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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants. <br /> <br /> Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: &quot;If you give a man a fire, he&#039;ll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he&#039;ll be warm for the rest of his life.&quot; -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1986 comments.

Ebony_Rose PLATINUM said...
on Feb. 18 2010 at 1:22 pm
Ebony_Rose PLATINUM, Hot Springs, Arkansas
21 articles 0 photos 54 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;The simplest way that i can understand therapy is that we&#039;re born a certain<br /> way, we&#039;re taught to be something different, and we spend our whole lives<br /> trying to unravel it and ultimately align ourselves with who we really are.&quot; ~Billy Corgan

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Some friends and I are going to preform it for our little theater show here.... We will make sure to mention how hillarious it was when we read through it and how amazing the author is... :)
Pagerda SILVER said...
on Feb. 17 2010 at 12:37 pm
Pagerda SILVER, Senatobia, Mississippi
8 articles 2 photos 4 comments
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At this, I shiggled.

Totally a laughable little "script". Never read the books or seen the movies, but this works for me, haha.
twiwrite GOLD said...
on Feb. 16 2010 at 2:49 pm
twiwrite GOLD, Modesto, California
14 articles 0 photos 111 comments

Favorite Quote:
none :P

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lol hahaha i love twilight but you seriously have a point here! great job!
jacoblover said...
on Feb. 16 2010 at 10:44 am
wow...that was FUNNY im still cracking up..i wouldnt say u could challenge stephanie meyer tho...lol good job on making fun of one of the most enjoyed series of 2009...but it was funny...lol
LaylaViolet said...
on Feb. 12 2010 at 4:21 pm
This has blown up big time. Why is it not in the magazine? Oh, I printed this out (is that okay?) and showed it to my friends: they loved it too.
Sally Sunshine said...
on Feb. 11 2010 at 8:56 pm
The screen play was...o.k. It was a little bit...rushed but it was good. I was amused so it is a 3.5 out of 5.
AliceGoesBam08 said...
on Feb. 11 2010 at 5:34 pm
AliceGoesBam08, Columbia Heights, Minnesota
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world.&quot; Buddhist Quote

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This is too funny, you've pretty much summed up the entire series in a matter of a few hundred words. Props to you.
DallysGrrl PLATINUM said...
on Feb. 10 2010 at 7:43 pm
DallysGrrl PLATINUM, Middlesex, New Jersey
20 articles 0 photos 199 comments
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I luv twilight n yet this is HILARIOUS!!!! OMG i luv it!!!!
wixchick BRONZE said...
on Feb. 10 2010 at 4:45 pm
wixchick BRONZE, Marion, Indiana
2 articles 0 photos 11 comments
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i see this as the twilight version of potter puppet pals
billydee22ny said...
on Feb. 10 2010 at 8:26 am
billydee22ny, Middletown, Maryland
0 articles 6 photos 21 comments
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HILARIOUS!!!
turn_it_up(: SILVER said...
on Feb. 9 2010 at 8:35 pm
turn_it_up(: SILVER, Overland Park, Kansas
8 articles 0 photos 13 comments
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haha this is great. you're my hero. (:
Nick-M SILVER said...
on Feb. 9 2010 at 5:38 pm
Nick-M SILVER, Oak Park, Illinois
9 articles 0 photos 49 comments

Favorite Quote:
-FLTDO-

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lmfao

/10char
Thrush BRONZE said...
on Feb. 7 2010 at 10:15 am
Thrush BRONZE, Tegaad, Other
4 articles 0 photos 65 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Live life to it&#039;s fullest extent, it&#039;s the only life you&#039;ve got&quot; &quot;Enjoy yourself, be yourself, love yourself&quot;

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Luic (that means laugh until I cry) use it. Love your "script"
Ebony_Rose PLATINUM said...
on Feb. 5 2010 at 8:26 am
Ebony_Rose PLATINUM, Hot Springs, Arkansas
21 articles 0 photos 54 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;The simplest way that i can understand therapy is that we&#039;re born a certain<br /> way, we&#039;re taught to be something different, and we spend our whole lives<br /> trying to unravel it and ultimately align ourselves with who we really are.&quot; ~Billy Corgan

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I love it... My friend Cassie and I couldn't quit laughing...
Maddiewrites13 GOLD said...
on Feb. 4 2010 at 3:31 pm
Maddiewrites13 GOLD, Wolfeboro, New Hampshire
12 articles 0 photos 6 comments
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Haha, this is great, Very Funny.
Kayira1991 GOLD said...
on Feb. 4 2010 at 1:34 am
Kayira1991 GOLD, Dhaka, Other
15 articles 181 photos 102 comments

Favorite Quote:
I have miles to go before I sleep<br /> If there is a will, there is a way<br /> Nothing is impossible

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This is funny................you are a funny writer..........you should make more parodies..............anyways, Twilight saga ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dreamer@heart said...
on Feb. 2 2010 at 9:53 pm
dreamer@heart, Odenton, Maryland
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
&ldquo;Sometimes you wake up. Sometimes the fall kills you. And sometimes, when you fall, you fly.&rdquo;~Neil Gaiman

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I nearly died laughing.

This is awesome, you should do parodies of other books!
RougeOlympian PLATINUM said...
on Feb. 2 2010 at 7:32 pm
RougeOlympian PLATINUM, Northbrook, Illinois
20 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
As we must account for every idle word, so must we account for every idle silence. <br /> -Benjamin Franklin

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I have to admit this is freakin hillarious!!!(:
YouthfulLight SILVER said...
on Feb. 1 2010 at 7:00 pm
YouthfulLight SILVER, Forest Park, Illinois
5 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
Whoever says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain

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lol this is awesome!! I love how it's written in play form.
sleeplessdreamer PLATINUM said...
on Feb. 1 2010 at 5:28 pm
sleeplessdreamer PLATINUM, Raleigh, North Carolina
30 articles 0 photos 332 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;I have always wanted to write in such a way that people say, &#039;I have always thought that but never found the words for it.&#039;&quot; -anonymous

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Sadly enough, I am closet obsessed with edward... except i just came out of the closet by saying that....

Anyway I loved it. Everything you said was so true. Great piece of writing: no. But was Twilight a great piece of writing? Nope. Check out my work and post comments.