The dear citizens of Duloc, 
 I have come to you today to primarily apologize. I understand that there are over a million words in the English language and that the word “apologize” was something you thought I would never say, but I really do apologize. I apologize for my countless misdeeds and my evil ways, and I plead for your forgiveness.  
 
It would be ridiculous not to address the controversy in this speech that took place over twenty years ago, with my disastrous wedding and my eventual so-called “death” that all took place. I am still upset by what took place that dreadful day and the...well...things that ruined what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. By “the things,” I mean the ogres Shrek and Fiona, their donkey, and the fairy tale characters who tried to eradicate me. In my defense, all my actions were done out of love, for Duloc, myself, and Princess Fiona. 
 
 I loved Fiona since the moments I laid eyes on her in my magic mirror. I thought she was the most gorgeous woman to ever roam the Earth. Needless to say, my team also checked the libraries of Duloc to confirm that fact. Her radiant eyes, luscious hair, and charming demeanor drew me in under her spell. I have struggled with love all my life, but then, I thought, I had truly found it.  
 
If any of you associated me with hatred, then I frankly would not be surprised. My most notable hatred was towards fairy tale characters, banishing them from Duloc. I recognize that the banning of them may have been unethical, but I did it for the safety of Duloc. Pinocchio’s constant lying, the gingerbread man’s issues with stability and avoidance of issues, and Captain Hook’s constant rivalries would not have created a suitable environment for all the citizens of Duloc, including Fiona and I. 
 
But unfortunately, Shrek, Fiona, and all the fairytale characters ruined the vision of love, safety, and unity I had envisioned for Duloc. I honored Shrek and his donkey with a quest to find Fiona and bring her to safety, but they skewed our deal. It is unknown what Shrek did, but he must have used his supernatural ogre powers to alter Fiona from a beautiful princess to an ogress, and the sad part is, Fiona and the fairytale characters played with the idea, betraying me and all of you.  
 
I was then tortured for over twenty years, being stuck inside of a dragon and being miserable and depressed knowing my dear citizens of Duloc were being misrepresented. Now that I am out and ready to fight, I call war on all the things that hurt Duloc beyond measure. We need to go after Shrek, Fiona, and the fairytale characters and get our justly earned revenge. And Shrek, if you are listening, you hurt all of us, immeasurably, and you and your community are about to feel the never-ending wrath of pain, confusion, and death you get when you mess with Duloc. Dear citizens, thank you for your listening and understanding, now, we must be getting busy protecting our beloved community. 
Warmest Regards, 
Lord Farquaad