The World According To Loony Tunes | Teen Ink

The World According To Loony Tunes

August 2, 2010
By Imaginedangerous PLATINUM, Riverton, Utah
Imaginedangerous PLATINUM, Riverton, Utah
31 articles 0 photos 402 comments

A sampling of a few college courses in the Loony Tunes universe:

Acme is the only manufacturing company in the world.
The law of supply and demand: if someone demands an Acme product, it will be instantaneously supplied.
And… that’s pretty much it.

A villain never gives up. This would appear to be the product of short-term memory problems, or else they would learn from their mistakes.
The mind’s computing skills run on a time delay system of at least 2 seconds. This results in frequent double-takes.
Abruptly switching sides in an argument will always result in a villain’s destruction. (Person A: “Duck season!” Person B: “Rabbit season!” A: “Duck season!” B: “Rabbit season!” A: “Rabbit season!” B: “Duck season!”)

Snappy comebacks are natural and common.
Everything is taken literally. There are no idioms.
Only a basic reading level is necessary for survival- important words to know include TNT, DANGER- KEEP OUT, and FREE CARROTS.
If you don’t know how to read, you aren’t reading this, and that’s probably why you keep getting blown up/flattened/smashed/exploded.

Blinking is noisy.
Immortality is universal. Luck is not.
You assume the shape of everything you swallow.

Any dynamite, gunpowder, grenade, TNT, gasoline, nitroglycerin, or other combustible material will always eventually explode, ignite, or spontaneously combust. There are no duds.
If you find yourself in an enclosed, dark space, you are in (A) a tunnel with a train approaching, (B) a cannon. Exception: if you light a match to see, you are in a dynamite storage room.
Homemade catapults are very unreliable.
Everything will backfire if you’re the bad guy.

For every action, there is a greater and opposite reaction. Therefore, a cannonball will move three feet and the cannon ends up in Beijing.
Any piece of something will automatically act as a whole: a disconnected section of railway track will carry a train, a painting of a road will produce a car, or a Burmese tiger trap will come with a Burmese tiger.
The heaviest matter in the universe is that belonging to an anvil.
The equation for speed is BG2F= T, where BG represents the bad guy, 2F represents an excessive rate of movement, and T represents toast.
Exception to gravity: Occasionally, a piece of a whole that is intended to fall (such as a sawn-off tree branch, a cliff ledge you break off, or a wooden circle you saw out) will hang in midair while the surrounding items (the tree, the cliff, the stage) will drop away. This only applies, however, when the hero is standing on the small section.
All rules and/or laws are subject to change without notice.
Gravity does not apply until after you realize you are subject to it.

The author's comments:
What you learn from watching Roadrunner cartoons with your younger siblings. They just don't make 'em like they used to...

Similar Articles


This article has 26 comments.

. said...
on Feb. 23 2014 at 4:34 pm
This is good stuff!

on Mar. 12 2013 at 9:39 am
IndigoElisabeth SILVER, Woodbury, New Jersey
5 articles 1 photo 171 comments

Favorite Quote:
John 1:1

Hey you forgot this one: It takes two seconds to heal from any injury. Favorited it!

on Sep. 30 2012 at 9:47 am
Stella_Val_Illicia GOLD, Salt Lake City, Utah
13 articles 0 photos 247 comments

Favorite Quote:
"In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people angry and been widely regarded as a bad idea."
--Douglas Adams

Love this! I always find the Roadrunner cartoons on the computer, but I like watching the old ones. The new ones just aren't funny anymore. This made me laugh so hard :)

Mtrench7809 said...
on Jul. 8 2012 at 1:12 am
Mtrench7809, Hensall, Other
0 articles 0 photos 19 comments
I wish the world worked like this just for a day so we could tell the villians apart from the heros and laugh about how we would never die.

on Mar. 26 2012 at 6:05 pm
Poison-ivy SILVER, Park City, Utah
5 articles 5 photos 25 comments

Favorite Quote:
Music can change the world, because it can change people.

Sooo TRUE!

on Mar. 22 2012 at 10:37 am
ScarlettRose390 PLATINUM, Hawthorne, New Jersey
21 articles 0 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Nothing is impossible, only unbelievable."
"Gotta keep doing it if I want to get better. Gotta stop doing it if I want to ger worse. Gotta do it sometimes if I want to stay the same."

This makes perfect sense. If a Looney Tunes college course ever comes to exist (which wouldn't surprise me, since there's a Zombie Apocalypse survival course) this would be the basics. Very funny. 

GeeGi BRONZE said...
on Mar. 14 2012 at 7:13 pm
GeeGi BRONZE, Park City, Utah
3 articles 0 photos 51 comments

Favorite Quote:
“Being crazy isn't enough.”
― Dr. Seuss

“Why fit in when you were born to stand out?”
― Dr. Seuss

Ha ha!!! This is awesome, and totally true :) Love your sense of humor!  Hey, could someone comment on my peice? It's called The Story of the Demons. If you do, I really appreciate it.

on Feb. 4 2012 at 7:38 pm
readaholic PLATINUM, Tomahawk, Wisconsin
27 articles 0 photos 425 comments

Favorite Quote:
I'd rather fail because I fell on my own face than fall because someone tripped me up
~Jhonen Vasquez

LOL I love it!

on Jan. 22 2012 at 7:01 pm
__horizon133 PLATINUM, Portage, Michigan
26 articles 0 photos 231 comments

Favorite Quote:
"laugh, and the world laughs with you. laugh hysterically, and for no apparent reason, and they will leave you alone." anonymous

i now consider myself a shameless fan. neep neep.

on Dec. 9 2011 at 10:02 pm
RedheadAtHeart ELITE, Mountain Home, Idaho
109 articles 0 photos 164 comments

Favorite Quote:
Love with open hands. - Madeleine L'Engle

Genius. Enough said. *favorites*

on Dec. 3 2011 at 7:19 pm
Prometheus PLATINUM, East Aurora, New York
29 articles 0 photos 106 comments
Very witty.  Well done!

on Nov. 28 2011 at 4:43 pm
abedengo-called-benny BRONZE, Valley View, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 24 comments

Favorite Quote:
Someday you'll be old enough to read fairytales again.

-C.S. Lewis

Funny... and sadly- very true. Love your writing!


on Jul. 27 2011 at 6:15 pm
yousaypotato... SILVER, Peacedale, Rhode Island
9 articles 1 photo 42 comments

Favorite Quote:
"A good friend will bail you out of jail. But a best friend will be sitting right there with you saying 'Dang, we really screwed up this time.'"


EMis1123 GOLD said...
on Jun. 24 2011 at 4:47 pm
EMis1123 GOLD, Hilliard, Ohio
16 articles 0 photos 13 comments

Favorite Quote:
"You might as well ask an artist to explain his art, or ask a poet to explain his poem. It defeats the purpose. The meaning is only clear through the search."
~Rick Riordan

"What you do, the way you think, makes you beautiful."
~Scott Westerfeld

This is amazing! And all so, so true! I love it!

on May. 1 2011 at 5:16 pm
Destinee BRONZE, Oakville, Other
3 articles 0 photos 303 comments

Favorite Quote:
Blegh. - Abraham Lincoln

LOL this is hilarious.


on Mar. 20 2011 at 6:05 pm
Hawthorn BRONZE, Nowheresville, Maine
3 articles 0 photos 55 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Know Thy Enemy" Sun Tzu

Ahahahahahahahahahah!!! I love it!

on Feb. 20 2011 at 10:27 pm
Hahahahahaha!! Total awesomeness!! I loved Looney Tunes when I was a kid. :D

on Dec. 8 2010 at 1:32 pm
MysteryHeart GOLD, Thorold, Other
14 articles 0 photos 60 comments

Favorite Quote:
Usted es especial! AKWARD!!! (in an opera like voice), ohhh fasha', what the huh?,who in the name of what?, sanity now!

I love it you should have been voted #1 not #4

on Dec. 6 2010 at 11:42 pm
Healing_Angel SILVER, Sydney, Other
8 articles 2 photos 509 comments

Favorite Quote:
Live for today, not for tomorrow

hahaha! Brilliant! So clever and funny! Love it!

on Sep. 28 2010 at 1:46 pm
CaraBlane BRONZE, So. Whitley, Indiana
4 articles 0 photos 19 comments

Favorite Quote:
" Well... I guess even bad people have good endings."

I would have always liked to live in Looney Tune land, but now that I see all of this, I am pretty sure that being one wouldn't be all it is cracked up to be.