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Harry lily & James potter finally meet
Chapter 1
“James, do you think that Serious Black is watching Harry for us?”
“I don’t know maybe Lily, I mean it has been 21 years since we last saw him.”
Meanwhile at Harry & Ginny’s house
“Morning, Ginny.”
“Morning, Harry.”
“Where’s the kids we’re going to be late.”
“Upstairs, still getting ready.”
“James, Lily, Albus, come on we’re going to be late if we don’t leave soon.”
“Coming.”
The Potters left for platform nine and three quarters. They met Ron, Hermoine, and Rose when they arrived. The kids took off to go have some fun before the train leaves. Harry’s scar starts to burn but he ignores it. Suddenly He-Who-Can’t-Be-Named appeared to finish off Harry for good.
“Harry get the kids, we’ll keep him distracted.”
Harry went to get the kids, when he did they begged him not to go. He tried to tell them that their parents were in danger and he needed to help them. They wouldn’t let him leave, so finally they watched as Harry fought to protect them. After the fight was over Lily went over to tell them that someone was here to talk to them. They all went to see who it was.
“Who are you, what do you want?”
“Don’t tell me that you forgot about me already.”
“Professor is that you?”
“Yes Ronald it is.”
“Dumbledore oh it is so good to see you.”
The kids got onto the train and Serious came into the room that they were in. Their parents and Dumbledore were on their way to Harry’s and Ginny’s house to talk over tea. On the way out of the train they met Hagrid who is the grounds keeper at Hogwarts.
"Hi ya kids, it seems like just yesterday that your parents started school here."
"Hey Lily watch out for Snape and Malfoy."
"Oh I will, I'm not scared of Snape or Malfoy."
"Albus come on don't be a scaredy cat. We don't have all night."
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This article has 57 comments.
Hey, I think that this a superb attempt at fan fiction. However, there were a few issues with this piece. I think the curx of the actual idea was well thoguht out but on the other hand the way you presented it was a tad confusing. Contrary to other comments, I dont believe it is a crime to change the events in the actual book. Also, in my opinion, what made it so difficult to interpret was the dialogue. Maybe a more effective method of presenting your idea would be choose a distinct narrator instead of muddling along with no defined voice. Overall, I think that you have a fantastic idea to play with. Keep at it and your writing will soon begin to flow. You should also consider rereading JK's work to get a real feel for the mood of the books. Fervent HP fans appreciate fan fiction that really does the original books justice. I believe you could gain respect from HP fans; just keep working on it.
River Beaudelaire
Sirius isn't spelled serious.
Albus Dumbledore died long before Harry and Ginny had kids.
Even just wildly assuming Lily and James SOMEHOW were still alive, if they hadn't seen Harry in 21 years, that'd make him 22 at most. Therefore it'd make the year 2002. Albus (Harry's middle son) wasn't even born until 2005. And if Lily was going to Hogwarts as well, then that'd put the date of this story at aprox. 2019 because the end of the last book is 2017 and it's Albus's first year.
You have good sentence structure but your writing is a little choppy and you don't seem to have enough knowledge about the Harry Potter world to write fan fiction.
Just my critiques.
Try harrypotter.wikia.com
Hey. You've got a great idea there, but there are a few error both grammatically and story-wise. A few tips:
1. Explain why and how the already-dead characters came back to life. Perhaps one of Voldemort's underlings brought him back to life somehow.
2. Read the books, please. Again if you already have.
3. Fix the choppy story-line. If writing something out in story form is hard for you, create an outline and EXPLAIN why these things are happening. How did they go from being in the station to being attacked by Voldemort to being on the train?
4. This is a story. Not a script. Write out actions and who said what. I'm confused as to what text goes with whom.
This is a little note for the people below me: this doesn't apply to all of you, but some are being a little harsh. I'm sorry if this comment has offended you in any way, but like DiamondsIntheGrass said, it's all just a little constructive criticism. I hope you found this comment useful, kmoruzzi. Keep working on your skills and you'll get better in no time. Never stop writing because someone told you that you're no good. Practice, practice, practice. :)
