Dick and Jane: The Untold Story | Teen Ink

Dick and Jane: The Untold Story

July 11, 2010
By Valiant GOLD, Richardson, Texas
Valiant GOLD, Richardson, Texas
13 articles 0 photos 27 comments

Favorite Quote:
"You look like a bloated, cross-eyed squid with a beard.... well, at least you hair looks right."
Me to my friend Heidi

See Dick.

Dick was a plumber’s son with five brothers and sisters; an older brother and sister and two younger sisters and one little brother. Their mother had died giving birth to the youngest one and their father struggled to be both mother and father to his children.

See Jane.

Jane was the only child to a busy pediatrician who could only spend a few hours at a time with her and her mother. Jane never really knew her father and her mother was a harmless alcoholic who never paid her much attention.

Dick and Jane were childhood friends. They played together outside and shared lunches at school. They were best friends up until high school when things started to change. Dick was a bit nerdy but Jane on the other hand, was an air-headed cheerleader who was used to being the center of attention.

Dick likes Jane.

Dick started having some special feelings for Jane but he was really shy about it. It took him weeks to build up the courage to tell Jane.

One day after school, Dick walked up to Jane and said, ”Jane I like you - “ and he suddenly wet himself in front of the whole student body and Jane. Dick was so embarrassed but he couldn’t move because he was in shock. Everyone was laughing and pointing at him. Jane was extremely embarrassed for Dick but she didn’t want anyone to think less of her so she started laughing at him as well.

See Dick run.

Dick was humiliated and furious at Jane. They were friends and she laughs at him?

Dick dropped out of school and became a hooligan. He spent the next few years in and out of jobs around town and got involved with the wrong crowd. He received a police record for frequent public urination. Dick figured that if people were going to make fun of him for peeing, he might as well give them what they wanted.

One night, after spending some time at a nearby 7-eleven, filling up for his peeing spree, Dick found himself at Jane’s house and decided it was just as good as any other place to pee. But just as he was about to let lose, Dick had an epiphany. Did he really want to spend the rest of his life in and out of jail for relieving himself for all to see? Surely there was more to life.

Dick cleaned up his act and went to college. He got a degree in Law and became the new hotshot lawyer. He started working out and got himself a new wardrobe. Pretty soon, there was a new Dick roaming around town and raking in the cash.

See Jane.

Dick found himself at a 7-eleven again and decided for old-times sake to get a drink. As he reached the slushy counter, Dick bumped into Jane. Jane had gotten even more beautiful than the last time he saw her. She was also as conceited and air-headed as ever.

Jane likes Dick.

Jane was extremely surprised to see Dick again, especially since he was looking like a stud. She fell all over herself flirting with him. And made herself look like an idiot.

“Dick? Is that really you? What a surprise! So nice to see you again! How’s it being goin’ with you? Are you single? I am!” she giggled and cooed over him.

Dick regarded her icily. He was still upset with her for betraying him back in high school.

“Don’t try that with me; I want nothing to do with you anymore. We were friends and you kicked me to the curb for your stupid popularity. I don’t like you and I never want to see you again.”

Dick left the store in a huff and resolved to hate Jane forever.

Dick likes Jane.

Of course, his resolve didn’t stand and Dick found himself in a relationship with Jane. They were to hottest couple in town, VIP to all the major parties and seriously raking in the cash with Dick’s big law firm and Jane’s modeling career. Jane got all the attention she craved and hung onto Dick as her arm-candy.

Dick and Jane get married.

After a while, all of Jane’s friends were getting married and were talking about the various joys of married life. Jane wasn’t the center of attention anymore and she didn’t like that.

“Time’s a-tickin’,” she told Dick. “Where’s the ring and wedding bells?”

“You want to get married?” asked Dick tiredly. He knew it was only because everyone else was getting married that Jane wanted it.

“Yes and you just asked so go buy that ring and I’ll start planning the wedding,” she squealed and pushed Dick out the door.

Jane spent the next months planning out their wedding with her clones- Ahem! - friends.

“And my dress is going to be pink. No! Pinkish! No! Pink, yeah, pink.”

The wedding was more like a beauty pageant than anything else. All of Jane’s family and friends were dressed like runway models in the middle of a show instead of people attending a wedding. Dick’s family on the other hand were dressed very modestly and conservatively. Both sides of the family were repelled by the other and stayed far away as possible from each other.

When Jane walked down the isle to the alter, Dick noticed that instead of an organ player, they had a DJ blasting the latest pop love song. He was enraged but decided to save the argument for later.

Dick and Jane try for a baby.

A few years into the marriage and Jane felt like they were missing something. It wasn’t the fabulous parties and engagements because they were still going to plenty of those. Nor was it money because Dick was in even higher demand than before and they lived in a mansion on the beach. It must’ve been the attention taken off of her and onto baby talk that her friends were so currently involved in.

“Dick,” she said. “I want a baby. Let’s try for a baby.”

“A baby?” Dick asked, groaning on the inside. “Alright. If you want.”

So they tried but Jane didn’t get pregnant. They tried again and still nothing. They kept trying but Jane just wouldn’t get pregnant. Jane was getting fed up and true to her nature, she blamed Dick.

“This is your fault! There’s something wrong with your body!”

“My fault?” Dick fumed. But all the same he went to get checked out by a doctor. They ran some test and declared that Dick was perfectly fine to have children.

“It must be you,” Dick snapped at Jane. “Ever considered that maybe there’s something wrong with your body?”

Jane also went to be checked out by doctors but every single one of them declared that she was perfectly fit to have babies.

“Maybe it’s not just you or just me,” Jane snarled. “Maybe it’s us. Maybe it’s our love.”

“Or lack of it,” Dick grumbled.

“Oh, I’ve had enough of this! I can’t deal with this anymore. We’re over. I’m filling for a divorce right now!” Jane stomped to the door and slammed it shut on her way out with every intention of never returning ever again.

Dick and Jane get a dog named Spot.

Jane came home later on that night.

“Let’s not fight anymore,” she sighed. “I don’t even really want a baby.”

“Me neither,” Dick agreed whole-heartedly. “How about we get a dog instead?”

“Yeah, that sounds great! And we can get her a pink - No, pinkish. No, pink - collar as well!” Jane cheered.

Dick and Jane bought a white miniature poodle that they named Spot. Spot went everywhere with Jane and was the darling of any company she was in. While Jane’s friends couldn’t go to parties anymore because they had to take care of their children, Jane went to several a week and Spot was adored by everyone. Jane was back at center of attention.

One night, after taking Spot out for a walk, Dick mistakenly left Spot’s cage door unlocked. Spot got out and laid waste to the living room and the furniture. When Jane woke up the next morning, all of the sofas and chairs were torn and ruined.

She screamed as loudly as possible, “DICK! Get out here right now!”

Dick rushed out the living room and gaped at the disaster Spot wrought.

Jane shrieked at him, “this is all your fault! Look, she’s peeing on the carpet right now! Like father like daughter!”

Dick fell into a dark mood as a whirlpool of bad memories from his adolescence swirled around inside his head. He became enraged at Jane for bringing up such bad memories and they had a screaming and shouting match well into the afternoon.

“I’m done with you!” Dick thundered. “We are getting divorced right now, right this moment!”

“That’s fine with me!” Jane shrieked. “ I never want to see your face again!”

Dick and Jane get remarried

Years of mutual misery passed for Dick and Jane who was both adamant about never speaking to each other again. Any time they might accidentally be at the same formal parties, Jane always knocked back a few drinks and snatched up the nearest man to flirt with, even if he was married. Dick had taken up the dangerous hobby of extreme sky-diving and would boast and crow as loudly as he could if he thought Jane was in hearing distance. Suffice to say their party invitations started dwindling and waning till soon the closest thing to a social event they had was a suggestion on Facebook to join a group.

Then the lonely years of mid-life crises came and Dick fell into a slump. He was still a high-earning lawyer with the top firm in town but late nights of drinking with his co-workers had him building up a beer-belly as big as a pregnant cow and to his limitless dismay, he found himself victim of male-pattern baldness. To regain what little dignity he had left, Dick bought a expensive toupee.

After a few hours of hitting the bar, Dick would return to his empty condo and surf through different online-dating websites, hoping to find a girlfriend. But his dates never turned out to be reliable. One of his favorites who claimed to be a thirty-one year-old busty red-head turned out to be a elderly woman who lived in the nursing home in New Hampshire. There was also one who was really a twelve year-old. And another turned out to be a man.

“Sorry, I’m not interested,” he emailed every one of them. Dick felt as if he was doomed to die alone.

Jane wasn’t doing so well herself. Her youthful good looks began fading a few years after she had been married to Dick and now she could hardly be considered a natural beauty anymore. When her male companions started drifting off, Jane decided it was time for some Botox freshen herself up. But her dates were still scanty so she went in a face-lift and lip-suction (she had been gaining a little weight). But afterwards, she still wasn’t satisfied with her lack of male attention and thought, “What the hey, might as well just bite the bullet and get it over with”, and got the most expensive plastic surgery available in the country. But still no young, up-and-coming man wanted her and Jane fell into clinical depression.

One night at the drug store, Dick and Jane met up again purely by chance. Dick was purchasing hair-growing tonic and Jane came in to get her anti-depressant from the pharmacy when they bumped into each other in the ointment aisle. Dick was thinking that Jane was looking pretty good compared to his faulty online lovers. Jane was wondering if Dick was still filthy rich enough to buy her whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted.

Dick looked at Jane.

Jane looked at Dick.

A few days later, after a private and formal signing of wedding papers, Dick and Jane were married again. A new mansion was built with a wing for Jane and a separate wing for Dick since they still couldn’t stand each other. They still got on each others nerves really easily and were always complaining about the others faults but remained together for the purpose of tax benefits.


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