents Music Resource Center, Duke vs. UNC, Auburn vs. ‘Bama’, Laguna Beach vs. The Hills, East Coast vs. West Coast, McCoy vs. Bradford. The time was now, the war to end all wars and so the world’s greatest slap fight began. After all the smoke had cleared only one person left the rubble, and there he was… Jar Jar Binks, the only one left. He was declared the Deadliest Warrior.”

Joel looked up and to his surprise The Gluhwurmchen looked like they had loved his story. “Scheisse! If you didn’t enjoy that story then you must hate puppies!” one of the men said. Joel looked at the leader and to his dismay he did not look impressed. What had he done wrong Joel frantically wondered. He meet all of his weird requirements. Joel stared helplessly at the man as if silently trying to plead with him. After a few awkward minutes he finally looked at Joel and said. “It was good enough, you shall pass. Now get out of here before I change my mind.” Relieved Joel quickly got up and continued on his way.