Twilight Parody | Teen Ink

Twilight Parody

August 11, 2011
By DannieCalifornia SILVER, Elgin, Illinois
DannieCalifornia SILVER, Elgin, Illinois
7 articles 0 photos 0 comments

Favorite Quote:
The foundation of empire is art and science. Remove them or degrade them, and the empire is no more. Empire follows art and not vice versa as Englishmen suppose. - William Blake

Chapter 1-Alice Cullen

I carefully examined my perky round butts reflection that were resting in the ultra skinny jeans my sister Rosalie had let me borrow. We were currently having a bet on who's butt looked better, and I knew from by the way the jeans hugged my hips like a teddy bear, that I'd win.
"INCOMING!" My wonderful, energetic husband Jasper hollered as he swung like a monkey on a vine into my bedroom.
I quickly turned around so he wouldn't catch me looking at myself--again.
Jasper wasn't even paying attention, he was too busy checking out his own blonde hair that was puffed up like a little baby lambs wool.
"Why are you in here?" I asked sliding a grey and black long sleeved tee over my white tank top.
"Tryin' to do my hair like Edward's," he answered as he ran a comb through his tangled hair. "That's what the ladies seem to love is his hair."
Ugh. Edward was one of my other brothers, and according to the 'ladies', he was the best looking. I guess he had nice potential; copper hair that looked like two shiny pennies, tall, white, muscular...but then again, who didn't want that?
"Edward's gone!" I heard Emmett, the jock of the family, yell from downstairs.
Great. That meant we had to take Rosalie's red convertible. It's not that I didn't like it, it's just that she had so many rules for riding in her car, it was impossible to do anything but just sit frozen like a slab of stone until you reached your destination.
"Well," Jasper said hooking his arm into mine. "The wicked witch awaits us."
I giggled and nodded. This would be a fun trip.
On our way to Forks High School (a.k.a. a living nightmare) no one spoke. Rosalie kept her golden yellow eyes on the road ahead of us, and it felt like we'd been trapped in here forever.
"Wonder why Edward left so early," Jasper said finally breaking the silence.
"Maybe he went to get breakfast." Emmett chuckled.
"You know we don't eat that disgusting human food, remember?" Jasper reminded him.
"Course I remember."
"Then why did you say that?"
"Because it was so obvious he wasn't, it was funny."
"Really? Because I'm not laughing."
"You never laugh anyway, so whats the big deal?"
"The big deal is-"
"QUIET!" Rosalie screamed.
Jasper and Emmett both slumped down in their seats.
"Thank you," Rosalie then said in a sweet angelic voice.
It was silent for another few moments, then Jasper began to speak again. "Maybe he's with that girl he's been with all week." he said in a whisper to avoid Rosalie's raging voice of terror.
"Yeah," Emmett agreed. "What was her name, again? Was it Ella?"
"No," Jasper said. "I'm pretty sure it was something like Carmella."
"It was Ella." Emmett rolled his eyes.
"Carmella." Jasper rolled his back.
"ELLA." Emmett sat up.
"CARMELLA." Jasper remained still.
This time, Rosalie slammed on the brakes and we all lunged forward.
"Oww!" Emmett moaned. "My head hit the back of your seat, Rose!"
"Greatt!" Jasper said angrilly. "I bit my tongue, you crazy witch!"
I buried my head in my hands to avoid Rosalie's eyes that probably burned like flames.
"I told you to stop arguing!" Rosalie barked. "And what did you do? YOU ARGUED!"
"Babe, come on-" Emmett tried to ease her up.
"SHUT UP!" she roared.
Emmett sat back.
Jasper giggled.
"You too, sheep!"
Emmett put his hand over his mouth so his wife wouldn't catch him laughing.
"You know what, Rose?" I said lifting my head up.
Rosalie whipped her head around and stared at me. "What?"
"Why don't I drive?"

Chapter 2- Edward Cullen

I know all my siblings know exactly where I am, and who I’m with. Right now, I’m driving Bella to school. It’s not as bad since I’ve got her now.
Edwardd! Couldn’t you drive, I don’t know…A little bit slower?” She complained.
I rolled my eyes, and slowed down. Just a little bit. Once we were at Forks High, I slammed on the brakes. Bella flung forward, and scowled at me. I grinned. For some reason, her little complaints and whines make me smile. I just can’t help it.
I saw Rosalie’s convertible pull into the parking lot. Emmett came out laughing.
“You said I couldn’t laugh about it in your car,” He said still laughing. “Nothing about the parking lot.”
Jasper rolled his eyes.
“Again Emmett, not funny.” Finally, Jasper and Emmett raced over to me.
“Hey Edward, Hey ELLA.” Emmett said looking at Jasper out of the corner of his eye.
Edwardd, Carmella.”
Bella glared at me. “You’re with two other women?!” She said outraged.
“No, BELLA. Please forgive my ignorant, idiotic, brothers!” I elbowed both of them.
“Huh? Who’s Bella?” Emmett and Jasper asked at the same time. Bella came forward and stood next to me.
“I am the one and only Bella, thank you very much.” She said over her shoulder as she did a little strut towards the door.
Emmett and Jasper looked at me with confusion. “So…It’s Bella, not Ella or Carmella?” Emmett asked with a sigh. I nodded. Those retards. I think Alice can tell the full story. When she came to me, she said. Edwardd! This is all your fault!” I gave her the ‘Who? Me?’ look and she glared.
“What did I do?” I asked with suspicion.

“You left, so, we had to ride with the Rose witch.” I knew that when she said the rose witch, it meant Rosalie.

“And, what’s so bad about that? Emmett could keep her in good shape.” I replied shrugging.

“Not this time! Jasper and Emmett were arguing, Rosalie was slamming the brakes. I CAN’T TAKE IT! Next time, you’re staying here for the mornings!”
This time, I was the one groaning. Who wanted to drive a group of constantly feuding siblings to school when you wanted to be with your one and only true love? That’s right. No one. Not even those losers who don’t have any relationship.(LOSERS!)

So, we had to go today because the sky actually cleared up. Bella was excited, but, we made her stay. Instead, Emmett, Alice and I had fun tackling a grizzly. It took about, twenty minuets. Alice felt bad because we killed the mother bear,-it had a cub nearby.-So once she was back home, we killed the cub too. WE ARE EVIL! But then, something horrible happened.
BLACK ATTACK! Jacob showed up, and he was SO uncool.
“Bring it on Cullen Leech!”
And I’m all acting scared.
“I smell…” Emmett said pretending to sniff the air. ”Mutt.”
“You’re just EXTRA big leeches!” Jacob growled.
Alice zipped over there. When I say zipped, I mean zipped. You could hear a zipper sound. She snapped her hands in a Z formation from her shoulder blade to her hip, and said shaking her head all city-black-retro-rap person like, “Oh NO you didn’t!” She said with a glare. Jacob glared right back and said.
“Oh YES I did!” I saw Emmett getting all angry. God. I wish Jasper were here. He’d stop Emmett from trying to punch someone in the face. Then, the Yo-Mamma fight vampire VS. werewolf style began.
“Oh yeah? Black? Well, yo mamma’s so fat…That when she went on the scale, it said one at a time please!” That, obviously, was good ol’ Emmett’s words. He can be awfully hilarious at times,-by at times, I mean most of the time.- Jacob looked at us with disgust.
“Well, your mamma’s so stupid, that when your Dad said it’s chilly outside, she grabbed a fork and a bowl.”
“Esme isn’t stupid!” Alice snapped glaring at doggie-boy. After that, Alice and Jacob got into a cat fight. We won. How? We through mutt over a cliff. Then, at the bottom, when he was near death, I bit him. Now we’ve got a new Cullen to add to the family. Hope Carlisle’s okay with it.

Chapter 3- Bella.

Gosh darn. Charlie’s making ME do the dishes. Today, I didn’t even get to TALK to Edward. He had to go, I mean, what’s so bad about sparkling in the sun? I wonder if he noticed the body glitter I put on to look like him in the sun….Oh well.
So, back to the dishes. Today, even though I cooked, and yesterday I did the dishes, Charlie STILL insists I do them. I mean, he won’t let me hang out with the smoking-hottie vampire I got as a boyfriend! Jeez. This stinks. No Edward.

FINALLY after three hours of doing the dishes, I left. Taking the quick path to the Cullen’s house. I rang the doorbell. YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHO ANSWERED. Jacob. Right there. “JACOB! What did I tell you about sneaking into the Cullen’s house?”
“This is my house, I’m Jacob Black Cullen.” He replied. I stared at him like he’d just grown another head.
“Where’s Edward?!”
“You mean my brother Edward?” I nodded. “He’s upstairs.”
“EDWARD!” I called. Edward came downstairs, I glared at him. “You better explain that!” I pointed to Jacob.
“Ha…Um… Well, Emmett, Alice and I are thinking of what to tell Carlisle first...” I rose an eyebrow.
Edward told me what happened and I yelled at him for a while. Then sighed. Especially when I found out Alice was involved. This wasn’t at all like her.


“Okay. So, the story is….” I said my voice drifting.
“We threw a bone over the side of a cliff,” Emmett said simply.
“Then, ‘cause of his dog instincts, he pathetically jumped off the cliff. Trying to retrieve the bone.” Alice continued.
“And last….” Edward said with a grin. “He caught the bone, but, he went SPLAT on the ground. So, I bit him.”
At last, all together they said.
“And that is why he is now Jacob Black….” They gulped. “Cullen.” There’s our story. We told Carlisle. He was…Well....Lemme just show you:
“I LEAVE YOU FOR A WEEK AND YOU MAKE A VAMPIRE?!?!” Carlisle said angrily.
“A WEEK?!” I repeated to see if it was true.
Edward nodded.
“We-“ Alice tried to say, but Carlisle cut her off.
“Go to your rooms. And yes, whether you like it or not…” He paused. “Your sleeping!”
Well, I thought vampire parents would be more intense. Apparently, they were. I heard them groan. Then, Rosalie skipped downstairs in that perfect way blond people do.
“Rose,” Alice said sternly. “Did you have something to do with this?” Rosalie grinned.
“You sure?” Emmett asked.
“OH, JUST TELL US ALREADY!” Edward shouted as Jasper came downstairs casually.
“What’s up, guys?” He said grinning like Rosalie.
“We’re grounded,” Alice said with a sigh.
“Oh, I’m sooo sorry, babe.” Jasper replied with an almost shocked expression.
“What in the world did you three do?” Rosalie asked with FAKE curiousity.
“We pulled a Carlisle.” Edward said with a shrug.
“On who?”
“We threw him over a cliff….” Edward sighed.
“You three are such retards, did I ever tell you that?”
Edward rolled his golden eyes. “Of course you have, Rose. Coming from someone like you, you’d think they’re calling you twins.”
Rosalie glared icily while Alice covered up a giggle as Emmett snickered….
Thank you, Edward.

The author's comments:
I wrote this when I was in 4th grade, and I never went to fix the grammar.xD So, pardon that, but I still think it's a pretty funny read.

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